Support for Indie Authors discussion

I could use your input here GR. Thanks in advance.

Everyone has a heart to break.
It starts at a shameless private party. Black ties for the men. Costumes for the ladies. Silvia Sorenstam is a beauty painted as a white rabbit. Marshall Lisser, a twenty-eight year old aspiring rock musician living in his parent’s basement is smitten with the younger Silvia. Weeks of reckless living leads to a Vegas wedding. Then happily ever after is supposed to begin. But it doesn’t. You see, there’s a bun in the oven and the little brioche roll doesn’t belong to Marshall. And his new wife has a messy past which she’s desperate to escape. She’s hoping Marshall will stand in her place when retribution comes knocking. As they said in their marriage vows, till death do us part. (less)

Well, David, it's not terrible, but it could use some work.

I'd strike the first sentence.

The rest kind of hiccups along with a lot of short choppy sentences. I'm not finding a real center to it, the hook that would make someone want to read it as the focus shifts around from one part of the story to another - they're at a party THEN weeks later they get married THEN she's pregnant THEN the real baby daddy comes a-calling. It's a lot to take in when I really have no idea who Silvia or Marshall are in the first place. Find the hook that you want to bring a reader in and focus on that. The rest of the story can be left as a surprise for when they actually read the book.

I liked it. I kind of agree though that it gives away a lot of the story, but I would want to read it after reading that description :)

Hiya, David!

Hmm. I sorta agree with the others that it gives away much of the story. Like, I feel as if the blurb is the entire story minus the the very ending. With that said, IF that's the story, then I totally dig it :D

Okay, this is just my obsessively nitpicky nature, but I would personally split it into two paragraphs (Maybe here:...happily ever after is supposed to begin./But it doesn't. You see...) It kind of has a wall-o-text feel right now. I dunno though. I'm sure some more experienced authors can tell ya if I'm completely off my rocker hahaha.

Good luck, sir!

updated. let me know what you think!

Marshall Lisser is a twenty-eight year old aspiring musician living the high life in his parents basement while entertaining dreams of rock and roll stardom. With his band Afterlife, he learns that the path to stardom is paved in failure, fighting and backstabbing. To turn his fortunes around, he plans to meet a legendary producer at a risqué black tie party–except his best laid plans fail when he meets stunner Silvia Sorenstam, body-painted as a white rabbit. Fittingly, ‘Alice’ as Marshall is known by friends, falls for Silvia’s beauty and her mysterious intrigue. When he maroons Afterlife for his new girl, the band plays a sour note. Marshall wants nothing more than to make it as a musician, but his new girl has her own ideas about Marshall’s future. And her own sordid past is Marshall’s problem too.