Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and the New Realities of Girl World in 100+ Books in 2025

Sep 05, 2013 Dolly rated it really liked it

Shelves: parenting, 2013, nonfiction, education-school

This is an eye-opening book about raising young women in the digital age. I read Cinderella Ate My Daughter: Dispatches from the Front Lines of the New Girlie-Girl Culture last year and was alerted to the sexualization of our daughters and the way our self-image is driven by the images we see.

Now, I'm learning about the impact of technology on the relationships our girls have with their peers. It's a scary world out there and I can only do my best to arm our girls with the skills and moral valu This is an eye-opening book about raising young women in the digital age. I read Cinderella Ate My Daughter: Dispatches from the Front Lines of the New Girlie-Girl Culture last year and was alerted to the sexualization of our daughters and the way our self-image is driven by the images we see.

Now, I'm learning about the impact of technology on the relationships our girls have with their peers. It's a scary world out there and I can only do my best to arm our girls with the skills and moral values that will help them pass through the turbulent years of adolescence.

Until I read other reviews here on Goodreads, I had no idea that this book was the inspiration for the movie Mean Girls. I'd heard of the movie, but I've never seen it. Perhaps it's one that I should watch with our girls. After, we can discuss the behaviors that are so cruel and humiliating and ways to be supportive and kind to others. It's probably better than just trying to talk with them about it.

Commonsense Media recommends this movie for 14 year-olds, but after reading this book, I think that it might be better for our girls to see this movie a bit sooner than that so that they can see the damaging effects of poor choices and we can discuss strategies to avoid making those mistakes themselves. Considering the mature themes, though, I think we'll wait at least a couple of years.

You'll notice that I have an awful lot of quotes below; this is for two reasons. First, I thought these were very pertinent and/or interesting quotes and I wanted to share them. Also, on a selfish note, transcribing these quotes here will likely help me remember them as well as be a handy reference once I've returned the book.

Somehow, I think I may need to read this book again in the coming years. After all, our girls are still years away from becoming teenagers. But even if I don't reread the book, at least I can reread my review...

October 2013 update: After I posted this review, I learned that Rosalind Wiseman has written a companion book about boys and young men, called Masterminds and Wingmen: Helping Our Boys Cope with Schoolyard Power, Locker-Room Tests, Girlfriends, and the New Rules of Boy World. Since she lightly covers boys in this book, I am not sure if I'll read the companion, but we don't have boys. Any parent who is raising a boy probably should.

interesting quotes:

"Girls are often so focused on resisting the influence of their parents that they rarely see when their peers are influencing them in the wrong way. Girls often see things in very concrete either/or ways. You, as the parent, are intrusive and prying, which equals bad; her peers are involved and understanding, which equals good." (p. 7)

"So if you're a mom reading this, it's important to remember that your experiences as a girl are both your greatest gift and liability as your daughter navigates her own friendships. They're a gift because they enable you to empathize. They're a liability if your past makes you so anxious or reactionary that you can't separate your experiences from hers." (p.8)

"When I ask girls privately wat they need most from their parents, they tell me they want their parents to be proud of them." (p. 9)

"The only thing I know for certain is that each person's dignity is not negotiable. Everyone is worthy. Everyone has the right to have her voice heard." (p. 14)

"Instilling values, respecting your daughter's growing individuality, influencing her to make good decisions, and protecting her while giving her the freedom to make mistakes is hard, hard work. A lot of the time you'll feel as if you're banging your head against a wall." (p. 19)

"Why your daughter needs a cell phone
1. She's going to a concert or any event where there will be a lot of people and it'll be easy to get lost.
2. She's going to a party where she may have to leave because she's uncomfortable.
3. She is going to more activities after school, so she needs to be able to call you or vice versa if anyone has a change of plans.
4. She drives a car.
5. She starts doing most things without parental supervision. (p. 25)

"Parents today seem to be afraid to lay down rules because they don't wat their child being angry at them. Your daughter is your child. If she's not mad at you when you enforce rules, there is something wrong." (pp. 31-32)

"When you have a teenager, your goal is to keep one step ahead of them. This has been and always will be the goal. Likewise, teens will always be looking for the next way to get one over on you. Don't take it personally. And remember, a small degree of fear and paranoia can literally save your child's life." (p. 35)

The SEAL Strategy
Stop and Strategize: Breathe, listen, and think when and where, now or later?
Explain: What happened that you don't like and what do you want?
Affirm: Admit (recognize) anything you did that contributed to the conflict but affirm your right to be treated with dignity by the other person and vice versa.
Lock: Lock in the friendship, take a vacation, or lock the friendship out. (pp. 61-62)

"The common definition of a clique is an exclusive group of girls who are close friends, but I see it a little differently. I see them as a platoon of soldiers who have banded together to survive adolescence." (p. 79)

"...the worst thing some girls learn from cliques is that it's more important to maintain a relationship at all costs instead of realizing that how they are treated within that relationship should be the basis for whether or not they stay in it." (p. 80)

"If your daughter wants to talk to you but also couches it as 'no big deal,' don't believe her. If she actually wants to talk to you, she's already telling you that she thinks it's a big deal. Anytime your daughter wants to talk, pay attention. You're ready to talk when she's ready to talk.

In any conversation like this with your daughter, there are two goals. The first is having a productive conversation with her. This means that through the process of your conversation, you want to affirm her and show that you're a good resource and a nonjudgmental listener. The second is helping her develop realistic strategies to confront her problem effectively. You'll never accomplish the second goal without the first." (p. 130)

"There's nothing more ridiculous than an adult who tries to be hip by using teen slang. Slang changes so fast that it's impossible to keep up anyway. Nevertheless, some parents think that if they use it, they'll relate to their daughter better. Not true. It only looks like you're trying too hard - and there's nothing worse to a teen." (p. 131)

"It's very clear what girls consider the worst punishment. Time and time again, they all say the same thing. The worst punishment is losing your respect and disappointing you and taking away their ability to communicate with their peers." (p. 144)

"And no matter what, don't hand down a punishment and then change your mind or don't enforce it - unless you want to lose all credibility as her parent." (p. 144)

"The only way you can fail is if you don't try, you disconnect from her and her world, you don't hold her accountable for her behavior, or you don't teach her and role model empathy, thoughtfulness, critical thinking, and the belief that everyone deserves to be treated with dignity." (pp. 147-148)

"Remember, it's never just about the shoes.
It's about style, beauty, and image and how they impact your daughter's relationship with the clique and her social position in her culture. In her mind, those shoes are the key to maintaining or getting social acceptance or complete social destruction. She could really believe that if she gets them, her life will be better." (p. 151)

If you want your daughter to grow up to be president (or at the least have people take her seriously), teach her these four seemingly small things:
1. Shake hands by extending her hand confidently, looking the other person in the eye. No dead wrists or hands allowed.
2. Sneeze naturally. She's not a kitten.
3. Do not speak a declarative sentence as if she's asking a question, meaning her voice doesn't rise on the last word she says.
4. If bothered by the presence of an insect or small animal, walk away or calmly remove it with a container or paper towel. (p. 154)

"A marker is the signifier of how your daughter accepts or rejects Girl World, her place in her community's social hierarchy and her group. Her choice of clothes, hairstyle, and overall style are all markers. So are the sports she plays, what clubs she belongs to, how well she does in school, or how much money you have." (p. 158)

"Under no circumstances do I think it's appropriate for you to be paying for or allowing her to get Brazilian bikini waxes or anything else like it. It needs to be said that this is just a bad idea all around. If you don't believe me, ask your daughter's doctor the next time you see her. A 'Brazilian' is when people get most or all of their pubic hair removed, which buys into the cultural message that the sexiest women are hairless. But the only females who are hairless are prepubescent girls. That's really messed up." (p. 162)

"Regardless of your daughter's race, class, religion, or ethnicity, it's important for her to realize the connections between markers and cultural definitions of beauty and racism so she can recognize when it's devaluing other people and challenge it." (p. 170)

"Acknowledge that sometimes, doing the right thing will bring her grief in the short term, but in the long term, it's more important to be true to her character and values. Tell her you're proud that she took the rougher road and that sooner or later, she'll feel just as proud of her actions as you do." (p. 259)

Bill of Rights for Friends
- What does she want and need in a friendship? (Trust, reliability, loyalty, telling you when they're angry with you in a respectful way)
- What are her rights in a friendship? (To be treated respectfully, with kindness and honesty)
- What are her responsibilities in a friendship? (To treat her friends ethically)
- What would a friend have to do or be like for her to end the friendship? (Not listen to her, not honor her values and ethics)
- Under what circumstances would she go to an adult for help with a problem with a friend? (When the problem feels too big to handle alone)
- What are her friends' rights and responsibilities in the friendship? (To listen even when it's not easy to hear) (p. 260)

"Part of the joy of a girl's first more serious relationship is figuring out how to get on the same page as the boy. And it does happen. But the process is hampered by a girl's ingrained need to please and not say what she really feels. This dynamic creates a coded, unclear language when a girl wants to break off a relationship." (p. 334)

"All relationships have drama, but anytime your daughter is in a relationship where she is made to feel 'less than' or smaller, where her perspective is questioned, she shouldn't be in that relationship." (p. 343)

...sexual assault statistics have consistently shown that the vast majority of sexual assaults, including rape, occur when girls are between the ages of eleven and eighteen; and the perpetrator is someone they know and of the same socioeconomic background. In other words, sexual assault is rarely perpetrated by a crazed stranger who jumps out of the bushes. It is more likely to happen at parties..." (p. 369)

"Your strategy for talking about alcohol, drugs, and sex should follow the same principles:
1. Recognize that they surround your daughter.
2. Talk with (not to) her regularly.
3. Be clear about your rules and expectations.
4. Be consistent (your actions must match what you're telling her).
5. Leave an open door for later conversations.
6. Don't be shocked and take it personally when she doesn't follow your rules.
7. Be clear about consequences and follow through.
8. Don't be in denial! (p. 384)

"I'm not going to tell you not to drink or do drugs. I know that alcohol and drugs are easy to get, and I'm pretty sure that many people you know and like are drinking and getting high. There may be parents who allow their kids to abuse alcohol or are alcoholics or drug abusers themselves. And I know that, ultimately, this is your choice. I will tell you that I don't want you to drink or do drugs for the following reason: When you're drunk or high it's harder for you to be in control of yourself, and other people can and will easily take advantage of that. The facts are that bad things happen to really smart people when they drink and do drugs. I'm also really worried about your getting into a car with someone who's drunk or high but seems sober. But I can't control what you do. When you're away from me, I've got to hope that you'll make choices that will keep you safe and out of trouble." (pp. 385-386)

"So in sum, my goals for your daughter are the following:
1. She can recognize when she is in over her head and has friends who will take care of her.
2. She understands why other girls may turn on her and doesn't let their interactions with her make her feel insecure.
3. She knows her own boundaries about drinking, doing drugs, and having sex and is able to communicate them clearly to others.
4. She trusts her gut.
5. She knows that if she makes a mistake, she can go to you or another adult you both trust for guidance.
6. If she breaks a family rule, she knows you'll be there to hold her accountable but not make her feel forever ashamed of herself for any mistakes she's made. (p. 396)

For more information, see www.rosalindwiseman.com
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