Support for Indie Authors discussion

Hello everyone, I'd really value input on the draft blurb for the 3rd in my series - I'm bad at back text, so all comments welcomed.

A new civilisation. An opportunity for Corina’s rebels. And a mission for Wildcat Cortia...
The Federated Planets Alliance scouts have discovered a new human world; a civilisation, in their words, not suited to their usual protocol. They want a Cortiian to test the waters, and the rebels on Corina have a very specific commander in mind for the mission – Ilan of Wildcat.
To Ilan, the orders are a joke, but a joke that will keep her, and Wildcat Cortia, away from Corina Base and safe from all of their allies and enemies for a little longer. To an ancient feudal culture on the fringes of civilisation, the leaping cat and a rider all in black are symbols long foretold - of cataclysmic change.

You could move the mystery of the leaping cat to the top since that is the driver of this book--and it is a compelling mystery at that. You'd also want to work in that the leaping cat is part of this new civilization alluded to at the beginning. So basically combine it w/the first paragraph. As it stands, they're too far removed from each other to support one other.

Then you could launch into commander Ilan and what it means to her. I'm not sure whether the internal intrigue is needed...

Series usually have some kind of plug about their main characters and universe after the current book's blurb. I think the 1-para sum for the first book was pretty good. The one that states that the cortisol are mercenaries. I like this phrase that ends that para:

"Every government uses them; no single government can destroy them."

Although i might be a little overdramatic--sometimes that helps in a blurb:

"No government can live without them; none can destroy them"

A kind of kzin! The blurb was good enough to get me to go to your profile, then your website, then Amazon to add the 2 ebooks to my wish list.

My first question would be: How much familiarity with the previous books does this blurb assume? Having none myself, it feels like there is either too much info being presented or not enough. But if the target is mainly people who have read the other books, things could well fall into place better.

I do tend to agree that the last line (the leaping cat) could be moved earlier: it strikes me as coming out of the blue where it is, and does take some effort to connect it with the newly discovered world mentioned earlier.

Other that, there appear to be a couple of opportunities for tightening: "a civilization, in their words, " does not seem necessary, either "world" or "civilization" might suffice; and "their allies and enemies" might be a bit distracting. It seems to imply "allies" is to be taken in a special sense here (allies that are a threat and thus not strictly allies), maybe that is an elaboration that isn't needed?

Hope I'm not too far off base here.

Wisteria wrote: "You could move the mystery of the leaping cat to the top since that is the driver of this book--and it is a compelling mystery at that. You'd also want to work in that the leaping cat is part of th..."

Hi Wisteria, thank you very much for looking this over - and for being interested in the other books in the series! Definitely food for thought, and I can absolutely bring that line in from the previous blurb (confession, I like it too :)) Kind of cries out for a dramatic theme tune ...

I'm going to play with this tonight and try to shift things around and tighten things up. I really, really appreciate the feedback.

Owen wrote: "My first question would be: How much familiarity with the previous books does this blurb assume? Having none myself, it feels like there is either too much info being presented or not enough. But i..."

Hello Owen, to answer your question, while I hope (of course :)) that everyone's read and loved the first two in the series, I aim to have all the books able to stand alone, so no familiarity should be required. The fresh set of eyes look is always incredibly useful - thank you so much for taking the time to read this over and leaving your feedback. I'm going to redraft this tonight and put your and Wisteria's input to good use.

J.C. wrote: "Owen wrote: "My first question would be: How much familiarity with the previous books does this blurb assume? Having none myself, it feels like there is either too much info being presented or not ..."

We write a series and this issue dogs us with every blurb. As our story gets more involved, trying to make a blurb comprehensible to readers who are not familiar with the overall arc got more and more cumbersome. So, frankly, we gave up. Our theory -- not necessarily a good one, mind you -- is that is wasn't worth "cluttering" the blurb with things our readers (as opposed to new readers) already new.

There is one (possible) saving grace here. If the blurb is intriguing but not terribly clear to a new reader, your other previous books are just a click away. The new reader will know it's a series, and that they are jumping in the middle, so if they are interested, they can read the blurbs of your previous books, which will help get them up to speed.

Now whether readers actually do that, I can't say. But your books are pretty much in the same genre as ours, and I think our readers tend to do that, so yours might too. And our sales pattern suggests readers don't jump in the middle all that much. It seems that if they get interested in any book, they go back and buy the first book. (Admittedly the data are hazy and that's more of a hunch than anything.)

So for us, making the blurb enticing trumps making it "clear" to the unfamiliar. And we aren't "above" asking our readers what they think via our website, either. Some readers really like it when an author of a book they like asks for that kind of input.

So, with heartfelt thanks to both of you for taking the time to troubleshoot, I've tightened and clarified, and added that ba-boom-tish teaser line from Fighting Shadows introducing the Cortii - and made the deadline for my cover artist :)

Thank you very much indeed.

J.C. wrote: "So, with heartfelt thanks to both of you for taking the time to troubleshoot, I've tightened and clarified, and added that ba-boom-tish teaser line from Fighting Shadows introducing the Cortii - an..."

Wishing you every success! : )