Support for Indie Authors discussion

Hello!

I've recently heard that people think I need to change the blurb on my first book, so I did a complete make-over, and I'd be overjoyed for some feedback, especially on things I can do better. :-)

Thank you, all, in advance,
/Eleonora


'There is another reality out there that we – if we are lucky – never get to see. Dark and frightening, it touches on the border of our every-day-life and our deepest nightmares. It is a world of fear in which people will do anything to gain supernatural power. It is a place where unspeakable crimes are committed.

FBI-agent Miriam Goldblum has seen more than her share of horrible acts that no one would ever believe, acts that fewer yet would stay sane after witnessing. Being part of the secretive Field Researchers, she is devoted to investigating the crimes committed by people with the ability to alter the laws of our world. Together with her team, she has sworn to take the perpetrators down – humans, creatures, and entities alike – and make ordinary people’s piece of reality safer.

When a girl is discovered being eaten alive from the inside, Miriam knows that she and her team are once again called upon, and this time the nightmare will step closer to home than she has ever experienced before. This time, she won’t know if she can trust her own team.

With a dip into Lovecraftian horror, ‘In the Hands of the Unknown’ is a creepy read that will keep the reader in a grip of subtle terror until the end.'

Wow! That's some book you've written.

But... (sorry). I think your blurb is too wordy. A quick example is that you could lose the last sentence of the first paragraph without affecting the message as it is covered by the sentence before by 'people will do anything'.

Amazon would only show about half of this before the little 'more' sign popped up.

Definitely creepy. Eaten alive - oh groan.

Anna wrote: "Wow! That's some book you've written.

But... (sorry). I think your blurb is too wordy. A quick example is that you could lose the last sentence of the first paragraph without affecting the messag..."

Nothing to be sorry about. :-) I was afraid that it was too wordy. But, yes, I think you're right that I can skip the last sentence in the first paragraph. Thank you! And yes, the images in my head was definitely gross. *lol*

I'm with Anna. The book sounds fascinating. If scary. But the blurb is about twice as long as I would consider ideal.

Think sound bites.

I would ditch the first paragraph or make it much shorter. Blurbs should be short a punchy and I didn't start getting interested until the second paragraph. Try to keep it as short as possible. Don't need try to tell us the plot. Give the character, the problem, and why we should read it. The last paragraph is the best.

Hi, Miss AE!!

*waves all crazy-like*

I hope it's alright but I'm just gonna do my own little rewrite. I do NOT think this is "correct"! I just suck at making suggestions any other way hahahahaha!! No, really. I suck at it.


Few would believe what FBI-agent Miriam Goldblum has seen. Fewer would stay sane after witnessing such horrible acts.

As a secretive (top-secret?) Field Researcher, she is devoted to investigating investigates the crimes committed by people those with the ability to alter the laws of our world and Together with her team, she has sworn to take the perpetrators down – humans, creatures, and entities alike. and make ordinary people’s piece of reality safer.

When a girl is discovered being eaten alive from the inside, Miriam knows that she and her team of Secret researchers are called upon once again. But this time, the nightmare steps closer to home than ever before. This time, she may not be able to trust her own team.

With a dip into Lovecraftian horror, ‘In the Hands of the Unknown’ is a creepy read that will keep the reader in a grip of subtle terror until the end.'


Big hugs,
Ann

P.S. - Mr Harry, methinks you'll get a lot more help starting your own thread. Folks might not see yours in here...?

EDIT: Annnnd I just realized Mr Tim already beat me to it and did some offensive rewriting ^_~ I like his much better than mine LOL. Nice work, good sir!

I love the opening, but as a voiceover opening to a movie trailer. You might consider removing it and using it on promo materials.

Beyond that, I think Annie has some punched up suggestions that would work. I do like the opening she added, it's got a nice hook and having read the story, it fits for me.

Over all, while a bit too long and repetitive, the blurb does make its point. It's intriguing and tells the possible readers what to expect. I agree with Christina. The first paragraph would make an awesome voiceover opening.

As for the two re-writes, both are great, however, I tend to prefer Annie's because she stayed true to A.E.'s voice by just removing the parts that did nothing for the blurb.

Good luck :)

I agree with Christina and G.G. I think the key to a new blurb is to cut what doesn't add punch. The book sounds great.

Wow! Thank you all! Wonderful suggestions, all of them.

Ann, I definitely like your suggestion. I'll see if I can go from there.

And I do like the idea of a voice-over for a trailer. I think I will work with that too.

Thanks again for helping me taking away the wordiness and the no-punchiness - and for making me see it. You are all so awesome!

Good job, Tim. I think she should definitely consider this one.

Tim wrote: "I don't know if I've over-stepped the mark, but I did a quick re-write. Sorry if I'm wrong to do this. But it was just too wordy.

________________

'In the hands Of The Unknown' is dark and fright..."

*lol* Tim, you're funny. I definitely do not hate your suggestion. I love that you gave me new ideas and made me peek out of the box. There are definitely some suggestions there that I will take a closer look at. :-)

Okay, I did a re-write and, honestly, I think that the 'committed by those with the ability to alter the laws of reality' is waaay too clunky. Anyone who has a better idea?

And do you think this blurb would catch people's interest?

'There are special kinds of crimes committed by those with the ability to alter the laws of reality, and these need special kinds of people to solve them. Few would ever believe what FBI-agent Miriam Goldblum has seen in her role as Field Researcher.

When a girl is discovered being eaten alive from the inside, Miriam and her team are called upon once again. But this time, the nightmare steps closer to home than ever before. This time, she may not be able to trust her own. '

Okay, Miss AE. I swear to goodness I'm not stalking you hahaha!!

Possibility...? *shrugs*


There are special kinds of Crimes committed by those with the ability to able to alter the laws of reality and these need special kinds of people to solve them. Few would ever believe what FBI-agent Miriam Goldblum has seen in her role as Field Researcher.

When a girl is discovered being eaten alive from the inside, Miriam and her team are called upon once again. But this time, the nightmare steps closer to home than ever before. This time, she may not be able to trust her own.


Personally, I dig a tiny bit more *oooh*, *gasp*, and *ahhh* in blurbs but that's just me.

I love the brevity now!! *high fives* Much more succinct!!!

Hugs,
Ann

EDIT: Oh! And "her role as a FR" or "her role of FR"? Please ignore if you don't care about that part LOL

Annie wrote: "Okay, Miss AE. I swear to goodness I'm not stalking you hahaha!!

Possibility...? *shrugs*


There are special kinds of Crimes committed by those with the ability to able to alter the laws of reali..."

(i'm stalking Tim and Ann.)

i just really love this image:

"When a girl is discovered being eaten alive from the inside out,"

it is so visceral; it is also very on-the-mark for horror readers; if you could use some more active verbs (something other than "is discovered"), as the opening line it would really catch the eye of your intended audience.

Haha, the right kind of stalking is always appreciated. ;-)

I did a new re-write with the awesome suggestions from Ann, Tim, and Alex.

'There are special kinds of crimes committed by those able to alter the laws of reality. To solve them, special kinds of people are needed. FBI-agent Miriam Goldblum is one of these. Few would ever believe the mind-bending things she has experienced in her role as a Field Researcher.

When a girl is being eaten alive from the inside out, Miriam and her team are once again called upon. But this time, the nightmare steps closer to home than ever before. This time, she may not be able to trust her own allies.'

@Miss AE: If I may be so bold as to say...

I feel like your "voice" is getting lost now. As if it no longer sounds like you. Just my 2 cents. What are your thoughts?

Your friendly GR stalker,
Ann

Hm, okay... Sorry that it became worse. I'm going to let it rest and come back to it tomorrow.

Annie, you might be right. I think I need to start from the beginning again. Love your insights. :-)

Nothing to be sorry about. :-)

you could also see what other blurbs are like:

https://www.amazon.com/Best-Sellers-B...

btw, your story sounds like a good one--kind of like a supernatural x-files.

I will ditch the first paragraph since it reads like a general overview on crime and crime-fighting rather than being specific to the plot. I like Annie's suggestions. Not the type of book I'll read though, since I only read at night.

Thank you. I re-wrote the whole thing, actually, and I think it floats better.

Thanks for all good advice.

'When FBI-agent Miriam Goldblum sees the girl who has been eaten alive from the inside, she enters a dark world where nothing is sacred. It is a world where people can alter the reality to suit their own paranormal agenda, and Miriam soon finds herself tangled in a twisted web where nothing seems to be as it should be.'

"where nothing seems to be as it should be" catches me off guard some, as the reader. Maybe "where nothing seems to be as it should".

I like the new version a lot! My only suggestion would be to screen it for passive voice and work on more active voice.

@Miss AE: Woooweeee! You shortened that down like a legit boss!!!

I gotta agree with Miss Heather, though, about that one line. Personally, I'd go with "...where nothing is as it seems." But just me, ma'am! Well done!!

Hugs,
Ann

Awesome suggestions. Thank you all! <3