Support for Indie Authors discussion

Hi everyone, if you could give some feedback on these blurb attempts, I would be very grateful. No 1 is what I came up with to start with, No 2 is the cut-down version because a friend suggested I should take all the long words out. Do you like the simple version better? Is it too long? Any other comments? The genre is the more literary end of fantasy/magical realism. Thanks...

Version 1. Driven by an apopheny (like an epiphany, only wronger), leaving behind everything except her husband and child, Anat Byrne embarks on the life of a 21st century nomad. She's even got the job to go with it, collecting cultural curiosities for a Chinese unicorn with a museum the size of a city. Her qualifications? A casual approach to the distinction between meum and tuum and a tendency to see things. The pay? A soul she doesn't believe in and a bonus she can't count on. To gain access to the secrets of the collection, Anat must hunt and capture the Qilin's most wanted curiosity, an elusive goddess known only as the American Dream.

But what does the Qilin want a goddess for? Is it just a chimera with connoisseurial tendencies or something more sinister altogether? And where does that leave Anat? Collector or kidnapper? Explorer, thief, creator? Before long, Anat is wondering what either of them really wants… or needs… or should have. And, for that matter, how much they can get...

Version 2. Leaving everything behind, Anat Byrne embarks on the life of a 21st century nomad. She's even got the job to go with it, collecting cultural curiosities for a Chinese unicorn. Her qualifications? A casual approach to acquiring things that don't belong to her and a tendency to see things. The pay? A soul she doesn't believe in and a bonus she can't count on. To gain access to the secrets of the collection, Anat must hunt and capture her employer's most wanted curiosity, an elusive goddess known only as the American Dream.

But what does a unicorn want a goddess for? Is it really driven by connoisseurial tendencies or something more sinister altogether? And where does that leave Anat? Collector or kidnapper? Explorer, thief, creator? Before long, Anat is wondering what either of them really wants… or needs… or should have. And, for that matter, how much they can get…

The second one is much better. I found the first one a real turn off and would have set the book down the moment I read the word 'wronger'. If I hadn't and continued to read on, I would have been confused by 'meum' and 'tuum' and would have decided the book would be just as confusing.

#2 because, what Lisa said.

I like better the second one is more to the point and feels good, dont explain too much let the readers see for themselves when they read.

Yep, the second is better. No one wants to have to look up words they find in a blurb...it just portends troubles to come!

The second is clearer, simpler, and achieves the same thing.

Anne wrote: "Hi everyone, if you could give some feedback on these blurb attempts, I would be very grateful. No 1 is what I came up with to start with, No 2 is the cut-down version because a friend suggested I ..."

I prefer #2, but I would keep that opening line and parenthetical explanation as a line and footnote in the book. "Driven by an apopheny (like an epiphany, only wronger)" has Terry Pratchett-esque charm to it.

Am I the only one that has never heard of the word apopheny? I couldn't find a definition for it anywhere.

Definitely like the second one. When there's a word I don't immediately know, I suspect I'm going to come across many more. It's also more chatty, which is my preference.

First, I'll say that the language of the blurb should follow the language of the book. If you are writing at the literary end of fantasy/magical realism, the job of the blurb (IMHO) is to filter, not entice. Otherwise you might get people who think "Unicorn!", get the book, hit "apopheny", "meum and tuum", say "WTF?", return the book and savage it in a review. That might have some entertainment value, but I suspect it may not serve your purpose.

That said, I prefer the second choice, if this is a digital decision, because I think it flows better.

If this is not a digital choice, I afraid neither really grabs me. To me, they lack tension, and some the notions expressed seem disjoint: they are a bit like items in a catalog that seem don't quite go together, but should. I feel a bit like I'm being asked to build some bridges here, and that gives me pause.

On the other hand, I pay little if any attention to blurbs -- I proceed directly to the sample, so the blurb will have no bearing on whether I decide to buy the book.

If I did pay attention to blurbs, one that started with something like this would get my attention:

“What do you do when an enigmatic Chinese unicorn (there being no other kind, as the World in general knows) asks you to steal the American Dream?

If you find that a silly question, you are not Anat Byrne, who, driven by an apopheny (like an epiphany, only wronger), left everything behind to . . .”

If I’ve exceeded my remit here, I beg your forgiveness.

Owen wrote: "“What do you do when an enigmatic Chinese unicorn (there being no other kind, as the World in general knows) asks you to steal the American Dream?

If you find that a silly question, you are not Anat Byrne, who, driven by an apopheny (like an epiphany, only wronger), left everything behind to . . .”"

Aaaaaaaaaand, you would have lost me there. ;D

Micah wrote: "Aaaaaaaaaand, you would have lost me there. ;D "

That's because I'm perfecting the fine art of writing uncatchy blurbs. ;-)

Allow me to preface my feedback by stating that I'm very analytical, extremely imperfect, and overly critical. I'll recommend doing things that I'm unable to do, usually because I can't separate myself from my own situation to look at things from a distance. So, here we go:

#1 Don't use words that the "average" reader may not understand. You don't want to require readers to look up words just to get through a paragraph.

#2 Keep it simple, one paragraph is usually enough.

With that out of the way, it's my opinion that even the second blurb could be both condensed easier to read. The two suggestions I've listed above can also be found, written in different ways, online at various websites from "expert" advice in regard to writing blurbs. I am not that expert :)

Best of luck!
A.

Armando wrote: "#1 Don't use words that the "average" reader may not understand. You don't want to require readers to look up words just to get through a paragraph..."

In general, that is very good advice. But I think one should consider what the "average" reader likes to read. There is little point in writing a blurb that appeals to people who will not enjoy the book. It is much better to show them what they are getting into.

What they all said. Go with the second.

Owen wrote: "Armando wrote: "#1 Don't use words that the "average" reader may not understand. You don't want to require readers to look up words just to get through a paragraph..."

In general, that is very goo..."

Your comment is both abstract and literal. I like it. As for what the "average" reader enjoys, I don't know what that is, but I agree with you that the reader of the blurb should have a solid idea of what the book's about :)

Lisa wrote: "Am I the only one that has never heard of the word apopheny? I couldn't find a definition for it anywhere."

It's a made up word. From 'a-' (not), 'popheny' (not an epiphany). Wronger is also a made up word of course. So okay, maybe none of that in the blurb : )

Owen wrote: "If you are writing at the literary end of fantasy/magical realism, the job of the blurb (IMHO) is to filter, not entice. Otherwise you might get people who think "Unicorn!", get the book, hit "apopheny", "meum and tuum", say "WTF?", return the book and savage it in a review."

Thanks, your whole comment is very helpful, especially this bit. It isn't at all my intention to draw people in who aren't going to like the thing, which is definitely in Angela Carter-ish territory. I'll think on your suggestions.

Thanks everyone. I'll aim for the second version, but try to rework it a bit so that people can tell what sort of thing is inside.

Anne wrote: "Lisa wrote: "Am I the only one that has never heard of the word apopheny? I couldn't find a definition for it anywhere."

It's a made up word. From 'a-' (not), 'popheny' (not an epiphany). Wronger..."

That's hilarious! What's even more hilarious is that I didn't even think to look it up, I just assumed it was a real word... but since you "created" it, who's to say that it's not "real" :)

Anne wrote: "Lisa wrote: "Am I the only one that has never heard of the word apopheny? I couldn't find a definition for it anywhere."

It's a made up word. From 'a-' (not), 'popheny' (not an epiphany). Wronger..."

When I first read it, I misread it and thought it was a play on the linguistic term, apophony. I was imagining someone being driven to nomadism by vowel shifts. :-)

I agree, the second one is better. But I'm in awe of your blurb-writing skills ;)

Aderyn wrote: "I agree, the second one is better. But I'm in awe of your blurb-writing skills ;)"

Thank you :)