The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World in Queereaders

Oct 21, 2010 Brandon Will rated it it was amazing

Shelves: self-halp

Downs acknowledges the symptoms and hurts this book describes aren't solely experienced by gayish dudes --but this is a book I wish every GBT dude or anyone who closely interacts with GBT dudes would read.

This book is a masterpiece, culled from a lifetime of trying to figure out how to move past hurts, while helping other gay men do the same.

Some key points:

"We are born into this world helpless, love-starved creatures" who "avoid abandonment at all costs." GBT dudes know they're different from a Downs acknowledges the symptoms and hurts this book describes aren't solely experienced by gayish dudes --but this is a book I wish every GBT dude or anyone who closely interacts with GBT dudes would read.

This book is a masterpiece, culled from a lifetime of trying to figure out how to move past hurts, while helping other gay men do the same.

Some key points:

"We are born into this world helpless, love-starved creatures" who "avoid abandonment at all costs." GBT dudes know they're different from an early age, even though they don't even know what it means. To avoid being singled out, many find a way to make this work: "We couldn't change ourselves, but we could change the way we acted." Those who don't become laughing stocks. As we get older, we're still "driven by those insatiable, infantile drives for love an acceptance."

Gay first relationships are basically doomed even more than straight ones. Having had no role models in a young gay man's life of what a male-male relationship is, and can be, both enter into the relationship with a bulk of unresolved issues. Add to that the burning emotion of first love, and everybody is going to get hurt.

So GBT dudes live their young to middle-ages lives finding ways to hide from and compensate a large amount of shame and feelings of worthlessness, constantly seeking validation in one way or another -- so much so this often melds with their evolving personality. Downs theorizes that this is why so many gay men excel at what they do, and with flair -- overcompensating becomes a way of life as a fallout from living with deep shame, even when a person thinks they've moved way beyond the shame.

There's so much this book teaches, explains, from why gay "cattiness" is so prevalent (covering up hurt, invalidating another to validate the self), to "lessons on being an authentic gay man" like: "Don't let your sexual tastes be the filter for allowing people into your life."

Downs has great things to say, and years of research to illustrate. At points reading it, I not only thought of myself, but every other gay dude I've closely known -- shades of truth in this book apply to all. ...more

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Sep 17, 2007 Andy rated it did not like it

Shelves: personal-development, not-worth-the-time, lgbtq, non-fiction

Not really what I thought it would be...

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Jan 26, 2023 Fr. Andrew rated it really liked it

Shelves: queer, psychology

Lots of good tips in here. It's a starting point for recovery from the toxicity inherent in growing up closeted and queer in a homogeneous culture. Downs is convincing throughout. My only block in applying this to myself is not really a block, but rather a hang-up: the use of the phrase "gay man" is hard for me to stomach. "Manhood" is not an ideal I see worth striving for, and find it so personally repellent that I've come to the realization that I'm agender. I've been on the recovery journey f ...more

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Oct 27, 2017 Tim rated it it was amazing

Powerful, helpful read.

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Apr 28, 2021 Jendi rated it it was ok

Shelves: unfinished

DNF at 50%. Examples drawn from upper-class gay male life are treated as universal. No political analysis, despite the subtitle. Just a generic self-help book that happens to have male couples as their focus. Rather dull.

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