Dont Be Shy™ discussion

Hi there, I'm Ocean! I'm not going to introduce myself fully yet - that's secondary. I just want to express my feelings first, I've bottled it up long enough, I think writing is the best way to show how I feel.

This journal isn't the standard utopia, which by definition means paradise. Utopia just struck me, because it seemed to paradoxical as to the contents in my journal. My journal is by no means butterflies and rainbow unicorns, simply because my life isn't as colourful as that. I'm the kind that smiles on the outside, and helps with everyone but I think I'm filled with darkness on the inside. Too many tendrils of darkness inside, such that sometimes I just break down and cry alone. It's getting worse this year, especially at the beginning where my 'friend' simply cast me out of her life after all we had been through together.

I know, it's the part and parcel of life, to lose people and to gain others but it's difficult for me because I have always been on good terms with others. She told me I had changed, but I know damn well I didn't - especially with my other friends as well, they told me I didn't. Perhaps they were lying, but what would they gain from that? I'm not really sure. It was all so sudden my heart just went crack. It was already dark to begin with, with all my family problems and pressure from school - all the anxiety built up inside me. But when she literally ignored me without even giving me a chance to explain, it was just too much to take.

I considered self-harming, like what I did last year, but I knew that it wouldn't solve my problems. I don't know what to do... especially with the added pressure from my club activities, it's so overwhelming. I'm struggling with school work, drowning in problems and I feel as if I'm slowly taken away by darkness. I harbour dark thoughts about people who offend me, I don't really think about the consequences whenever I say something.

I'm worried for myself, but I'm really not sure what to do.

Ocean

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Hi, I'm Ocean!
I'm a high-school/secondary school student, and I'm currently trying to survive each day. I saw this quote on the internet -- "I don't wake up to live, I wake up to survive." Damn bloody true.
I'm a heterosexual female, and I'm not confident about myself at all. I stand at 163cm, at 56kg, with when converted to BMI is average for a girl my age. However, people say things about me. Whispers constantly haunt me, even when I'm not with those people. That I'm fat, that I shouldn't even be excused from the weight-lost club in school. It's painful to hear, but I don't mention it, I'm not that brave. I'm not brave at all.

I live in Singapore, a small country with big dreams in South-East Asia therefore my timezone is going to be very different from most of you more often than not [GMT+8]. I don't have many true friends surrounding me, and it's difficult because it just says a lot about how I socialise. I have no idea what I did to make myself so damn pathetic. I have no idea what happened, back when I was in middle school, things like that don't happen. Society evolves so much its fucked-up, so fucked-up that they judge everything everyone does, not even sparing a thought for the victim. That's not fair.

It isn't.

It's technically 12 Feb 2016 already, the day of my Debate competition. Heck, it's been a weird and tiring week, and as usual my emotions are always in a whirl wind and when we finally come to the end, I'm presented with a competition I'm not even sure my team is going to win. My confidence is dwindling, I don't think we can do this. I'm so afraid right now, what if my fears consume me even before I can go up to speak? What if I am the factor that causes my team to lose?

I'm always the one... the villain, the antagonist in this story of fire and ashes. In this story whereby the victim becomes the perpetrator.

Ocean