THE Group for Authors! discussion

I wrote a blog post about this today as well--I'm asking my writer friends for feedback, as I try to put together the blurb for my latest novel.

I'd appreciate any comments either here or at my blog: http://judygoodwin.wordpress.com .

Which catches your interest more?

Version 1:

Twins born of a magical heritage.

Aidah controls life and spirit while her brother Tavish controls light and heat; a Firestarter. Living sheltered in the mountains, they think little of their abilities, always getting into typical teenage mischief.

Until disaster strikes.

Two nations fight for possession of the twins, forcing them to flee. With their uncle and a talking dog as companions, Aidah and Tavish must make the perilous journey to Landaran, city of the Protector. They will need all their skills, all their cunning along the way, against enemies, against nature, and most of all against themselves.

For they say Spirit Mages are either angels or devils. And Firestarters are ruled by emotion.

Version Two:

The power to read minds. To possess bodies. To travel inside dreams. In the world of Ernid, Spirit is the ultimate power.

Aidah and her twin brother Tavish Dernholt have grown up hidden away from the political maneuverings of mages born and bred to rule. That is about to change. Aidah begins seeing visions through her brother’s eyes. He struggles to control his own powers of light and heat, a Firestarter. But nothing in their experience can prepare them for what is to come.
Nations will go to war over them.

As lightning strikes and enemy forces converge, Aidah and Tavish must flee everything they have ever known. To Landaran, city of the Republic, home of the Protector. To safety.

But will the twins ever be safe from their own powers?


Thoughts?

Hi Judy! I like both, but Version Two is the one that seems to intrigue me a bit more. There seems to be a bit more at stake, a little more adventure and danger involved. However, it depends on the audience you are trying to reach.

My audience is fantasy readers from 14 to adult. I expect this book to have a larger teen and YA appeal that my first one did. (and am marketing my cover accordingly).

Aaaarrgghhh! Tough choice. I like them both.

In that case, any particular passages that really impact you or make you curious?

For they say Spirit Mages are either angels or devils. And Firestarters are ruled by emotion.

I liked number one a lot.

Thanks for your feedback!

I liked the second better. If you go to your blog, I've put a comment and tweaked it a little. I like the para starting 'Two nations fight ....' You may want to incorporate that into the second version.

I had another group here on Goodreads play with the wording, and based on that, I've put together a shorter version of #2:


The power to read minds. To possess bodies. To travel inside dreams. In the world of Ernid, Spirit is the ultimate power.

Aidah and her twin brother Tavish Dernholt have grown up hidden away from the political maneuverings of mages born and bred to rule. That is about to change. They say Spirit Mages are either angels or devils, and Firestarters are ruled by emotion.

Nations will go to war over them.

The last sentence doesn't segue with the rest of the text. 'They say Spirit Mages are either angels or devils....' seems a bit out on a limb. Change it to something about the implications of the twins discovering their power so it connects with 'Nations will go to war'.

I prefer the original version 2. More intrigue. This version is too vague for me. But in the original version 1, I am drawn to the sentences "Twins born of a magical heritage. Aidah controls life and spirit while her brother Tavish controls light and heat; a Firestarter" Sounds like a brilliant story!