Support for Indie Authors discussion

Who wants to cut open my blurb and help me build something new?
As I continue to try and refine my craft and better all that I do, I am revisiting some things I may not have given much attention to in the beginning. First up, is the blurb to my debut novel, The Mighty. I'd love for you all to give it a read and comment with your thoughts. And feel free to be brutally brutal. I need it. I want to craft something better.

I got some good feedback on Kboards and did a rewrite. So hopefully what I'm sharing here is better than it was in the first place. Cut it apart.


He's not crazy. Honest, he's not.
He's just Wyatt. Wyatt the Mighty.

Fifteen-year-old Wyatt can't believe he's been sent to The Shepherd's Crook, a treatment center for "disturbed youth." It's not his fault no one understands him. And it's not his fault he has no past beyond the shadows that haunt him. He wants nothing more than to escape from it all.

And he does.

Through a magic he doesn't understand, he finds himself in Hagion, a realm of fantastical creatures and immense wonder. He quickly finds himself in the company of a runaway warrior and two Children--a strange race of underground creatures that seem forever joyful. They claim Wyatt is a Druid, a powerful figure of myth and legend, sent to restore peace to all of the Realms. He doesn't bother correcting them.

Finally, he can be the hero he's always dreamed of.

But claiming to be a hero and actually being a hero are two different things. And it's a lesson Wyatt may have to pay dearly for.

Thanks,
Michael J Sanford
www.mjsauthor.com

*takes out shears**frowns**takes out ginormous chainsaw instead* XD

I love, love, loooove the opening and how it's broken up. Just a tad long for my personal taste. I kinda wanna get to the part about Hagion (unless he's at The Shepherd's Crook for a while?)

Here's my humble suggestion:


He's not crazy. Honest, he's not.
He's just Wyatt. Wyatt the Mighty.

Fifteen-year-old Wyatt can't believe he's has been sent to The Shepherd's Crook, a treatment center for "disturbed youth." It's not his fault no one understands him. And it's not his fault he has no past beyond the shadows that haunt him. He wants nothing more than to escape from it all.

And he does.

Through magic, he finds himself in Hagion, amidst a strange race of underground creatures that are forever joyful. They claim Wyatt is a Druid, a powerful figure of myth and legend, sent to restore peace to all of the Realms. He doesn't bother correcting them.

Finally, he can be the hero he's always dreamed of.

But claiming to be a hero and actually being a hero are two different things. And it's a lesson Wyatt may have to pay dearly for.

Hugs,
Ann

I think Ann's edited version is spot on. She identified the superfluous words without jeopardizing the readers understanding of what the book is about.

Hmmm. That sure was delicate work for a chainsaw. And much appreciated. I like your changes.

We're so blind to our own work. It's nice to have fresh eyes on it. Thanks.

Hahahaha! What can I say? I'm good with chainsaw ^_~

Nah, seriously, my pleasure. Glad it helped some. Best of luck!

Hugs,
Ann

P.S. - Awww *blushes* thanks, Lloyd!