Support for Indie Authors discussion

My first novel is almost a year old, but has finally started to sell a little. As a result of a recent promotion I received 2 reviews, one excellent, the other not so much.

Having a think about it, I have decided that perhaps the blurb doesn't fit the book.

I've had quite a few goes at the blurb, some on my own and more recently with help - but I've never felt great about it (easier to write a 105,000 word novel than a few words of blurb!!). The blurb as is gives the impression of something that is perhaps more of a high tempo adventure deal. The book comes a lot from the perspective of the main male character - he's an anxious man, so everything is very well thought out, he takes his time.

So I've played about again and would welcome thoughts:

Earth is hot, dry and over populated as global warming changes the world. However, there is hope…
A crew of TEN, led by fusion-reactor expert, Rachel Walker, is to explore the Tau Ceti system, and beyond, if necessary.
A latecomer from Texas, Dan Jennings, joins the crew in the search for a new home for mankind. Dan has battled anxiety since relocation from his family’s now bone-dry ranch. However, he decides to take the plunge and travel lights years in an attempt to rediscover his past.
When a twist of fate leaves Rachel struggling to lead the mission, she descends into depression. It is Dan who comes to her rescue, shining a light into Rachel’s well of despair. Slowly forming an unlikely bond, they forge a friendship that overcomes adversity and melds their hearts.
TEN is more than just a Sci-Fi tale of impending doom…it is a story of devotion, courage and the will to embrace the greatest of human emotions…love.
Download TEN, set your sights on the stars and join the crew as they discover new worlds…and themselves.

As a reader I prefer my blurbs short, 2-4 sentences max. If I've gotta hit the "more" button, I'm just skimming over the description you agonized over for countless hours. I really like the last bit: "TEN is more than just a Sci-Fi tale of impending doom…it is a story of devotion, courage and the will to embrace the greatest of human emotions…love.
Download TEN, set your sights on the stars and join the crew as they discover new worlds…and themselves." That's enough to get me to check out a sample.

Personally, I like the new blurb better because it doesn't have a lot of the extra details we don't necessarily need like you have in the current one. However, I don't feel like it changes the perceived tone of the novel - by which I mean, if you're thinking "high tempo adventure deal" with the first one, the second one wouldn't change that thought.

I read the "not so good" review and I don't think having a different blurb would have made a difference. Somebody just didn't care for your book. It's going to happen, and the more you sell, the more it will continue to happen. On the flip side, you'll also get more people that like your book, so the reviews should even each other out. Take a look at any book with a large number of reviews and you'll see everything from 1 to 5 stars, with reviews contradicting one another. As much as we're all alike, we're also all different.

Good luck, and I wish you continued success with your novel!

IMHO you should begin the blurb with an exciting sentence, such as: "The Alliance sends a mission to explore Tau Ceti to find ... " Keep it concise because only 800 characters/spaces of the description appear on Amazon book pages unless the viewer clicks ‘read more.’ If they are intrigued by the blurb, they can ‘look inside’ on Amazon (which I did) to get a better feel for the book.

You might add a subtitle to the Kindle editions because Amazon search pages only show the cover and the title/subtitle, so the subtitle should be a short phrase to catch attention. (CreateSpace will not permit a change in title/subtitle unless you republish with a different title, and then you could include a subtitle.) The subtitle should be a very succinct ‘book line’ because search pages will only display about 110 total characters (including spaces) total for the title/subtitle (even though CreateSpace and Kindle Direct permit longer character strings). Only after a potential buyer clicks on the icon on the search page does the book page even appear with your brief ‘blurb’ description.

The book sounds interesting but the title doesn’t do it justice and other books use the same title, so you might consider changing it. I thought that all of the covers were eye-catching.

Wishing you success with the book

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I was given some good advice about covers and blurbs.

Cover: attracts a reader to read the blurb.
Blurb: entices a reader to read the forward.
Forward: move a reader to take your book to the cashier.

Like a resume cover page, the blurb is more of a lure than a description. Your goal is to create enticing questions that are answered inside.

This is your story but as an example, here's how I might condense your blurb.

"The Alliance sends Rachel Walker to lead a crew of TEN to explore the Tau Ceti system for mankind’s new home. Earth is dying and this mission brings desperate hope…

Dan Jennings joins late but becomes Rachel’s rescuer as they form an unlikely bond. Their friendship overcomes adversity and passion grows.

TEN is more than a Sci-Fi tale of impending doom…it’s devotion, courage, and the will to embrace who we are without pretense."

I hope your book explodes off the shelf. Good luck.

Okay, I will help you think through this. I quite like blurbs (and helping).

My first impression is this: You told me everything that happens in this book. I don't need to ever read it after reading this blurb! ^-^

Okay, let's go through this:

Earth is hot, dry and over populated as global warming changes the world. However, there is hope…

I think at this point it is safe to assume that global warming and its effects are well known. Describing what happens isn't necessary anymore. We don't even need to know the reason why, just tell us 'In the future Earth is dust'.

A crew of TEN, led by fusion-reactor expert, Rachel Walker, is to explore the Tau Ceti system, and beyond, if necessary.

This should be the first line. Perhaps with a 'With the Earth left as only a pile of dust, a crew of TEN is humanity's only hope!'

A latecomer from Texas, Dan Jennings, joins the crew in the search for a new home for mankind. Dan has battled anxiety since relocation from his family’s now bone-dry ranch. However, he decides to take the plunge and travel lights years in an attempt to rediscover his past.

You have a second character introduced here, but you didn't tell us anything about Rachel first.

When a twist of fate leaves Rachel struggling to lead the mission, she descends into depression.

Okay, here is Rachel's info. You can probably skip the 'twist of fate' bit. That is mysterious only for the point of being mysterious. Either tell us outright, or just say she is struggling to lead the mission and is faltering. But why is she? Elaborate a little. Make it interesting.

It is Dan who comes to her rescue, shining a light into Rachel’s well of despair. Slowly forming an unlikely bond, they forge a friendship that overcomes adversity and melds their hearts.

Is this a Romance? If it isn't then honestly, you might not even need Dan in the description. Unless he is the main character, then you can probably skip Rachel.

TEN is more than just a Sci-Fi tale of impending doom…it is a story of devotion, courage and the will to embrace the greatest of human emotions…love.

I honestly think this would be better if it was just telling us this is could be a tale of impending doom. That is a big exciting something in itself! You could say 'what will possibly save us: devotion. courage! love?

Download TEN, set your sights on the stars and join the crew as they discover new worlds…and themselves.

You lost me here. Then made me giggle and want to come back, but for the wrong reasons.

Lost me: telling me to buy this. I want to decide that for myself. I find it more than off-putting. Let me decide by enticing me, not telling me! That's the fun of buying things.

*Giggled*: a journey of discovering themselves?! This sounds like they are going to other planets to learn how to masturbate. While that is in itself is a book that I would probably seriously consider buying, it isn't the intent you want I bet.

Good luck! I hope this helps.
Remember, keep it punchy! Make me interested in the story with a hint of what is inside. :)

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. Lots to think on and will be taking the discovering themselves bit out for sure!

Hi Paul,

I'm not sure that your rewrite is much different from your current blurb. Both give me the impression that it is mostly about two people and their relationship - perhaps a love story.

I'm a big sci-fi fan, and neither blurb would entice me. Is it mostly about the trip on the spaceship, and love and disasters happen along the way? Is it mostly about what they find on another planet (not sure what the eyes on your cover mean), and again love takes hold?

I guess I'm saying you need to have the blurb match who you think would like your book. If a love story, amplify that. If it is for sci-fi fans, add more of that to the blurb.

For example, look at Baxter's Ark and how that is described.

Thanks again to all. Have drafted this out - thoughts welcome:

With Earth fast becoming dust, a crew of TEN sets out to explore beyond the solar system for the first time.
Former Texas rancher, Dan Jennings, gets an unexpected chance to join the mission. An anxious man, he needs mission leader Rachel Walker to help him cut through his muddled thoughts and grasp the opportunity.
So when Rachel is injured on a distant planet and left struggling to walk, Dan has the chance to return the favor. He tries to heal her, bit by bit, in body and in mind.
So far from home, can they find one together?

Much better! Punchy and it evokes much more mystery now!
I really like it now.

I don't understand the last sentence hook though. It may need a rewording. :)

Oh, never mind. I just got the last line! :D

Yes, I agree. Much better!

Great improvement! This should work.

Much better. This seems like a tale of courage and strong friendship in a space invironment. Did I get this right?

G.G. wrote: "Much better. This seems like a tale of courage and strong friendship in a space invironment. Did I get this right?"

Yes, you did. Job done then! Thanks again to all for the help!

The last rewrite was good! Much more interesting than what I first read. The first one I read sounded kind of boring because it seemed like a story centered on a relationship and not a lot of action going on. The rewrite makes it seem like the relationship is there, but things are going on.

I like your rewrite much better. You've left out some of the details that are unnecessary, however, for me you've giving a little too much detail on one part: "So when Rachel is injured on a distant planet and left struggling to walk"
I'm going to guess that this takes place in some sort of action sequence in your book. Having put this in your blurb, the reader knows exactly what will happen.

Paul, the revision is much better, but the blurb could be tighter and needs to close in a way that lets readers know more precisely what the book is about. I suggest:

With Earth fast becoming dust, a crew of TEN sets out to explore beyond the solar system.

Dan Jennings, an anxious man, needs mission leader Rachel Walker to help him cut through his muddled thoughts and grasp an unexpected chance to join the mission.

When Rachel is injured on a distant planet, Dan gets the chance to repay the help she gave him.

TEN is more than just a Sci-Fi tale of impending doom. It's a story of devotion, courage and the will to embrace the greatest of human emotions…love.

I have no idea if what I'm about to share is okay in this group. If it's not, then let me know. I just like to share useful info when I find it. There's a Facebook group similar to this one and led by Bryan Cohen (Sell More Books Show podcast.) He knows a ton about copy writing and has a cheat sheet. I found the cheat sheet REALLY helpful. Amy Porterfield is another good one for copy writing tips and FB ads. Last week I came across two really cool tools for creating books trailers: Animoto and Tawe. So, when you create your blurb, then you can go play with these tools.

Paul wrote: "My first novel is almost a year old, but has finally started to sell a little. As a result of a recent promotion I received 2 reviews, one excellent, the other not so much.

Having a think about it..."

Hi Paul:
I know what you mean. After I wrote The Duck Springs Affair, I was unable to come up with a good blurb because I was too close to the material.
I didn't get a good one until I persuaded my editor to write one. For a good blurb, I recommend getting a personal to write it who is as far removed from the material as possible.
Hope that helps!!
John