Support for Indie Authors discussion

It has been recently brought to my attention that an old blurb is in need of a face-lift. I am endeavoring to rebuild my entire cover (and perhaps change a few aspects to make the story more readable). I suppose this is the first phase.
The book in question is .
The nice thing about this opportunity is that now I have a small pool of helpful reviews to draw from, and some in this group have actually read the book. I want this blurb to, of course, be concise, and not to spoil the arc for my readers.
Here is the current blurb:

All of her life, Jendra has dreamed of finding paradise. In her heart, she knows that paradise is real, and she will continue searching until she finds it.

One fateful day, the usually agile girl trips in the darkness of an abandoned alleyway.

To her surprise, she discovers an alien body. And the alien is still breathing.

This chance encounter sets the course for an incredible adventure that just might lead Jendra to paradise.


Let's isolate some details:
What is Paradise to Jendra?
Jendra's mother died eleven years earlier, her father left ten years ago, and Jendra has essentially been searching every corner of the cave in search of him, or at the very least, a clue about what happened to him.
Jendra lives in an underground city, and even early on, there is a notion that outside the city there are monsters skulking about the caves, though Jendra believes these are merely fictitious.
In addition to Jendra, the other major players are Leon, Jendra's best friend who is also a doctor's apprentice, and Toby, Leon's young cousin who is a mechanic and a deviant who believes he may be a pirate someday.
To accomplish their objective, they need to leave the city, something which is forbidden.
They are under the impression that an herb called a bell flower is necessary to cure the poisoned alien before time runs out for her.

What other details do I need? Can we build from here?

FIRST ATTEMPT:
Shortly after Jendra’s mother’s death, her father vanished mysteriously. Ten years later, 17-year-old Jendra feels like an outcast. The underground city of Tranoudor is her prison. Though the city’s crotchety old Doctor Hedgewik took her in, she’s never really felt at home. The city’s one saving grace is her best friend Leon, the Doctor’s star pupil, who follows her as she searches the forgotten corners of the city. When, while exploring an old alley, Jendra and Leon happen upon an alien, poisoned and clinging to life, they race to rescue her. But doing so will not be easy. They must leave the city behind, and doing so is strictly forbidden, for a very good reason. Stories are told of dangerous monsters that prowl about the dark caves. Accompanied by Leon’s devious cousin Toby, Leon and Jendra journey into the vast unknown on a death-defying mission. Before long the life they must rescue could be their own.

I know the cover isn't the first phase, but that is what I am helping with! :)

It is a very small picture of the cover to try to judge, but in that I think it can help demonstrate what could be improved upon. :)

Your book title isn't legible at all. In an Amazon list, or in collection of books, readers will not even be able to see what your book is called. Some contrast would go a long way to help the title.

I looked at the larger version, and only then could I understand the artwork. In the small version it does look more like a man with a mustache and glasses looking through the keyhole. This would be the wrong impression, given who the book is supposed to appeal to. Zooming in on that cute art would certainly help clarity! It would also remove black space, which personally I think there is too much of.

With just a few moments of work, I think this cover could be greatly improved! It does have charm, you just need to show that.

I saw the same issues, C.B. I was going to get there. :D And believe me, when it's time for critiquing this time, I'm totally going to need your input.

As for the blurb, (I decided to help a bit there as well) I think this may be the first time I have given this advice... I think there needs to be more of it. You have all the pieces already in your ideas.

I think it might also be beneficial to put this in a more active tense, so the reader feels like they are there during the blurb.

The first paragraph could do with some setting and context. Why does she dream of this, well the monsters outside could be a great reason.

A combining the second and third paragraphs would be useful. That should really be one sentence. ie.

When the usually agile girl trips in the darkness of an abandoned alleyway she is surprised to discover an alien. The alien is still breathing, but only barely.

Can this chance encounter set the course for an incredible adventure that just might lead Jendra to paradise?

"When the usually agile girl trips in the darkness of an abandoned alleyway she is surprised to discover an alien. The alien is still breathing, but only barely."

Like that... But to increase the mystery and curiosity I think the last paragraph could be:

Can this chance encounter set the course for an incredible adventure that would lead Jendra to paradise, or (something that threatens her... Her death? Her end? Something that's NOT GOOD)

Sorry for that vague one.. My brain is fried after a day of hard work...

Danielle wrote: ""When the usually agile girl trips in the darkness of an abandoned alleyway she is surprised to discover an alien. The alien is still breathing, but only barely."

Like that... But to increase the ..."

Giving it a try...but writing on an iPad is nothing like writing in words.

When the usually agile girl trips in the darkness of an abandoned alleyway, she is surprised to discover an alien. He (or she? ) is barely alive.
Can Jendra and her friends save him/her.? To do so, they will need to leave the city, something which is forbidden because it is said that Monsters are skulking about.
Follow the group as they journey into the unknown where the life needed saving might turn out to be their own.

Here is what I have so far for the update. Of course the blurb itself is still very adjustable.
Use your zoom in tool for a close-up.

The cave in the background is actually a recolored version of a real cave in Arizona that I have been oogling over for just short of forever, and I can't imagine not taking advantage of this opportunity to work with some of the breathtaking photography. (Of course, I am still very new to graphic design. The cave is in Antelope Canyon, fyi.)

The Blurb says:
Shortly after Jendra’s mother died, her father vanished mysteriously.
Ten years later, 17-year-old Jendra feels like an outcast. The underground city of Tranoudor is her prison. Though the city’s crotchety old doctor Grisham Hedgewik took her in, she’s never really felt at home.
The city’s one saving grace is her best friend Leon, the Doctor’s star pupil, who follows her as she searches the forgotten corners of the city. Hoping against hope to find her father. To discover why he disappeared.
While exploring an old alley, Jendra and Leon stumble upon an alien, severely poisoned and barely clinging to life. They race to rescue her, but doing so will not be easy. They must leave Tranoudor City behind. And dangerous monsters are said to prowl about the dark caves.
Joined by Leon’s devious, tech-savvy cousin Toby, Leon and Jendra journey into the vast unknown on a death-defying mission. But before long the life they fight for could be their own.

You might also notice that the blurb will be off-center on the book cover. This is because CS places a bar code on the bottom left side.

And a final note for now: I'm kicking around some new tag-lines, since the original didn't have one. I could do without. Or, I was thinking...
"A single instant can change the course of a life forever." (Though that may be overly used.)
I've also thought of "Who will you be when it matters most?"
I'm not sure about using the 2nd person here.
If anyone has tag-line suggestions for me, I'd be very thankful for some ideas.

I like it. Good color choice too, seems to stand out a bit more.

Thanks, Riley.

I wouldn't use the second person POV unless you use it in the book. Some people are 'repulsed' by it. They feel it's jarring. Seeing that as a tag line might make them believe it's in the book too.
(Don't take me wrong. I, personally, have nothing against it.)

Thanks for your comment, G.G.
I've also been thinking of a tag-line about breaking free from a prison of life. Not sure if there's anything in that.

Tranoudor City is a prison.
Jendra's about to break free.

I tend to work in quick bursts.
I wanted to see what that last one would look like.

Yes to the tagline. I like it- it's something that would pull me toward a book, even if the blurb is vague or has me on the fence.

Thanks, Rebecca.

I like both tag line. The one you wrote in the post and the one on the bac cover with a preference to the one on the cover.

Awesome. Thanks, G.G. I'm glad the decision to overhaul this book is going well. So far I've read through the first 2 chapters, and I'm giving the old story a 2 out of 5. (Although, I could probably be overly critical at this point. In any rate, it's true that giving some space between myself and the project has really paid off. I'm liking some of the new discoveries.)