Support for Indie Authors discussion

EDIT

Thanks so much for all the responses! I have edited version 2, which seems to be the most popular one. If anyone has any other ideas for improvement please let me know.

NEW VERSION 2

It is the darkest time in winter, when suns, stars, and moon, all wane from the sky. In the Wolf clan, a baby is born with a powerful Gift, but dangerous omens brand her an Outcast, and the Elders name her Iluna.

The Wolf clan is proud and strong, distrustful of outsiders, and intolerant of outcasts. Iluna struggles to belong, but her powers bloom, and she finds a mysterious friend — the raven.

A peril threatens. Dark magic, war, and treachery jeopardize the life of every clan member.

Is this Outcast girl to blame, or is she salvation?


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ORIGINAL POST

Like everyone else I hate writing these things!

I have three versions that I would like any feedback on - either let me know which one you prefer or suggest what I have to do to make a better one.

The book is a fantasy novel called 'The Raven'. Thank you :)

VERSION 1

It is the darkest time in winter, when suns, stars and moons all wane from the sky. In the Wolf clan a baby is born with a powerful Gift. But the Circle Elders are not pleased with the dangerous omens the baby signifies.

Iluna was meant to die.

The Wolf clan is proud and strong, distrustful of outsiders and shameful of outcasts. Iluna struggles with loneliness and her desire to belong. Her Gift comforts her. Ever alone, she conducts secret lessons, deep in the forest. As she grows, her powers bloom and she finds a mysterious friend — the raven.
Soon a new peril threatens — a frightful foreign tribe. Dark magic, war and treachery jeopardise the very life of every clan member. Many blame Iluna, but a few consider her power their only chance to survive the coming evil. If Iluna uses her Gift it will confirm her as a 'witch' in the minds of most, but if she does nothing, they will all die.

VERSION 2

It is the darkest time in winter, when suns, stars, and moons, all wane from the sky. In the Wolf clan, a baby is born with a powerful Gift, but dangerous omens brand her an Outcast.

The Wolf clan is proud and strong, distrustful of outsiders, and intolerant of outcasts. As she grows, her powers bloom, and she finds a mysterious friend.

A peril threatens. Dark magic, war, and treachery, jeopardize the life of every clan member.

Is this Outcast girl to blame, or is she salvation?

VERSION 3

Ill omened bird. Ill omened birth?

It is the darkest of seasons for the nomadic People of Ona, a winter's night when all celestial bodies have fled the sky. In this bleakest hour a dying widow of the Wolf Clan gives birth. Custom demands that infant girl be sacrificed to appease the Malfir, hungry spirits of darkness, lest they use her as a channel of ill luck to destroy the clan. Yet a sign causes Izhur, the clan's young Soragan, to defy the elders and spare her.

The child, Iluna, grows to a young woman, despite her clan's hostility. One day she encounters a seldom seen bird, a raven, said to be the messenger of the Malfir. And her totem.

Danger strikes when a foreign clan attacks and Iluna's secret Gift must emerge from the dark.

I like version #2, short, sweet, powerful.

Jack wrote: "I like version #2, short, sweet, powerful."

Thanks so much, Jack.

I second that. I like version #2 for the same reasons as Jack.

In this version we don't know the name of our heroine though. Suggest slight change: As Iluna grows, her powers bloom, and she finds a mysterious friend.

Number two is more appealing on a general level. It gives information, hints at the overall conflict, and even establishes an idea of the tone of the piece. The other two version sound too "in-universe" to me. Though they do go on to explain things, I felt like too much of an outsider reading them. Too much going on. Number two does a far better job at delivering the proper information in a way that feels written for strangers to you and the work itself.

I vote for the second, agree with K's suggestion to add Iluna's name (it's so perfect, of course, for a wolf story), and also suggest adding "The Raven" as the mysterious friend--since it is, after all, the title of the book.

I prefer version #2 as well.

The Wolf clan is proud and strong, distrustful of outsiders, and intolerant of outcasts. As she grows, her powers bloom, and she finds a mysterious friend. <-- perhaps you could add Iluna's name here?

I like #2 also - and I agree that you probably should add her name. And remove the comma after "treachery" in that middle section. By the way, it sounds like a pretty interesting read!

I'm also voting for #2. The others provide details that won't be that meaningful to me until I read the work, so those details don't add much. Adding the name of her mysterious friend (the raven). That explains the title.

I like the line "Ill omened bird. Ill omened birth?" and maybe that could a tag line? (Think it needs hyphens, though.)

Thanks so much for all the fantastic feedback :D

I have edited version 2 (in my first post). I've incorporated the ideas of using Iluna's name and mentioning the raven. If anyone has time to offer further feedback I'd appreciate it. Thank you!

Caroline wrote: "By the way, it sounds like a pretty interesting read!"

Thanks Caroline :D