Support for Indie Authors discussion

Ok so im new to the whole forum thing, but this is kind of an awesome tool.

Basically, for reasons unknown to me i just cant seem to make a decent blurb. i've literally gone through like 50 iterations...

here's the latest... i would love some thoughts, and be as cruel as you like!!! i like honesty :)

200 years in the future, after the technological revolution has come and gone, the solar system is stagnant, reveling in its legacy. Wealth inequality has become genetic inequality, from generations of expensive genetic engineering and pruning, giving rise to a master race all but in name.

Technological and engineering marvels, AI hidden from the world, and rumors from the Oort paint an intriguing universe for the exorbitant characters that explore politics, ethics, long life, and what it means to be human in a world where synthesis has begun.

The Rise of Ares is the first installment in the realistic, character driven, saga.

"A fresh, thought provoking, yet terrifyingly believable future. The universe Serge creates is both a backdrop for the roller coaster storyline, and an eye opening commentary on humanity: not only of our struggle with existence, but with our technology, forms of economy and governance, and even equality. It’s what you’d imagine if H.G.Wells, Isaac Asimov, and Ayn Rand were alive today and collaborated.”
-JH

Interesting, but it feels a bit flat. Try running it through a headline analyzer such as http://coschedule.com/headline-analyzer.
I really advocate those things, as they help you find a nice balance of word types for your blurbs.

Honestly, it sounds more like a review than a blurb. Start with the W's: who, what, where, when, why (and how). Who is the book about? What are their circumstances? You've got an idea of the when and the where, so the last part is to answer "why should we care"; in other words, what's the protagonist expected to do, and what are the potential consequences if they fail?

Oh yea, and you have to explain all that without spoilers. It's definitely not easy, but to get started, try adding in the Who first. Who are you writing about, and what's their story in two sentences or so?

Folks here should be able to help you build a good blurb step by step, just fill in the blanks of those 5 W's.

V.M. wrote: "Welcome Serge,

It certainly sounds like you have quite a corker of a tale there. However, from the looks of it, what we have above is alot of background information.

That's neat, but a blurb requ..."

Thats why im struggling... Every time i try to do that, it takes away from the tone of the book

Thanx guys. Part of the reason its hard to get the who, and therefore move on from there, is because there are kind of many characters...

But i will follow yall's advice and post a new one once i get my s*** together

If there's a lot of characters, that's fine, but they are all moving toward some common goal or conclusion, right? Is there a way to round them all up? Are they the "dregs" that don't have the genetic privilege? If so, start there.

ok so hows this?

Born into a world where long life and any dream can be a command, Ares doesn’t have any of it. The solar system has become stagnant and corrupt in the post-technological revolution. As he tries to even the odds against the Rachten, people wealthy enough to afford genetic manipulation, Ares becomes mired in debt.

But there is nowhere to hide in a universe where everything is an eye.

Still, he tries to escape his doom, for the Bank always gets its dues. His flight takes him on a journey of impossible AI hidden from the world, rumors from the Oort, and technological surprises.

However, he soon discovers there is more to the events in his life than he ever realized. That realization, that he is a pawn in a game he can’t even fathom, sends him spiraling down a dark, destructive path.

Much better. Now it just needs some polish. I'll check back in a little bit when I get home from work, and see what input others care to throw in.

I'm with Joe, a better sense of where the stories going, and a greater sense of what the book is about. He says polish, but I'm one for rough edges. It all comes down to personal preference when you get down to it.

Try beginning your blurb with this formula:

When [INCITING INCIDENT OCCURS], a [SPECIFIC PROTAGONIST] must [OBJECTIVE], or else [STAKES].

All it really needs is a little reorganization and maybe a couple of pieces of brief exposition. Using your latest as the template, I tried this:

~~~~~

The solar system has become stagnant and corrupt in the post-technological revolution. Long life and any dream can be had for a price, but Ares doesn’t have any of it. As he tries to even the odds against the Rachten - people wealthy enough to afford genetic manipulation - Ares becomes mired in debt.

He tries to escape his doom, but there is nowhere to hide in a universe where everything is an eye. The Bank always gets its dues. His flight will take him on a journey through impossible AI hidden from the world, rumors from the Oort [expand on this in a short phrase if possible], and technological surprises [maybe replace with "wonders" or "advances," depending on what they are; surprises reads as slightly generic, though that's just IMO. Go with what works for you, you know your story better than I do].

However, soon he will discover there is more to the events in his life than he ever realized. That realization - that he is a pawn in a game he can’t even fathom - will send him spiraling down a dark, destructive path [Ok, but a hint of what's at the end of the path if you can without spoiling. If you can end with a question, that's usually a good hook, if you want to give it a try].

so heres what i have now, before i read ur last msg joe

Born into a world where long life and any dream can be a command, Ares doesn’t have any of it. The solar system has become stagnant and corrupt in the post-technological revolution. As he tries to even the odds against the Rachten--those wealthy enough to afford genetic manipulation--Ares becomes mired in debt.

But there is nowhere to hide in a universe where everything, and everyone, is an eye.

Still, he tries to escape the Bank; which always gets its dues. His flight takes him on a journey across a solar system on the verge of change, plagued by dissonance (despite the shiny veneer of the inner system), technological surprises, and strange rumors from the Oort. Ares quickly becomes entangled with something hidden from the world: an impossible AI.

However, he soon discovers there is more to events in his life than he ever realized. That realization, that he is a pawn in a game he can’t even fathom, sends him spiraling down a slow, dark, madness.

thanks for the input everyone!

i really appreciate it

I think your final blurb should include a tidbit of the technological info you had in your first post. Only a sentence or two to set the stage for the world. I like the edits you've made since, but I'd like to see that included too.

like, instead of technological surprises, say technological and engineering marvels?

First: this sounds like a book I want to read!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your blurb sells it to me, but seems to suffer redundancy.

PLEASE FORGIVE THE ARROGANCE IN MY SUGGESTED REDRAFT BELOW. Shoot me down if you don’t like it.


Ares is born into a world where genetic technology can deliver long life and almost any conceivable dream, but only for the privileged Rachten. For him, acesss to this technology has left him mired in debt, in a corrupt banking system.

His attempt at flight takes him on a journey across a dissonant solar system on the verge of political/economic/social collapse, yet full of technological wonders, strange rumours and a shocking secret.

But there is nowhere to hide in a universe where everything, and everyone, is an eye.

How will he cope when he discovers there is more to events in his life than he ever realized and that he is nothing more than a pawn in a game he can’t even begin to fathom?

PS. To whoever it was and all on this thread:

My deepest apologies. I accidently deleted a comment. My MOD powers misfired!

They don't extend to "undelete."

Please repost.

Oh dear. Think that was mine, but I'm struggling to remember exactly what I said.

I know it was that the first sentence was confusing - "Born into a world where long life and any dream can be a command, Ares doesn’t have any of it. "

Because long life and a dream can't be a command, and there was no subject relating to "it".

I did suggest what I thought it might mean, but can't remember exactly how I worded that. Your suggested rewrite probably covers it.

I'm very sorry, Pam. It was a total accident on my part. There was nothing wrong with the post.

OK Anthony, I tried looking on my feed but it only had my previous three posts. Just one of those things.

ooh sounds interesting :3

Pam wrote: "OK Anthony, I tried looking on my feed but it only had my previous three posts. Just one of those things."

That's MOD power! What we delete, stays deleted, even on your personal feed and every friend feed. It's as if it never happened!!

Mwah ha ha... ha, ha, ha! (Maniacal laughter fades right).

Oh, sorry Pam! I don't know what came over me.

Anthony wrote: "Pam wrote: "OK Anthony, I tried looking on my feed but it only had my previous three posts. Just one of those things."

That's MOD power! What we delete, stays deleted, even on your personal feed a..."

Absolute power corrupts absolutely.

With power comes great responsibility, Peter Parker.