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All About Love
Mar—All About Love (2016)
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A Love To-Do List
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Quote from Martin -Know the definition of love. Love is a committed, intense engagement of shared activities that leads to mutual improvement.
end quote.
This definition proves that I have never been truly loved by anyone I have dated. And, I would dare say, that I rarely had this from my family as well - with the exception of my sister and her nephew, where this is a lot less rare. I have a friend who I talk to online, who has shown me love - friend to friend. He is Gay and I love him and his partner as partners.
I finally did get the book and am still reading it, but spoilers do not bother me any. So far, I think this book will help me in the short run and in the long run in so many ways, that I can not even begin to elaborate.
Kytriya wrote: "Quote from Martin -Know the definition of love. Love is a committed, intense engagement of shared activities that leads to mutual improvement.
end quote.
This definition proves that I have never ..."
All I can say to that is sometimes our chosen family (friends) is the real family, as opposed to the people we happen to share DNA with.
The way I see it, family are people who accept our flaws and who lift us up when we need it, who have our back and don't stab us with daggers instead of protecting us from them.
DNA doesn't equal loyalty and love, but those can come in many shapes and sizes, and to force (others to accept) the core family unit of man, woman and child onto all others is misguided.
OP, nice post.
Something I just recently ran into that reminded me of the book and I wanted to share with this community. https://www.ted.com/talks/shonda_rhim...
Aglaea wrote: "Kytriya wrote: "Quote from Martin -Know the definition of love. Love is a committed, intense engagement of shared activities that leads to mutual improvement.
end quote.
This definition proves th..."
dna definitely doesn't equal loyalty and love, acceptance and kindness. i have grown away from most of my biological family because of this, and have found real love with people of my own choosing. and, finally, after so many years of chasing it among those related to me by blood, it feels good to be truly loved in both word and deed.
The following is a love to do list based on bell’s book, and I hope you find it helpful:
Know the definition of love. Love is a committed, intense engagement of shared activities that leads to mutual improvement.
Sometimes knowing the opposite of a thing clarifies its definition. What is the opposite of love? Hate. Hate involves turbulence, rejecting, and destroying. So love involves calmness, accepting, and creating/building up/helping the other person grow. Where does romantic passion and excitement fit in a loving relationship? Accept and leverage these honest emotions and feelings to fuel the loving actions that create and maintain a lifelong soul connection.
Know the dimensions of love. Accept and embrace, but know when someone crosses a line. Know boundaries – know when you’re in an abusive relationship and take action to create distance so you can establish a new loving home/positive environment. Bell: “Love and abuse cannot coexist.”
End the mourning and grief about the past. Discover the wisdom of the wounds.
Reveal your authentic self to establish a soul connection with your lover.
Establish a healthy self-image and self-esteem by improving your ability to self-recover and improve. I read idea cards in the morning – blank business cards that I write on. One of my idea cards involves the quote from Nathaniel Branden’s Six Pillars of Self-Esteem that bell hooks mentions on page 55. Here’s what my idea card says: “My actions inspire consciousness, self-acceptance, self-responsibility, self-assertiveness, purposefulness, and integrity. My actions fuel my healthy self-esteem.”
If you’re not able to work on what you love most of the day, focus on maintaining your self-esteem by giving your best effort.
Be aware of the external and internal negative influences that could prevent you from establishing and maintaining a true and lasting love.
Commit to a love ethic because your choices will put your best values in charge of your behavior.
Patriarchy involves using fear to establish and maintain a belief that there is an inferior and a superior.
Love fosters the habit of connecting with people rather than possessing a thing.
Love is a unifier and an emancipator; do not limit its definition as only the satisfaction of an urge.
Greed ruins your capacity to sacrifice for your loved ones. When only the self matters, any action is justified, no matter how severe the consequences.
Forgive others, because forgiving is a generous act that improves the conditions that love needs to improve you and others.
If you’re in a relationship that involves fear, anger, hatred, sameness, ignorance, carelessness, despair, isolation, violence, cruelty, patriarchy, dominance, power, sexism, inequality, and servitude, make an adjustment and leave to find the kind of love that heals rather than wounds.
Know if you are being with someone to heal an old wound, or being with someone because you find yourself committed to meaningful sharing and discovering truths that extend you both. Do you want your lover in love and being loved? Are you developing a caring, trusting, nurturing bond that strengthens both your spiritual well-being and capacity to love?
Establish and maintain the value of equality, individuality, aloneness, honesty, self-discovery, endurance, affection, care, tenderness, orgasms, sex, playfulness, humor, satisfaction, smiles, traveling, companionship, friendships, intimacy, sharing, the spirit, the body, and the intellect.
If you make a mistake, remind yourself you’re human, make an adjustment, and return to love.
Be honest, empathetic, compassionate, and committed – care and respect your lover.
Love’s most precious gift is knowing that you always belong.
Love is about doing things and often involves mutual giving for mutual growth. This repeated back and forth giving inspires hope, raises your spirits, sustains you, and will always be remembered.
Love is more than a feeling, it's an activity. Consider how Susan Cain uses the word activity in her book Quiet: “Researchers have found that intense engagement in and commitment to an activity is a proven route to happiness and well-being.” Are you and your lover committed to doing things together? Are you often intensely engaged in what he or she is doing? If yes, these are very good signs.
Harriet Lerner’s qualities: Be “mature, intelligent, loyal, trustworthy, loving, attentive, sensitive and open, kind and nurturant, competent and responsible.”
Communicate with your mate. Talk about your failings and pain points. Discuss your intent and desire.
Talk about what pleases you both. Emma suggests OMGYes and I recommend it. I also recommend Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages that involves knowing your lover’s preferences, which could be touching, gifting, words of love, quality time, or acts of service.
Share common interests and values. Know what’s important to your lover. Be a part of what means a lot to her or him – this is how you deepen the emotional and spiritual connections.
How do you find a lover if you don't have one? Improve how well you seek and find by imagining yourself getting who and what you want every morning.
Creating a soul connection and sacred alliance helps both you and your lover discover and realize your deepest potential.
Let love be the catalyst that inspires all the best decisions you can make.
True love empowers us to sincerely help our lover succeed by inspiring them to improve, not by controlling them. Love is a hand in hand commitment through the darkest storms and clearest days.
Love is the great enabler, it transforms and generates our best qualities: caring, patience, empathy, wanting change/improvement, acceptance, courage, self-responsibility, adaptation, nurturance, daring to risk, leading, endurance, respect, a sense of equality, and making new moves that involve working new mental and physical muscles and senses.
Address your fears, accept and walk with death awhile. Use death as a motivator to celebrate life, and improve how well you love.
Be committed to your lover. Attend to your lover – make it a calling to know their calling. Know your lover’s preferences.
Authenticity is crucial: reveal yourself. Be who you really are. See the other person as they really are. Don’t let the intense feelings blind you. True love involves transparency. No masks, no falsehoods, truth. When we say we’re falling in love, part of what is falling are the masks – the old habits, our excesses and inactions, all the choices that will no longer control us and lead us away from love.
Use passion and romance as leverage to fuel the courage needed to create a soul connection and a lasting, sacred alliance. Not blinding romance, but a giving of your heart and sharing in many ways, including songs, poetry, loving words, gifts, acts of loving service, and tender touching and kissing.
Know that suffering ends, but love is forever. If you use Headspace, this may remind you of the insight that clouds do come and go, but there’s always blue sky. Love helps wounds heal faster.
It’s okay to express a yearning for a loving partner.
Praying strengthens the spirit and faith.
Being authentic is empowering. Be you, especially when you’re reaching out to someone who doesn’t know you.
A pivotal moment happens when you don’t just feel for your lover; you start engaging in loving service to enhance their spiritual growth.
Recognize your lover’s needs and “be capable of fulfilling them.”
Forgiveness enables a reconnect, reconciliation, and can reestablish trust.
Be hopeful, for hope energizes your spirit and courage and causes fear and despair to fall. This is part of what falls when we say we’re falling in love – fear and despair are in decline – falling – no longer controlling our decisions.
Have little or no desire or need for power. Power breeds illusions, detachment, lovelessness, and hunger for more power.
The angels among us, in body and spirit, send wisdom that sustains us: return to love and a simpler life. Be as calm and gentle as the loving harps of Mozart.
Heal yourself, focus on self-improvement, and embrace change. Keep reaching out, and make adjustments as you adapt and evolve.
Be certain that you have developed as a mature person to such a degree that you are not dependent on your mother or any authority figure, because your autonomy will allow another mature, autonomous person to love you.
The struggle to overcome obstacles increases your capacity to love. This inner strength forms a sturdier, robust character that eventually leads to self-discipline, self-reliance, autonomy, independence, personal freedom, self-direction, and healthy self-esteem.
Let love enable you to cope with and overcome the obstacles and turbulence of life.
Have the capacity to function with a gentle heart, stay peaceful and calm when misfortune and turbulence arrives to destabilize you.
Become familiar with Jacob’s story about the value of applying an enduring grace through all your most troubling, painful, and depressing encounters.
Let the wound be the wisdom. When guilt, shame, and powerlessness rise, be proactive about finding a remedy. I use humor. I like to read news and when stupid people do stupid things, I turn it into a joke: I complete the following sentence: “No, I’m not going to …” Example: No, I'm not going to play with fireworks inside an airport.
When mocked, belittled, overlooked, ignored, reduced, framed, falsely accused, and/or abused in one way or another, seek out the healing power of love inside you, and you will find the remedy.
“Insist on accountability and responsibility” from yourself and those who caused the suffering and those who witnessed it.
Heal the wounds, and the doors that lead you to love will open.
Use songs and books and reading/talking circles to help you gain the wisdom and understanding that gets you through the despair of tough times.
Years ago, I wrote a screenplay named Return To Love, and seeing the words “return to love” used again and again reinforced the idea that this book was like an angel reminding me to reconnect and return to love.
Fellow voyager, be reminded that one day, maybe right now, angels will speak to you and help you see new meanings and dimensions in everything.
Choose the path that awakens true love, for there’s no greater power that will improve you and the world.