Support for Indie Authors discussion

Hi! I would love feedback on my blurb, like if it's enticing enough to get you to read. It is a YA sci fi mystery thriller.

Here is the blurb:
HOPE was supposed to be humanity's refuge from the dangers of the world outside...but what is Avalon trapped with inside?

Avalon Adams and 5000 highly selected individuals were chosen for survival by entering cryochambers within a man-made habitat in order to survive an extinction level asteroid. Not long after awaking from cryosleep, Avalon Adams discovers that all is not as it seems, and if she is right, every life could be in terrible danger

Thanks in advance!

HOPE was to be humanity's refuge from the outside dangers of the world. But what had been trapped inside with Avalon?

W. wrote: "HOPE was to be humanity's refuge from the outside dangers of the world. But what had been trapped inside with Avalon?"

I apologize. In my sleepiness, I left half of the blurb off! But it is corrected now. Thank you for your assistance, but I think YA readers may prefer present tense.

I was more thinking in terms of, would YOU buy a book like this? Like does the blurb's impression make you think "I wanna buy this!"

Thanks!

It's a little too vague. It tells us of dangers but it's too vague to impose any sense of actual peril.

They've awakened from cryostasis after an asteroid has wiped most, if not all life from the face of the Earth. I understand that Avalon Adams has awoken with 5000 other individuals. But I cannot imagine what the danger could be? Is there a mad traitor on the inside? Is the refuge itself threatening them due to some technical or mechanical oversight?

Ambiguity is fantastic to a point. But too much can leave people assuming that the plot is far too generic to draw interest. Which I'm certain it isn't.

I'd also change "highly selected" to something like "carefully selected" or "carefully chosen".

e.g: "Avalon Adams and 5000 carefully chosen individuals awake from cryosleep after a devastating asteroid impact wipes all life from the planet..."

Narayan wrote: "It's a little too vague. It tells us of dangers but it's too vague to impose any sense of actual peril.

They've awakened from cryostasis after an asteroid has wiped most, if not all life from the ..."

I agree and I will include a bit more info on the dangers and also the words "highly selected" to "carefully selected".

Thanks!

You might want to tell us what HOPE is right away. I was confused at first, but later got it to mean a community of some type. I would lead with however you termed it in your book. This is just an example.

"The city of HOPE was meant to be humanity's last refuge from the dangers of the outside world."

Jon wrote: "You might want to tell us what HOPE is right away. I was confused at first, but later got it to mean a community of some type. I would lead with however you termed it in your book. This is just an ..."

Thank you Jon! I have changed it to say HOPE habitat so people understand it is a community. It is actually like a walled in colony like Hugh Howeys Wool.

I recommend you have a look at this: http://www.deanwesleysmith.com/how-to...

E.g. the basic blurb pattern:
"
(Paragraph one)… Character or world summary. Interesting. And nails genre if possible.
(Paragraph two)… One very short paragraph with short sentences about the first page of the plot.
(Paragraph three)… Plot kicker line.
(Paragraph four)… Why readers will want to read the story (mostly using tags)
"

For example:
HOPE is humanity's refuge from an extinction level asteroid.
Avalon Adams and 5000 selected individuals were chosen for survival by entering cryochambers within a man-made habitat. But not long after awaking from cyrosleep, Avalon discovers that not all is as it seems, and every life appears to be in terrible danger.

For my book, I did not use paragraph four, and I have been receiving only positive responses so far - but by any means I'm no expert.
I also feel like paragraph 3 could use some more hooks. :)

I tried to incorporate many of the ideas presented. I hope this sounds better:

At first, HOPE (Humanity's One Plan for Escape) habitat appears to be a well-oiled machine, preparing 5,000 carefully chosen inhabitants for a new Earth. However, a medical assistant named Ilium reveals that certain members of the habitat have been falling ill from a mysterious virus they were innoculated from. Soon, HOPE habitats tranquil illusion is shattered as Avalon plays a perplexing message left by her father. If Avalon is to survive this dangerous new environment , she will have to find the strength to navigate a habitat enveloped in secrets.

I think you need to foreground Avalon in the first line. Focus on how she is one of the 5,000 carefully chosen inhabitants to survive the ***degradation of the Earth or whatever it is*** as an inhabitant of HOPE.

There's also a grammar problem as strictly speaking they would be 'falling ill with a virus that they have been innoculated against', no trailing 'from'. Also, if they've been innoculated, the virus isn't a mystery; it has to be known to have developed the vaccine.

Also HOPE habitats needs an apostrophe - HOPE habitat's tranquil illusion

Hope (no pun intended) that doesn't sound too picky.

Pam wrote: "I think you need to foreground Avalon in the first line. Focus on how she is one of the 5,000 carefully chosen inhabitants to survive the ***degradation of the Earth or whatever it is*** as an inha..."

Thank you for your suggestions. I was aware that I ended the sentence on a preposition, but I could not think of another way to end it. Against is technically a preposition as well, but it does stick out less :). I will be changing the blurb to include your suggestions.

Thanks! Those were only non perfect suggestions, it was just the 'from' that jumped out. It should really have been 'falling ill with a virus against which they have been innoculated', I know!