Funny Quotes

“The shade is "Mummy Brown." If mummified Egyptians had known they were fated to be pulverized to produce an umber for such a mediocre painter, they surely would have chosen other burial options.”
― Virginia Feito, Victorian Psycho

“She opened her mouth. Closed it again. Was Aly flustered? Oh, this was too good. My dark, devious heart sang at the sight of her searching for a way to excuse her behavior. I was going to torment the fuck out of this woman, and it was going to be so much fun.”
― Navessa Allen, Lights Out

“He was astonishingly ugly, so much so that the prettiest boot-embroiderer of the day, Irma Boissy, was so revolted by his looks as to declare him to be impossible. But this in no way discouraged Grantaire, who gazed tenderly and fixedly at all women with an air of saying "If I chose", and strove to persuade his comrades that he was universally sought after.”
― Victor Hugo, Les Misérables

“Just let people in, and keep the losers and weirdos out. Now go. Please.”
― Cindy R.X. He, Perfect Little Monsters

“You keep telling yourself that, poopsie.”
― Lynn Painter, Happily Never After

“Nature contains its abortions, and its self-parodies. Take a break that isn't a break, wings that aren't wings, fins that aren't fins, paws that aren't paws, agonized squawks that make you want to laugh, and you have a duck. But if domestic poultry can exist side by side with real birds I see no reason why our "classic" tragedy should not exist side by side with the antique.”
― Victor Hugo, Les Misérables

“Nature contains its abortions, and its self-parodies. Take a beak that isn't a beak, wings that aren't wings, fins that aren't fins, paws that aren't paws, agonized squawks that make you want to laugh, and you have a duck. But if domestic poultry can exist side by side with real birds I see no reason why our "classic" tragedy should not exist side by side with the antique.”
― Victor Hugo, Les Misérables

“Den Dhur stared out through the viewport and considered whether the relief from boredom offered by challenging Thi Xon Yimmon to a game of dejarik was worth the extreme humiliation that would inevitably follow.”
― Michael Reaves, The Last Jedi

“By gor’, that’s a bloody enormous cat.”
“It’s a lion,” said Granny Weatherwax, looking at the stuffed head over the fireplace.
“Must’ve hit the wall at a hell of a speed, whatever it was,” said Nanny Ogg
“Someone killed it,” said Granny Weatherwax, surveying the room.
“Should think so,” said Nanny, “If I’d seen something like that eatin’ its way through the wall I’d of hit it myself”
― Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad

“I am afraid only of people who cannot think.”
― William Manchester, The Last Lion Winston Spencer Churchill 1874 Visions of Glory 1932

“Someone in this room is getting fucked tonight but only one of you is going to like it.”
― Nenia Campbell, Sine Qua Non

“Dr. Westin says "You need to tell her how you feel."

I don't want to tell Alyssa how I feel. I just want to throw something at her.”
― Freida McFadden, The Devil Wears Scrubs

“The boys exchanged uneasy glances. It was their first experience with
the inexorable logic of women, which is overwhelming even, or perhaps
especially, when it is wrong. This was new to them, exciting and frightening.”
― John Steinbeck, East of Eden

“The boys exchanged uneasy glances. It was their first experience with the inexorable logic of women, which is overwhelming even, or perhaps especially, when it is wrong. This was new to them, exciting and frightening.”
― John Steinbeck, East of Eden

“She paused, giving Paz a quizzical appraisal, “Also, bunny and heavy armor, that’s both cute and hilarious."
“I’m coming with you!“ Paz told her.
Moon blinked, but took it in her stride. “Fine, you’ll be one more thing for the guns to aim at that isn’t me, same questions slightly louder.”
― M.R. Carey, Echo of Worlds

“A few microbes are more sensitive to heat than our own bodies are. By raising our body temperature, we in effect try to bake the germs to death before we get baked ourselves.”
― Guns, Germs, and Steel

“the tale of Scarlett and Nate wasn’t so much will-they-or-won’t-they but when-will-they-dammit.”
― Emily Grimoire, Impractical Magic

“Sounds like Louise casts her vote in my favor,” Scarlett said. “It’s hard to tell, but—” “I favor nothing,” she declared. “I am the voice of a cold, indifferent universe.” “Put a sock in it, time witch,” Mama shot back. “I don’t recall inviting H.P. Lovecraft into my dining room.”
― Emily Grimoire

“Possessing a creative mind, after all, is something like having a border collie as a pet: It needs to work, or else it will cause you an outrageous amount of trouble.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear

“I can save you the trouble!" called Joshua, from farther down the wall. "His Lordship can stuff it in his arse!”
― T. Kingfisher, A Wizard’s Guide to Defensive Baking

“Joyously solve and stay pure with resolve.”
― J.S. Mason

“My lungs ached from smoke inhalation.

My soul ached from killing.

My shoulders ached from carrying the weight of being the coolest person at the academy”
― Jasmine Mas, Psycho Devils

“I am one strong sneeze away from a full-on breakdown at any moment”
― Megan E. O'Keefe, The Bound Worlds

“Honestly,” his brows pinched together, his grip on Atlas’s hair tightening, “how did you get like. . . this?” “Wouldn’t you like to know,” Atlas said, his voice low, “Weather Boy?”
― Ashton Morgan, The Music of Monsters

“According to Lawton, Lin wanted to print a t-shirt that read, "Grab you joystick, here comes Moses!"

"I had to talk him out of that one," Lawton said.”
― Gabe Durham, Bible Adventures

“In the meantime, I like things the way they are. Maybe that makes me weird. Maybe its even part of what makes me an ‘artist,’ like Mom said, but it just kind of works for me this way…”
― James Patterson, Middle School, The Worst Years of My Life - Free Preview: The First 20 Chapters

“Take care of that dress," Elyse said. "Might come in handy one day.”
― Anna Marie Riley, In Plain Sight

“Girl," Vanessa said. "You're in an Irish bar. It wouldn't surprise me if they mixed whiskey with stout and tried to pass it as Chardonnay.”
― Anna Marie Riley, In Plain Sight

“She just shakes her head. As though the problem goes beyond words. Like she asked for an interim report and I gave her a handful of peanut shells with the salt licked off.”
― Annika Martin, The Billionaire’s Wake-up-call Girl

“I have a vevy gweat fwiend in Wome called Biggus Dickus”
― Monty Python, Monty Python: Life of Brian Monty