The History Book Club discussion

Folks, this is satire - meaning that this did not happen but there is a certain element of truth in it.

SEPTEMBER 10, 2013
KERRY SHOCKED TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY
POSTED BY ANDY BOROWITZ



WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Secretary of State John Kerry said today that he was “shocked and flabbergasted” that the Russians heeded his suggestion about Syria’s chemical weapons, telling reporters, “After four decades in public life, this is the first time someone has taken me seriously.”

“Whether as a senator, a Presidential candidate, or Secretary of State, I’ve devoted countless hours to thunderous and droning speeches that people have consistently tuned out,” he said. “So naturally, to be listened to all of a sudden came as something of a shock.”

But after the novelty of not being ignored wore off, Mr. Kerry said, the Russians’ assertion that he had said something worth paying attention to “seemed like a trick.”

“You mean to tell me that after decades of spewing mind-numbing rhetoric I all of a sudden blurted out an idea worth acting on?” he said. “It doesn’t pass the smell test.”

At the White House, spokesman Jay Carney welcomed the Russians’ engagement in the Syria crisis, but warned that “further actions based on John Kerry’s remarks will not be tolerated.”

“We ask the Russians to be constructive participants in this process,” he said. “And taking John Kerry seriously is a clear violation of international norms.”

Photograph by Alastair Grant/WPA Pool/Getty.

Source: The New Yorker

This did not happen - this is satire

SEPTEMBER 6, 2013
G20 ENDS ABRUPTLY AS OBAMA CALLS PUTIN A JACKASS
POSTED BY ANDY BOROWITZ



ST. PETERSBURG (The Borowitz Report)—Hopes for a positive G20 summit crumbled today as President Obama blurted to Russia’s Vladimir Putin at a joint press appearance, “Everyone here thinks you’re a jackass.”

The press corps appeared stunned by the uncharacteristic outburst from Mr. Obama, who then unleashed a ten-minute tirade at the stone-faced Russian President.

“Look, I’m not just talking about Snowden and Syria,” Mr. Obama said. “What about Pussy Riot? What about your anti-gay laws? Total jackass moves, my friend.”

As Mr. Putin narrowed his eyes in frosty silence, Mr. Obama seemed to warm to his topic.

“If you think I’m the only one who feels this way, you’re kidding yourself,” Mr. Obama said, jabbing his finger in the direction of the Russian President’s face. “Ask Angela Merkel. Ask David Cameron. Ask the Turkish guy. Every last one of them thinks you’re a dick.”

Shortly after Mr. Obama’s volcanic performance, Mr. Putin released a terse official statement, reading, “I should be afraid of this skinny man? I wrestle bears.”

After one day of meetings, the G20 nations voted unanimously on a resolution that said maybe everyone should just go home.

Alexander Zemlianichenko/AP

Source: The New Yorker

Global friends - this is not a true story - this is satire

SEPTEMBER 4, 2013
OBAMA SHAKEN BY BOEHNER’S SUPPORT
POSTED BY ANDY BOROWITZ



WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Aides to President Obama said today that he was “visibly shaken” after receiving support from House Speaker John Boehner for his Syria campaign, adding that the Speaker’s vote of confidence was “making him rethink the whole thing.”

An aide to Mr. Obama, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that he was in the Oval Office with the President when he got the call from Mr. Boehner: “As it became clear that Boehner was going to support him on this, he looked more and more stunned. He was trying to stay calm and all but you could see that he was really taken aback.”

After putting down the phone with Mr. Boehner, the President reportedly told aides, “Boehner’s supporting it. That’s so weird. This is still a good idea, right?”

Moments after the President had “seemed to settle down,” the aide said, he received a phone call from House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, who also offered his support for the Syria plan.

“That one really rattled him,” the aide said. “He was like, ‘I think I need to take a long walk.’”

The calls from Mr. Boehner and Mr. Cantor have created what the aide called “the biggest crisis of confidence this President has ever experienced.”

“I checked in on him later in the day, just to see if he was O.K.,” the aide said. “He was cradling his head in his hands saying, ‘I just don’t know. I just don’t know anymore.’”

While the President’s plan to attack Syria remains on the table, the aide indicated that the situation is very fluid: “If Rand Paul calls today and says he’s in, the whole thing goes away.”

Photograph by Dennis Brack-Pool/Getty

Source: The New Yorker

Friends, this did not happen - this is satire

SEPTEMBER 3, 2013
REPUBLICANS OFFER SYRIA STRATEGY: “WE MUST DEFUND OBAMACARE”
POSTED BY ANDY BOROWITZ



WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—As the debate over Syria moves to the United States Congress, a leading Senate Republican said today that the only way to resolve the crisis in the war-torn Middle Eastern country is by “defunding Obamacare at once.”

Appearing on the Fox News Channel, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) told host Sean Hannity, “If we’re trying to send a strong message to [Syrian President] Bashar al-Assad, I can think of no better way to do that than by defunding Obamacare.”

Elaborating on his strategy, Sen. Cruz added, “By defunding Obamacare, we would basically be saying to Assad, ‘This is how we attack our own President, so just imagine what we’ll do to you.’ That would make him think twice before he pulls another one of his stunts.”

“You can fire off as many Tomahawk missiles as you want,” said Sen. Cruz. “But they won’t have the same impact on Syria as defunding Obamacare.”

Shortly after his appearance, Sen. Cruz’s statements drew a sharp rebuke from a fellow Republican, Arizona Senator John McCain, who called the prospect of bombing Syria “the only thing I have to live for.”

“Look, I’ve been in a very dark place since the 2008 election,” Sen. McCain told reporters. “There have been a lot of mornings when, quite frankly, I haven’t had a reason to get out of bed. It’s all well and good for people like Ted Cruz to criticize Tomahawk missiles, but hitting Syria is all that’s keeping me going.”

So sad but this is satire:

AUGUST 29, 2013
OBAMA PROMISES SYRIA STRIKE WILL HAVE NO OBJECTIVE
POSTED BY ANDY BOROWITZ




WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Attempting to quell criticism of his proposal for a limited military mission in Syria, President Obama floated a more modest strategy today, saying that any U.S. action in Syria would have “no objective whatsoever.”

“Let me be clear,” he said in an interview on CNN. “Our goal will not be to effect régime change, or alter the balance of power in Syria, or bring the civil war there to an end. We will simply do something random there for one or two days and then leave.”

“I want to reassure our allies and the people of Syria that what we are about to undertake, if we undertake it at all, will have no purpose or goal,” he said. “This is consistent with U.S. foreign policy of the past.”

While Mr. Obama clearly hoped that his proposal of a brief and pointless intervention in Syria would reassure the international community, it immediately drew howls of protest from U.S. allies, who argued that two days was too open-ended a timeframe for such a mission.

That criticism led White House spokesman Jay Carney to brief reporters later in the day, arguing that the President was willing to scale down the U.S. mission to “twenty-four hours, thirty-six tops.”

“It may take twenty-four hours, but it could also take twelve,” Mr. Carney said.

“Maybe we get in there, take a look around, and get out right away. But however long it takes, one thing will not change: this mission will have no point. The President is resolute about that.”

Source: The New Yorker
Photograph by Brendan Smialowski/AFP/Getty.

Andy Borowitz is very funny.

Scalia is a jerk.

Even an atheist raised as a Jew (e.g. me) can admire the things Francis is saying.

He is (Borowitz) - but I think that Scalia is just very impressed with his own intellect and is very much an arch conservative - I do not think he is a bad person - but a very intelligent man who has unfortunately some very strident and far right viewpoints which this Pope does not share. And his rulings have angered the far left so he is in the spotlight more and more.

Pope Francis is saying things that should be discussed and that is refreshing.

A bit of trivia, history and (hopefully) humor: http://whaddoiknow.wordpress.com/5-se...

A very funny video about the (non-existent) world's funniest joke. Clean. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ienp4...

And historical, for the record :)

Who does not like Monty Python - thanks for the add

This is from a very funny comedian in the Netherlands and it has gone viral.

At the beginning there are subtitles - not very long and then the remainder is in English. It is very funny. From the show “Sunday with Lubach” The voiceover is done by an English-language voice-over by Trump imitator Greg Shapiro, an American comedian who lives and performs in Amsterdam.

Link: https://youtu.be/ELD2AwFN9Nc

Born A Crime: Stories from a South African Childhood

by Trevor Noah

Synopsis:

WINNER OF THE THURBER PRIZE

The compelling, inspiring, (often comic) coming-of-age story of Trevor Noah, set during the twilight of apartheid and the tumultuous days of freedom that followed.

One of the comedy world's brightest new voices, Trevor Noah is a light-footed but sharp-minded observer of the absurdities of politics, race and identity, sharing jokes and insights drawn from the wealth of experience acquired in his relatively young life. As host of the US hit show The Daily Show with Trevor Noah, he provides viewers around the globe with their nightly dose of biting satire, but here Noah turns his focus inward, giving readers a deeply personal, heartfelt and humorous look at the world that shaped him.

Noah was born a crime, son of a white Swiss father and a black Xhosa mother, at a time when such a union was punishable by five years in prison. Living proof of his parents' indiscretion, Trevor was kept mostly indoors for the first years of his life, bound by the extreme and often absurd measures his mother took to hide him from a government that could, at any moment, take him away.

A collection of eighteen personal stories, Born a Crime tells the story of a mischievous young boy growing into a restless young man as he struggles to find his place in a world where he was never supposed to exist. Born a Crime is equally the story of that young man's fearless, rebellious and fervently religious mother - a woman determined to save her son from the cycle of poverty, violence and abuse that ultimately threatens her own life.

Whether subsisting on caterpillars for dinner during hard times, being thrown from a moving car during an attempted kidnapping, or just trying to survive the life-and-death pitfalls of dating in high school, Noah illuminates his curious world with an incisive wit and an unflinching honesty. His stories weave together to form a personal portrait of an unlikely childhood in a dangerous time, as moving and unforgettable as the very best memoirs and as funny as Noah's own hilarious stand-up. Born a Crime is a must read.

Media Reviews:

An engaging, fast-paced and vivid read . . . Essential reading not only because it is a personal story of survival, leavened with insight and wit, but because it does more to expose apartheid - its legacy, its pettiness, its small-minded stupidity and its damage - than any other recent history book or academic text * GUARDIAN *

It's no surprise that Trevor Noah, the slyly suave successor to Jon Stewart as host of The Daily Show, should write a smart book. But 'smart' doesn't begin to cover what he pulls off in Born a Crime . . . Noah's memoir is extraordinary . . . essential reading on every level. It's hard to imagine anyone else doing a finer job of it * SEATTLE TIMES *

Powerful... The story of his life is full of chase scenes in which he runs, hell for leather, from spankings, from the long arm of the law, and from the swinging fist of his stepfather... a unique perspective * THE TIMES *

A soul-nourishing pleasure, even with all its darker edges and perilous turns, reading Noah recount in brisk, warmly conversational prose how he learned to negotiate his way through the bullying and ostracism . . . is an enormous gift * USA TODAY *

A BOOK TO READ NOW * WALL STREET JOURNAL *

A memoir with heft... The interracial coupling that produced him really was a crime, making him an outsider. But he thrives with the help of his astonishingly fearless mother. (At one point she tosses him from a moving car -- driven by gangsters -- to save his life.) However brutal South African history is, their fierce bond makes this story soar * PEOPLE, Best New Books *

Noah has a real story to tell -- and tells it well... A little scary, but trust me -- it's funny * NEWSDAY *

An affecting memoir. . . a love letter to his mother * WASHINGTON POST *

Mind-blowing as f*** * COSMOPOLITAN *

Noah proves a gifted storyteller, deftly lacing his poignant tales with amusing irony * ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY *

Incisive, funny, and vivid, these staggering true tales are anchored to Noah's portrait of his courageous, rebellious, and religious mother who defied racially restrictive laws to secure an education and a career for herself - and to have a child with a white Swiss/German even though sex between whites and blacks was illegal. . . . Trevor Noah's electrifying memoir sparkles with funny stories . . . and his candid and compassionate essays deepen our perception of the complexities of race, gender, and class * BOOKLIST *

A gritty memoir . . . studded with insight and provocative social criticism . . . and brilliant storytelling and acute observations * KIRKUS *

Sharp, at times harrowing ... The Daily Show host Trevor Noah reveals his coming-of-age as the son of protective interracial parents in apartheid South Africa * HARPER'S BAZAAR *

Humble, candid and funny * ELLE (South Africa) *

Thoughtful, observant and empathetic...a warm and human story of the type we will need to survive the Trump presidency's imminent freezing of humane values * MAIL & GUARDIAN (South Africa) *

Compelling . . . By turns alarming, sad, and funny, his book provides a harrowing look through the prism of Noah's family, at life in South Africa under apartheid and the country's lurching entry into a post-apartheid era in the 1990s . . . Born a Crime is not just an unnerving account of growing up in South Africa under apartheid, but a love letter to the author's remarkable mother -- Michiko Katutani * New York Times *

Satire - Andy Borowitz - THIS DID NOT HAPPEN

Kavanaugh Offers to Pay for Wall by Recycling His Empties

By Andy BorowitzJanuary 10, 2019

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a bid to end the government shutdown, Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh said on Thursday that he would recycle his empties to pay for a wall with Mexico.

Speaking to reporters from his office at the Court, Kavanaugh said that the inspiration came to him while he was building a beer-can pyramid in his basement rec room on Wednesday night.

“I was in my man cave, building this rad beer pyramid, and I was, like, I bet if I recycled all the beer cans down here plus the ones out in the garage, I’d have enough to pay for that freaking wall,” the Supreme Court Justice said.

He added that he started calling a number of his friends from Georgetown Prep to see if they would contribute their empties to the effort, and found that they were “totally stoked” about the idea.

“P.J., Tobin, and Squee are all in,” he said. “This wall is gonna freaking rule.”

Born Standing Up

by Steve Martin

Synopsis:

In the midseventies, Steve Martin exploded onto the comedy scene. By 1978 he was the biggest concert draw in the history of stand-up. In 1981 he quit forever. This book is, in his own words, the story of "why I did stand-up and why I walked away."

Emmy and Grammy Award winner, author of the acclaimed New York Times bestsellers Shopgirl and The Pleasure of My Company, and a regular contributor to The New Yorker, Martin has always been a writer. His memoir of his years in stand-up is candid, spectacularly amusing, and beautifully written.

At age ten Martin started his career at Disneyland, selling guidebooks in the newly opened theme park. In the decade that followed, he worked in the Disney magic shop and the Bird Cage Theatre at Knott's Berry Farm, performing his first magic/comedy act a dozen times a week. The story of these years, during which he practiced and honed his craft, is moving and revelatory. The dedication to excellence and innovation is formed at an astonishingly early age and never wavers or wanes.

Martin illuminates the sacrifice, discipline, and originality that made him an icon and informs his work to this day. To be this good, to perform so frequently, was isolating and lonely. It took Martin decades to reconnect with his parents and sister, and he tells that story with great tenderness. Martin also paints a portrait of his times-the era of free love and protests against the war in Vietnam, the heady irreverence of The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour in the late sixties, and the transformative new voice of Saturday Night Live in the seventies.

Throughout the text, Martin has placed photographs, many never seen before. Born Standing Up is a superb testament to the sheer tenacity, focus, and daring of one of the greatest and most iconoclastic comedians of all time.

Award:

Grammy Award Nominee for Best Spoken Word Album (2009)

Andy Borowitz - This is a Satire - this is not true


In Better Times - President Trump and Madame Speaker Nancy Pelosi

Dems Agree to Fund Wall and Reopen Government If Trump Leaves Country Forever

Link: https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borow...

Source: Andy Borowitz and The New Yorker