The Sword and Laser discussion

I'm loving the humour in this book and I'm flat out underlying quotable quotes as the laughs keep coming. And I've just started.
Possibly some of them need a bit more context and I'm not even sure some of them are supposed to be funny but I loved it. Maybe its just a case of small things amuse small minds but these had me ROFL.


Her eyes closed, and her hand fell limply to her side, and her soul departed to the Yellow Springs Beneath the Earth.


The families knelt to pray to Lady Horsehead


Could this be the great Li Kao, whose brain had caused the empire to bow at his feet? Who had been elevated to the highest rank of mandarin, and whose mighty head was now being used as a pillow for drunken flies?


“My surname is Li and my personal name is Kao, and there is a slight flaw in my character,”


“I already know how your plague learned to count,” he said calmly. “Bend over.”


“Number Ten Ox, eh? Muscles are highly overrated, but yours may come in handy,” he said. “We will have to hurry, and for a variety of reasons you may be required to twist somebody’s head off.”


I would suggest that you take aim at your village and start running like hell,”


Go ahead and some more.

I put the whole section in but this is my favorite part


His hand shot out, a blade glinted, blood spurted, and he calmly dropped the thug’s earring into his pocket, along with the ear that was attached to it. “My surname is Li and my personal name is Kao, and there is a slight flaw in my character,” he said with a polite bow. “This is my esteemed client, Number Ten Ox, who is about to strike you over the head with a blunt object.”

I wasn’t quite sure what a blunt object was, but I was spared the embarrassment of asking when the thug sat down at a table and began to cry. Li Kao exchanged a bawdy joke with One-Eyed Wong, pinched Fat Fu’s vast behind, and beckoned for me to join them at a table with a jar of wine that was not of their own manufacture.

“Ox, it occurs to me that your education may be deficient in certain basic aspects of human intercourse, and I suggest that you pay close attention,” he said. He placed the thug’s jade earring, which was quite beautiful, upon the table. “A lovely thing,” he said.

“Trash,” sneered One-Eyed Wong.

“Cheap imitation jade,” sneered Fat Fu.

“Carved by a blind man,” sneered One-Eyed Wong.

“Worst earring I ever saw,” sneered Fat Fu.

“How much?” asked One-Eyed Wong.

“It is yours for a song,” said Master Li. “In this case a song means a large purse of fake gold coins, two elegant suits of clothes, the temporary use of a palatial palanquin and suitably attired bearers, a cart of garbage, and a goat.”

One-Eyed Wong did some mental addition.

“No goat.”

“But I must have a goat.”

“It isn’t that good an earring.”

“It doesn’t have to be that good a goat.”

“No goat.”

“But you not only get the earring, you also get the ear that is attached to it,” said Master Li.

The proprietors bent over the table and examined the bloody thing with interest.

“This is not a very good ear,” sneered One-Eyed Wong.

“It is a terrible ear,” sneered Fat Fu.

“Revolting,” sneered One-Eyed Wong.

“Worst ear I ever saw,” sneered Fat Fu.

“Besides, what good is it?” asked One-Eyed Wong.

“Look at the vile creature it came from, and imagine the filth that has been hissed into it.” Master Li bent over the table and whispered, “Let us assume that you have an enemy.”

“Enemy,” said One-Eyed Wong.

“He is a wealthy man with a country estate.”

“Estate,” said Fat Fu.

“A stream flows through the estate.”

“Stream,” said One-Eyed Wong.

“It is midnight. You climb the fence and cleverly elude the dogs. Silent as a shadow you slip to the top of the stream and peer around slyly. Then you take this revolting ear from your pocket and dip it into the water, and words of such vileness flow out that the fish are poisoned for miles, and your enemy’s cattle drink from the stream and drop dead on the spot, and his lush irrigated fields wither into bleak desolation, and his children splash in their bathing pool and acquire leprosy, and all for the price of a goat.”

Fat Fu buried her face in her hands.

“Ten thousand blessings upon the mother who brought Li Kao into the world,” she sobbed, while One-Eyed Wong dabbed at his eyes with a filthy handkerchief and sniffled, “Sold.”

I loved this one:

The newlyweds happened to praying mantises," said Master Li. "The groom was happily engrossed in copulation, and right on cue his blushing bride craned her pretty neck and casually decapitated him. The groom's hindquarters continued to pump away while the bride devoured his head, which says something about the location of his brains, and for a moment the emperor had second thoughts about wedding bells.

Kdawg91 wrote: "I put the whole section in but this is my favorite part


His hand shot out, a blade glinted, blood spurted, and he calmly dropped the thug’s earring into his pocket, along with the ear that was at..."


I love that whole section. I love how it's proceeded by Li telling Ox he is about to give a lesson in human intercourse.

Fat Fu and Wong crying over their enemies leprous children before the "Sold" - excellent

"Yellow Springs Beneath the Earth" and "Lady Horsehead" are traditional Chinese mythology. The Yellow Springs are Huángquán (黄泉) and is the afterlife/hells located beneath the Earth. Lady Horsehead is the Godess of Silk worms.

The abbot used to say that the emotional health of a village depended upon having a man whom everyone loved to hate, and Heaven had blessed us with two of them.

Mapleson wrote: "The abbot used to say that the emotional health of a village depended upon having a man whom everyone loved to hate, and Heaven had blessed us with two of them."

Alot of truth in that one.

I have a horror of small closed places. "Saparah, tarata, mita, prajna, para--" I mumbled hoarsely.

"Oh, stop that mumbo-jumbo and get to work," Master Li said testily. "I have no objection to Buddhism, but at least you can babble in a civilized language--either that or learn something about the one you're massacring."

"It is truly said that men die like trees, from the top down." Master Li sighed.

“Indeed? In my humble village,” Master Li said sweetly, “we grow men so big that their upper lips lick the stars, while their lower lips nuzzle the earth.”
The thug thought about it.
“And where are their bodies?”
“They are like you,” said Master Li. “All mouth.”


“I shall scream!” cried Pretty Ping.
“I sincerely hope so. Ah, if I could only be ninety again,”


“Careful with that shovel!” yelped Ma the Grub, leaping back in fear. “You almost trapped my shadow inside the grave!”
“Why don’t you tie your shadow to your body with a cord, like a sensible person?”



I hugged a few dogs as I solemnly chanted the sacred vow of the Seven Bloody Bandits of the Dragon Bones Cave.
“Bat shit, rat shit, three-toed-sloth shit, bones and blades and bloody oath writ —“

"Master Li, how are we going to murder a man who laughs at axes?" I asked.

"We are going to experiment, my dear boy. Our first order of business will be to find a deranged alchemist, which should not be very difficult. China," said Master Li, "is overstocked with deranged alchemists."

I enjoyed the phrase "lacquered lohan" partially because of the alliteration, mostly due to the fact that I would read it as "liquored Lohan."

He disapproved of frivolous fables; professional storytellers were beheaded, along with vast numbers of bewildered grandmothers.

"...Master Li turned bright red while he scorched the air with the Sixty Sequential Sacrileges with which he had won the all-China Freestyle Blasphemy Competition...

"You and her other admirers can hold annual conventions."

So where is LotusCon this year?

David Sven wrote: ""...Master Li turned bright red while he scorched the air with the Sixty Sequential Sacrileges with which he had won the all-China Freestyle Blasphemy Competition..."

there really ought to be a freestyle blasphemy competition

"Blessed are the idiots, for they are happiest people on earth."