Terminalcoffee discussion

Which is easier for you, giving or receiving?

I ask because I gave our symphony tickets to friends this weekend. We were too busy and I thought they'd like to go...which they did...and the guy dropped off donuts for us this morning. I realized, in the exchange, that it's way easier for me to give than to receive. I'm not a good receiver of help/advice/etc. I'm just...uncomfortable...and I know that sounds stupid. I should be able to get help or receive something from someone without feeling like I'm doing something wrong. I guess I'm ok with "receiving" in some cases...e.g...when someone helps me fix my car, etc., in areas when I don't have any expertise, but I strive hard for independence and sometimes asking for help makes me feel weak. I need to get better at receiving/asking for help. It doesn't make any sense to feel comfortable giving help and not receiving it, since by giving help I'm putting others in the same situation in which I feel uncomfortable.

What do you think? Where do you fit on the "giving/receiving" playing field?

I'm the same way, RA. I have no issue with helping others and am often happy to do so, but I feel like it denotes weakness on my part to need or especially have to ask for help. Kind of silly, since whenever I help someone I do not think that they are weak.

This is probably opening up a can of overanalyzed worms, but I think a lot of guys our age have "man issues" like this. Our fathers and grandfathers are the people that we have learned gender roles from, yet our world is very much different from theirs and no one seems to have written a manual. They seemed able to pull off the rugged self sufficiency thing a lot better than we do, but I also don't remember them taking such an active role in raising children and domestic tasks. Just an observation with a bunch of sweeping generalizations, not pining for a group hug or anything...

This is something I've been talking about with close friends lately.

I'm also for giving, and I suspect most people are. I hate feeling like I'm a burden. I have been especially bad at receiving compliments. It took me years to learn how to not frown every time someone said something nice to me. I used to freak out a little, negating everything.

I think receiving is so uncomfortable because it forces me to put myself in a place of... dependence? isn't quite the word, but you tend to have less control when you're on the receiving end, and there's the risk of falling into a debt you cannot or don't want to repay. But I've been learning that without a willingness to show that I do need help from time to time -- without this sort of vulnerability, I cannot properly cherish the people around me. I can't love if I'm too busy pretending to be self-sufficient. I can't love people I don't trust enough to be myself around.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes receiving is giving...? If that makes sense.

I have realized that the difference between giving help and needing help is just a twist of the wrist. It is liberating to give and refreshingly humbling to receive. Knowing that I have people that care enough about me to give is worth the uncomfortableness (is that a word) I get when I receive. I help everyone and need to say no more often but I would rather error to this side than to the other of not helping enough

Good points. Seems I am maybe talking about unsolicited help, like random acts of kindness or me offering to help rather than people asking me for help. I do that too but not the same gratification as when I offer I think. Is that the wrong attitude? Plus I have a pick-up truck so everyone is calling me

I agree, Isabella. Setting boundaries is an important part of taking care of yourself. I'm learning how to do this responsibly, which entails learning how to receive better and how to set boundaries/realistic goals/not care too much what other people think as long as I'm doing my best.

I sense that, with you, it comes from a desire to make others happy, which is a good thing. : ) But yes! Givers need to take care of themselves, too.

I don't think about it that much. I try to follow and lead with my heart

there is a teaching which says that everything one does, it is for receiving something back. even when you smile, it is for receiving a smile back. they say that we don't do these intentionally.
I prefer giving, but if we consider these teaching, then Giving is also the Receiving(of self-sufficiancy, of feeling that you are kind, that you are of some help and use)

if I ever wrote a memoir it will be called: Don't Follow Too Close; Something Might Fly Out

This a anology to my life and me hauling stuff for people in my truck

Yes.

This is interesting...I appreciate the thoughtful responses.

I tend to say "thank you" so much to someone I think I freak them out. I'm not kidding. I've got to get a little better with that.

Thanks for saying that RA.

Bastard!

:)

I agree with the "receiving is a form of giving, because you allow someone to feel about themselves and do some good in the world" message, too. I'm going to try this week to live up to that.

What did that mean?

Oh, yeah, your longer post disappeared, Sherri! Shit.

I spot my own typos all the time and fix them, too. I assume the rest of you do as well because I never see other typos. Either that or you people never make typos.

Yeah, this group makes you paranoid about stuff like that. I don't want to look stopid

Sherri wrote: "You don't look stupid, Kevin. Slightly dorky at times, but that's endearing and makes us like you."

She says without a single typo.

thanks sheri !

And no mention of my intentional typo. Guess you all figured I might have goofed that one up LOLOL

Hahaha! Yep, it's the nature of posting, to see your typos after hitting the post button!

I used to be terrible about receiving. I'm not talking so much about gifts, but favors or people wanting to help me. Because as others have said, it can be all tied up with dependency and by the age of 16 I vowed to be completely independent. Also, growing up in the 60s when feminism was gaining such power, again getting help was so female and dependent, at least in my mind. This for me had to do with money and also doing things that typically were male, ex fixing things in the house like electrical and plumbing. Turns out I was good at that stuff too.

But now that I have MS and I'm not as physically able and strong, I've found that there are times that I really do need help. This was very difficult for me at first. But for instance, yesterday I was trying to dig up a massive mess in the garden, where all the weeds went so deep and were intertwined with iris and other roots, that I couldn't do it. Wah! I persisted and finally gave up, thought well jeez I have a young strapping 13yo football player, why shouldn't he help his mom? Normally he would complain and shout, but I think because of the way I asked, I was shocked when he DID IT! So I'm wondering what the change in the way I receive is, that he sensed this and gladly did it.

I like what was said about giving and receiving is really the same thing. Reminds me of the Beatles song, the love you take is equal to the love you make. And this ties into Sherri's thoughts on the power play that can go on.

I, too, have a hard time accepting compliments. I always feel like I don't really deserve the praise that's heaped on me. When I was in high school, I almost wanted to fail in order to be left alone. I like some attention (so people know I still exist); but too much is extraordinarily uncomfortable.

I feel ya, N.

This is actually a hard topic for me, and it really relates to Sherri's ideas about the balance of giving & receiving.

Given certain circumstances of my health I'm often on the receiving end of help. Help day to day with physical things like opening bottles or lifting things I can't quite manage. Often lately, help on a more longterm basis from family. I am more grateful for this help than they can know, but at the same time it is really hard not to resent that I have to rely on this from others.

I fought for years for independence from my family, and I find myself in a situation where I am more reliant on them than I am accustom to. That fierce independent streak of making my own way and doing it alone rears it's head, and I often feel the inequality of being able to return the help I'm given. (And, then I often stress myself too much because I'm being too stubborn to ask for the help I need) I hate sympathy, I hate feeling weak, and I hate not being able to do things for myself that I used to. I know I have misplaced anger over it when I should be just gracious about it (I do really try).

I think the idea of 'invisible, even secret, unacknowledged contracts come up' is very true, in that if you are the one that receives there seems to be some expectation of you staying within a certain role and playing it out to the giver's expectations. It is not a conscious thing, but noticeable nonetheless, and it can feel very controlling at times. Being on the givers' side of it also has similar issues & expectations. The balance of giving & receiving can a be very tricky thing to keep steady when it is more than a simple gift or one-time assistance.

I am just curious if anyone else has experienced this at some time in their lives?

(Slight sidebar: someone who shall remain nameless pointed out that this thread title, when read quickly, could have, ahem, sexual overtones. Heh.)

Yes, by the way, I agree that "sympathy" can sometimes translate into "I have power over you" or "I have made better choices than you". And I hate that.

ok, since all of you feel much more comfortable giving than receiving i want to help you. each of you send me $50 (which will give you the warm fuzzies for giving) and i in turn will NOT send you a thank you card (because i know it would be awkward for you)

see, that is the kind of guy i am. always thinking of you guys

I hate thank you cards. I hate writing them. I hate getting them. They seem like such a waste.

I work with a woman who will get you a present if you get her a present. And then she'll write you a thank you note. I never know when to stop or if the interaction is over.

So, Sherri, you're the Queen of unproductive behavior. I always wondered who that was.

So we are.

Sherri wrote: "Well, Larry, I can think of only a few things less productive than lecturing relative strangers on the internet from my vast thimble of collected wisdom, even if I pull out the dictionary and look ..."

wow, i hadn't thought about it like that. man, i am laughing now. lecturing relative strangers on the internet. yup. that's bout it

I just edited a typo in #41. How's that for unproductive?

Sue, I getcha on the if it's not from the heart then screw 'em tactic, but that's not exactly where I'm coming from.

Mine's more of a my needs right now just are more excessive & longer term than anticipated, and I feel out-of-balance with the people who have to help me thing. Mostly it's with my parents, having to take their generosity longer than wanted because of an illness & clashing views on life but having to be the one to keep the peace because of their generosity & being snarky in general because I hate being in the position in the first place. Ugh, now I'm whining... I hate whiners. :P

Sherri, I hear ya on the Queen of unproductive behavior. Can I at least be your Lady-in-waiting on that?

Sherri wrote: "-- we are taught, for instance, that if you do something for someone, they should say 'thank you'. Not saying "thank you" is considered rude and ungrateful, or worse. That's a contract, an expectation. Does feeling a little hurt that someone did not say thank you mean your gift or gesture was not from the heart? ..."

So then come the issue of the issue of thank-you cards sent in the mail for a gift received via mail.

For example, I always seem to be around for those "grown-up" discussions about how rude it is that such-and-such bride has not sent out a thank you card yet. How silly! Didn't we all go to the wedding to celebrate the union? And gifts are all a side-note? And no matter what Miss Manners says, some brides have to go back to work after all this wedding planning and may take more than a few weeks to get back to you about that lovely vase you sent.

Welcome to TC, Zen! I totally agree with you on thank you notes.

if you give expecting to get back you should re-examine your original giving motives. it can be tough as most of us want to be acknowledged. if you want to be liberated of this, try giving to people you will probably never see again. i try to do things occasionally like asking the drive-up window employee how much the person behind me's total is, paying it and then driving off or buying a couple of $20 gift cards for a grocery store and giving them to a school to pass on to whatever kids family they know needs it the most. you are not even thinking of a thank you because you don't know the person.

I like giving out because the more i give things out i always receive back.

honestly - i feel i have taken from the world for a lot of years and now i try to give back in many different ways. it has paid dividends in that by modeling that for my kids they have become way better people than i deserve. they all give in creative ways like that

thank you. each day i try to be for that one day and then i wake up the next day and try to do it again. here is a fav quote of mine from Winston Churchill:

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.

the Barbarian title is a spin-off of Jackie The Librarian's name on here. yes, it is in jest. i am a big ol softie

i am a collector of quote books and love quotes.

Did you know there's a parody of Conan the Barbarian, where instead, he's Conan the Librarian? It's true! Thanks to Weird Al...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mZHoHa...

oh good. me and weird al.....