Historical Fictionistas discussion

Hi everybody :-)

I'm new here, but I have an old problem: the blurb for my book. I know you know what I'm talking about.

I worked on my blurb a lot, but I still feel it isn't there yet. I kind of like the structure, I think the story is compehensible (but I might be wrong), I don't think the characters (except maybe susie, the MC) are there.
So, if you feel like reading it and give me your opinion, it woudl be much appreciated.

Thanks ^_^

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GIVE IN TO THE FEELING

Chicago 1924

Susie has never thought she might want more. More than being Simon’s woman. More than the lush life he’s given her when she came from China. More than the carefree nights of dance in his speakeasy.
Simon has never asked her anything in return but her loyalty. Not a big price.
Until that night.

When Blood enters Simon’s speakeasy, and Susie dances with him, she discovers there’s a completely new world beyond the things she owns and the things she’s allowed to do. A world where she can be her own woman, where she can be the woman she’s supposed to be. A world of sharing and self-expression she has never glimpsed.
But she’s still Simon’s woman, and he won’t allow her to forget it.

Soon Susie will discover there’s more than two men fighting over her in the confrontation between Blood and Simon. There’s a fight breaking through the wall of the real world, into the spirit world where Susie’s freedom may mean life or death for one of them. And if Susie gives in, she will lose more than just her heart and happiness.

Susie,
I clicked "reply" to tell you it is too long -- only to see that Lyn has the same advice.
I'd suggest trying to cut it in half. This is 186 words, and my best blurbs are 90 words or less. Remember, you'll be asked for "keynotes" of 50 words or less. A cover blurb shouldn't take more than 10 seconds to read. That's about the amount of time you will get from readers.
Helena

I've never written a blurb, at least not yet, but when you went into the spiritual world it threw me. I t does not seem to jive with the rest of the blurb.
And I am writing about the spiritual world.

Thanks for all your suggestion, guys :-)

Irene wrote: "I've never written a blurb, at least not yet, but when you went into the spiritual world it threw me. I t does not seem to jive with the rest of the blurb.
And I am writing about the spiritual world."

Uhm... the reson why I put it in is because this is actually a speculative story, though the setting is historical. I felt that it should be mentioned in the blurb.
The speculative element is a main point in Susie's evolution arc, so I'm now wondering whether the bulrb isn't completely off, since most people seem to assume this is a romance.

Thanks for all your impression, guys. I think this blurb needs a major rewrite ;-)

So, takes two here it goes ^_^
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When Blood enters Simon’s speakeasy, and Susie dances with him, she discovers there’s a new world beyond the things she owns and the things she’s allowed to do. Blood values her thoughts, her feelings and offers his respect for her as a person.
So different from the luxury Simon has offered her. The exciting club nights and the new freedom of dressing and doing as she pleases.

But Susie’s still Simon’s woman, and he won’t allow her to forget it.

And there might be more than two men fighting over her. As Blood and Simon confront each other, Susie sees the spirit world filter into her world and crack the reality she knows. And when she looks through the shards of the illusion she’s been living, Susie realises making a choice between the two will be more difficult than she has ever imagined.
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How does it sound?

Lyn wrote: "I need the genre clearly stated somewhere.
Is it historical? Fantasy?"

It's both :-)
And since both elements are equally important to the story, I normally present it as one or the other, depending on the audience I'm addressing.
An "historical fantasy" or "historically set fantasy" for fantasy audience and a "historical novel with strong speculative elements" for historical audince.