Writer's Advice and Feedback Group discussion

This is part of the intro of a story I've been working on, could you guys tell me if it's a good attention grabber?

Now let me explain to you a couple of things, most of the time monsters and ghosts aren’t real, but sometimes, they are. When they are, in my case, their called Shades. They’re made from sorrow. There can be different kinds of sorrow, but the kind their made out of is stronger. It can stem from anything, nothing, and everything. If it’s strong enough, it can become it’s own physical being. When the sorrow becomes a Shade, it kills the person who created it, and they trap the soul of the person within them. It then moves and feeds off of other people’s sadness and amplifying it, becoming stronger until when the person can’t take it anymore and off’s themselves. There are many of them. None of us know where they came from, or who created them, but it’s a Carrier’s job to destroy them.

Something else I suppose I should explain is why we’re called Carriers. Every time a Carrier is born, an energy called Exor is born with us. This energy can be crafted into a weapon that they will use to kill the shades. You know how they say too people dealing with bullies to kill them with kindness? Well we kill our’s with happiness. We go around the world looking for new recruits, people like us. On the way we tend to run into Shades who’re hunting whoever we’re looking for. I don’t know how they know who has the Exor or is compatible with it, and who doesn’t, but it’s something we’ve been trying to figure out at HQ. Nothings really been all that helpful. All we can really do is are job, and not die.

I'm not trying to be mean, but the opening is weak. This is my opinion, and someone else may like the way you start this off, but here's what I suggest for an opening with your story:

Try showing your readers an experience while your main character is telling this part of your opening. Describing what a Shade is up to what your character is~use slot of action in your opening, because I think action would work better for an opening for you.

If I offended you I'm truly sorry in advance.

O I wanted to add that your writing is good, some words are used wrongly, but I do that a lot myself. But overall your writing is good~I can hear your voice in it.:)

Emily wrote: "This is part of the intro of a story I've been working on, could you guys tell me if it's a good attention grabber?

Now let me explain to you a couple of things, most of the time monsters and gho..."

Your first sentence could use some work. It's okay, but it could be a lot better.

You have a nice, clear voice. But you could use a grammar refresher. (If you'd like, I can edit these couple of paragraphs for you to show you what I mean by that. It wouldn't take me long as it's so short. ^_^ )

I think you're rushing exposition a little too fast there! I happen to love this sort of thing, honestly- just getting the details out of the way. But you'd be hard-pressed to find too many who agree with this sort of sentiment.

Opening paragraphs are super key, man. ESPECIALLY (!!!) with first person. Reading this, I- Okay, I re-reading this, I realize you say it's not the opening paragraphs, just part of the intro. My point still stands though- as important as this kind of thing is to world you're creating, you can't rely on info-dumps to get things done.

A classic technique I'd recommend is the good ol' spacing it out. Have some sort of action going on that SHOWS what you want to explain, and anything that can't be inference'd (never doubt a reader's ability to read in between the lines!) you can just scatter between the action!

The first paragraph there especially feels like it needs to be cleaned up. You're telling a lot about the story, and that's fine- you are the storyteller here. But the reader needs to experience it, not hear it from a friend.

I'm rambling whoops sorry my apologies UnU