Chicks On Lit discussion

Been gone a while. Missed me? I've missed you guys. I'll bet no one even knew I was gone. I've gotten some internet access back, although it is not regular or as unlimited as I'd like (when you're borrowing a connection, you can't overstay your welcome).

I'm in a cranky mood and I need to vent a little.

My desktop died a while back and then my laptop died in middle of May, so my access to the internet is really limited. Goodreads is blocked at work (but not Livejournal, what?). So, no internet, no email, no online bill paying. You never realize how much of your life is on that little hard drive until it dies on you. So, from now on, if it doesn't fit on the external drive or the zip drive, my philosophy will be, I don't need it.

You also never realize how much online social networks fill part of your world until they are suddenly unavailable. Especially if you're like me and live in a quasi small town where you don't exactly fit in and look online for people who are as strange or stranger than you just to prove they do exist.

I have met my crack, thoust name is the world wide web.

In the middle of trying to figure how if I should repair or replace my computers, the A/C unit blows a compressor and my roof has sprung a leak, the vent over the stove stopped working and my microwave died. Can you say, stick a fork in me, I'm done?

Oh, but the bad news isn't done yet.

As some chickies will remember my work related saga with a former BFF type of friend who recently worked for the same company as me.. I had asked for some advise on who to handle the situation..she ended up leaving the company anyway. She was gone and the need to address any tension was gone with her.

I knew from talking to her husband that she has been in and out of the hospital a few times recently. She has been back and forth with the doctors to figure out what was wrong and how to manage it.

In the end, I guess there wasn't anything more to manage. She ended up in hospice and she past away last week. Her memorial service was Saturday. I wasn't sure if I should go or not. I wouldn't put it past her family to get ugly if I turned up, so I didn't go.

Her husband had been gently nudging us to make peace with each other for while. When I ended up at the same company where she worked, he told me it was all the more reason to put everything between us on the table and finally talk it over, even if we weren't going to be as close as we were before.

It's a little hard to wrap my head around. She's a year younger than me. From the time they realized there might been something slightly wrong until she past away was about 3 months. I knew her husband was right and we needed to settle things between us. The only problem was I thought I still had plenty of time, but time had other plans.

I don't feel the grief the way her family does, just because of all the time and issues between us, but I do feel this sense of unfinished business and regret. I should have reached out to her but it was easier to do nothing and think "Que sera, sera."

Now I also get to watch her husband grief. We are casual friends and he has a good support system, but I'd like to do a small something for him. I'm just not sure what yet.

Ah well. Ok.. I'm done venting (atm anyway). Back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Jackie. I did miss you! I had a pretty long break without internet service too. I do know what you are talking about. Alot of times I come on here and just see what everyone else is doing. (lurk) :)
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. My heart goes out to you. It's hard to lose someone no matter how they treated you. If you need to talk I'm here girlie.

Wow Jackie, you certainly have been through some trying times.

As for the death of someone who was once dear and you haven't been able to settle the differences. I have found what works for me is writing her a letter and pour out all your feelings. It is a good step in the healing process but a difficult one to do.

As for the grieving husband. Sometimes what helps is some old pictures and/or some old stories that he hasn't heard (ie something silly you two did before he was in the picture etc.) You could even make a scrapbook for him if you feel inclined, it might help you also.

One thing that I have learned is that in a situation like this, to try to dwell on the good things between the two of you and try to forget the bad. It is another really tough thing to do but will help you in the long run.

We all missed you! And, most importantly we are all here for you. Vent away.

Sorry to hear about what a tough time you've been having. I love Meg's idea about the letter to help solve unresolved differences. The main thing is for you not to feel guilty.

Meg definitely had some good ideas, and I hope you find something that helps. If that something is writing here, then consider us ready to listen!

I really agree with Meg and Teri both...those are great suggestions! I'm so sorry to hear this happened. How shocking and its even more so to you when you weren't sure how to handle the closure of the friendship. I think a letter to her would be hugely beneficial. Pour it all out and then burn it and say a prayer for her. She'll hear you and understand...

Time is the only thing that heals grief. That, and some work at self-acceptance. We do what we can day to day, and some days will be better than others. None of us is perfect. Heck, I don't think I want to know any perfect people, they'd only make me feel inadequate.

Now, as to your computer problems, A/C, microwave . . . sounds like a movie plot.

Jackie, my heart goes out to you. I agree with the advice of the rest of the chicks. I've found solise in letter writing and visualization. Maybe you could meditate on the conversation you wish you could have had and feel some forgiveness. Forgive yourself too.

Hi Jackie,

You're in my thoughts, what a rough road you've been traveling lately! I'm glad you're reaching out to us girls, I've found that it really helps to chat with friends! I think Holli's letter suggestion is great! Writing is very healing and has always been really beneficial to me!

Forgiving yourself is such a difficult thing, but I know you can do it. You will feel so much lighter, your friend would want you to. Get rid of that guilt, and be thankful for the friendship that you shared. Have you ever read Broken Open How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow by Elizabeth Lesser? It is wonderful and it will help you through these trying times!

Take care and take a little time out of every day for you!

Monica

Jackie, Keep your chin up! Things will get better! and I was just wondering about you!!

I've absolutely missed you and noticed you weren't here!

And I am so sorry about what happened to your former bff. I am also sorry for how bad you are feeling about the whole situation. I agree with the writing suggestions, when you're ready, I think it will help you to muddle through this and let yourself off the proverbial hook and to forgive her for what happened between the 2 of you as well. (Forgiving doesn't mean what happened was ok, it means you don't want to live with all the emotions you've kept inside since it happened and want to move on - it's ok to do that).

Thanks for all the suggestions and comfort everyone. It's one reason I love this forum.

Well, the circuit breaker has kicked in as we say in my circle of friends so I'm pretty calm at the moment. I was just having a bad night when I posted this. I'll hopefully be around a bit more soon. I'm hoping to get either my desktop or laptop fixed very soon.

I hope you are able to get one of them fixed soon! I know how lost you must feel without a computer. While we were in Illinois for 2 weeks, I didn't have computer access at my mom's. You don't realize how much you depend on them!

I'm glad you're feeling better.

Glad to see you again, Jackie. We all have good days and bad days, but I'll wish that your really terrible ones are behind you.