Struggling Writers discussion

This is a fight scene that I recently wrote for my current WIP, completing a character's arc--quite differently than I had planned originally. It's not the story's climax, but the fight spans 3 pages--after another 3 pages or so of build-up. I wanted to end the fight a certain way, which meant getting the characters from one point to another. I'm a little concerned, however, that this makes the fight drag on.

So, here it is. What I hope is an epic duel between two telepathic dragons.



Notice do we Erithes' continual reference to the death of Sage Lephazing, your mate, Enthem said. He growled. Following which, you be-stricken with grief.

He fuels your grief and keeps your mind in conflict, Shienphid said.

Vethes snarled and snapped his attention back to his “loyal” acolyte, eyes glaring and jaws parted in a hiss. So, that was the shroud in his mind! This is true?! Erithes returned the hiss and stepped back at his master's anger, ducking his head and spreading his wings. He returned the glare. Vethes roared. Answer!

Erithes hardened his eyes and pushed forward, meeting Vethes' challenge. Vital was it that you remember what the Humans have done! What they will again do if given another chance!

Vethes reared up on his hindlegs and swung his left arm, talons extended. He struck Erithes across his right cheek, sending him off the ledge with a roar. Vethes leaped from the ledge and dove to the floor of the chamber. The memory of my dear mate you used to manipulate me! he exclaimed as he landed and, while his flight cleared to the far side of the chamber, swung to meet Erithes, who had recovered from his fall and now leaped, roaring and with his own talons extended.

Erithes brought down his hindlegs and swung his right arm. Vethes blocked, then blocked the incoming left arm. They remained locked for a moment, narrowed eyes locked. Blood seeped from three red ribbons that stretched from Erithes' right eye down his snout.

The Humans' control on you has re-affirmed itself. As long as they are here, and until all under their influence are destroyed, no one is safe! Erithes ducked his head and pushed with his hindlegs and beat his still-extended wings. Vethes braced himself and extended his own wings again as Erithes rammed his chest, then roared as his former acolyte lifted his head, opening a pair of stinging ribbons in his chest. Vethes fell back and pushed off with his hindlegs while beating his wings, so managing to stay on his feet. He breathed into his fire-lungs and spat. Erithes sprung into flight, avoiding the fireball, and passed over Vethes.

Vethes reached up and swung his right arm, catching the other's left hindleg. Erithes brought down his tail as he fell, striking Vethes across his entire forequarters. Vethes roared the scream from the lesions across his chest while Erithes hit the ground.

Overcoming the pain, Vethes swung on his former acolyte, who already returning to all-fours. Vethes rushed forward and raised his forearms. Erithes raised his. Each took turns swinging their arms, the other blocking or ducking to avoid incoming talons. They fought their way down the tunnel away from the Crystal Chamber.

Vethes pounced and swung his left arm, catching Erithes' neck and re-directing his mouth just as he exhaled. The fireball whooshed over Vethes, skimming his wing. He flinched at the burns and sank his talons into his enemy's flesh. Erithes raised his right arm and hooked his talons around Vethes' left wing arm. He pulled his wings back, but Erithes held on, talons sinking through muscle and membrane. He pushed himself onto his hindlegs, opening a gash in Erithes' left cheek. He went back; his wing went forward, still in the other's grip. Vethes heard an audible snap! and a blinding scream of pain shot through his entire left wing. His wing fell limp, and Erithes finally released his grip, taking chunks of scale and muscle with it. Vethes tried to beat his wings, to ram the traitor, but only the right would move. So, Vethes leaped, forward talons extended. Erithes reared and swung his left arm, striking Vethes' shoulder and sent him head-first into the stone floor. Vethes ducked and rolled.

Erithes pounced. Vethes held his forward talons up and open, and out toward his left. The moment Erithes was coming down over him, Vethes swung both arms out, catching his enemy's belly and throwing him further while rolling himself to the left.

Vethes was back on all-fours and turned to face his opponent, now on the floor, belly-down, forelegs buried beneath him. At once, Vethes leaped again and landed on Erithes' back. He pressed down as hard as he could, digging all four sets of talons into flesh — his forelegs on the other's wing joints, hindlegs on hips. Erithes growled in protest and struggled under the weight, his entire body wiggling, his wings fluttering, his tail swinging in every possible direction. Erithes lifted his head, but Vethes lowered his and closed his jaws around the other's neck until he tasted blood. Erithes wiggled his hindquarters and pushed with the two right legs. Vethes' grip on his hips weakened just enough for Erithes to gain leverage; he roared and pushed.

Vethes released his jaws and attempted to re-tighten his grip. He slipped, his talons tearing up Erithes' shoulders. He fell, his entire weight landing on Erithes' left wing with a snap! that pleased Vethes just enough to dull the pain that shot through his body from his own broken wing.

Vethes rolled back onto his feet and swung to face his enemy. He and Erithes crouched toward each other, eyes narrowed, jaws parted. Both of their left wings now hung loose at their sides. Blood flowed from Erithes' neck, shoulders, face, and hips, but he held his stance. No requests for mercy — not that Vethes would have granted it. His “loyal” acolyte, using the death of his mate to deliberately blind him with grief. The Humans' abandonment and the Norseen attack were infuriating, but Erithes desecrated Lephazing's memory!

A breeze washed over Vethes. He glanced with his left; he was at the tunnel opening. Behind him was a sheer drop to the forest below. Out his right eye, Erithes leaped. Vethes re-focused his attention. He reared and swung his right forearm, sending his opponent over the cliff.

Erithes grabbed the rock shelf with his left claws; Vethes' left forearm with the right. The rock crumbled beneath Erithes' talons; his left talons strengthened their hold, penetrating Vethes' scale. Vethes ignored the stabbing pain that shot up his leg, directing every last bit of strength he had left into his own foreclaws. They slipped, scraping against rock. Vethes swung his tail, striking Erithes along his forequarters. Erithes held his grip. Vethes swung again. Erithes' grip weakened. Vethes struck once more. Erithes lost his grip, but not without taking Vethes' hindquarters with him. Erithes fell with a shrieking cry, leaving Vethes gripping to the shelf with his stiff foreclaws, his strength weakening. Already, his forelegs, talon slashes across both shoulders down to his elbows flowing red, shook under the strain.

Vethes closed his eyes. His heart pounded in his ears, providing a rhythm to the memories that flashed through his mind. Memories him personally ordering the execution of dracfolk under his care — personally leading the attack on Varthikes' lair, endangering pre-hatchlings. His order to execute Ambassador McClance — once friend Audwin — in defiance of the wishes of The Circle. He remembered the grief that dominated Audwin's mind when the Human had answered his summons to meet with The Circle — on the sunrise that Pure Draconia had attacked the colony without authorization. At the time, so consumed had he been with grief and anger over his mate's death that he dismissed what the Human had felt.

Had she survived the attack, his dear Lephazing would certainly have disapproved of what he had done. Vethes took a deep breath and released his grip. The wind roared passed him and, for a moment, he felt weightless. Forgive me, dear Lephazing. Forgive me, friend Audwin. I know, however, more mercy is it than I deserve.

He broke through the forest canopy and collided with the ground beside the shattered body of Erithes.

F.J. wrote: "This is a fight scene that I recently wrote for my current WIP, completing a character's arc--quite differently than I had planned originally. It's not the story's climax, but the fight spans 3 pag..."

Hey FJ! I took a quite look at the entire piece and have one overall thing to say, show instead of tell. You are telling your reader how things are happening, when instead you should be showing them. Don't tell your reader that the talons extended and struck, show them, show how the sharp curved blades slipped out of the scaly flesh to slice an arc of blood through the emerald skin just below the eye.