All About Books discussion
Just for Fun
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Funnies - Just for fun
Art Linkletter made his show on Kids say the darnedest things, Adorable.
When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place."this part is my favorite:)
Bette, I've moved this to the 'Just For Fun' section of the group as it seems quite fitting judging by the title ;)
Jenny wrote: "Bette, I've moved this to the 'Just For Fun' section of the group as it seems quite fitting judging by the title ;)"Thanks, Jenny. I was looking for an area like that but couldn't find it. It's still very early in the am here:P
THAT was wonderful. Thanks for sharing. What kids say, how they see the world around them. ...such invention and imagination and perception.
Mod
LauraT wrote: "Thanks for sharing!!! I was a bit perplexed though that a kid of about 7/8 could e present at her mother's delivery ..."Yes, it's a bit worrisome.
Flawless MALE LOGIC.Critical Thinking At Its Best!
Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man:
Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man:
$5.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary !)
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.
In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation,
the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:
Where's your Ferrari then?
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While anxiously waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer... For a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!
Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???
Erica wrote: "great joke Bette!"my sister is a lawyer and she sent me the joke!
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
where do Bees go to Pee at?They go at the BP station. ^_^ LOL.
Why Sharks Circle Before Attacking..Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said and they swam to the mass of people.
"First, we swim around them a few times, with just the tip of our fin showing."
And they did.
"Well done, son!
Now, we swim around them a few times, with ALL of our fin showing."
And they did.
"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked,
"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?
Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied,
"Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!"
1981 & 2005 - Two Interesting Years Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe .
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.
Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe .
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.
Lesson to be learned:
The next time Charles gets married, someone should warn the Pope.
REMEMBER WHEN:
All the girls had ugly gym slips
It took five minutes for the TV to warm up
Nearly everyone's Mum was home when the kids got home from school
Nobody owned a purebred dog
You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny
Your Mother wore nylons that came in two pieces
All male teachers wore ties and female teachers had their hair done every day and wore high heels
You got your windscreen cleaned, oil checked and petrol served, without asking, all for free, every time..
It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant
With your parents
When a Ford Zephyr was everyone's dream car...
And people went steady
No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car,
In the ignition, and the doors were never locked
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles?
Bottles came from the corner shop without safety caps and hermetic seals
Because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger
And with all our progress, don't you wish, just once, you could slip back in time
And savour the slower pace, and share it with the children of today?
When being sent to the headmasters office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited you at home
Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.
As well as summers filled with bike rides, cricket, Hula Hoops, skating and visits
To the pool, eating lemonade powder or liquorice sticks.
Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, 'Yes, I remember that'?
Mod
And yes I remember that - almost all anyway!
The ashes is a cricket tournament held between Australia and England. It's a fierce rivalry and so named because the it was started after Australia first beat England and that game was set to signify the death of English cricket
Well I'm English and I still never knew that reason! Thanks Heather ;)
Mod
Papa Paolo VI died in 1978, followed by Papa Giovanni Paolo I - who lived only 33 days after his ... election (Dhanaraj can you say election for a pope?), so always in 1978. His successor was papa Paolo Giovanni paolo II who lived quite a lot: he died only in 2005. After him Papa Benedetto XVI, who is still living but "abdicated" (Again Dhanaraj help! How do you say that for a pope???) in 2013 and now we have Papa Francesco. So no one 1981.
I was fairly certain because, even if I'm not catholic, pope "election" are quite a happening in Italy, and I remeber exactly where I was for all these last ones
LauraT wrote: "Thinking over it last night ...Which Pope is supposed to have died in 1981? Papa Paolo VI died in 1978, followed by Papa Giovanni Paolo I - who lived only 33 days after his ... election (Dhanaraj ..."
Ha ha, you have a point there, Laura!
Bette, your contributions to this site really made me smile and laugh today. I also remember many of those things. The nylon stockings reminded me of when I was working in dementia care, and a woman came up to me with pantyhose in her hands and wanted to know who the hell sewed her stockings together.
Well, I'm already about there and I'm only 26 and unmarried!
Terri wrote: "Bette, your contributions to this site really made me smile and laugh today. I also remember many of those things. The nylon stockings reminded me of when I was working in dementia care, and a woma..."Terri, that pantyhose sentence made me really laugh.
I think we could all use a laugh sometimes; it costs nothing to share a smile:)
:D (the best cybersmile I can do!)
Mod
(the best cybersmile I can do!)"
I want one so charming as well!!!
If you ever feel powerless, remember this:Just a single one of your pubic hairs will shut down a restaurant for an entire day.
LOL! But of course, you have no power if you wax! (can't quite believe I posted that)
lol. And I can't believe I posted the joke:)! For those sensitive to TMI, I'm sorry for making you wince. For those insensitive to TMI, read on:
The joke should definitely have a caveat about waxing!! Luckily, I never had a wax so I DO have the ultimate power!
he he. I definitely didn't mean to start a raunchy thread, but if it makes us laugh....what's the harm?!!
I like the joke! It made me smile and I certainly don't think it's TMI (I'm a doctor though so my idea of TMI is probably much more extreme than most people)
I work in a deli serving gizzards and livers. Do you know how many people order lizards? LOL
Love it. And the power you have over restaurants applies to delis too :)
DISCLAIMER: I do no make up these jokes; I am merely passing them on.Subject: THE BLONDE MAN HAS FINALLY ARRIVED.............................
A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------
A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
------------------------------------
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her
Contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve
To avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the
Road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't
You put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------
A blonde man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him
Hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
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(This one actually makes sense.)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall
Backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell
Forward, they'd still be in the boat."
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A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police
Station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the
Next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday
these are all excellent! made my day too!
Debbie wrote: "these are all excellent! made my day too!"Terri wrote: "Bette, you made my day! :)"
Aren't they funny? I nearly choked on my coffee reading them. I laughed and laughed; a great way to start my day:) This one is my favorite:
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police
Station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
Two little boys, Tom and Danny, are excessively mischievous.They are always getting into trouble and their Mom knows if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent Danny in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
"Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
"Where is God?!
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,
"What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
"We are in BIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
Embarrassing Medical Exams1. A man comes into the ER and yells My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , San Francisco
2... At the beginning of my shift
I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . .. I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . ..replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes , Seattle , WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad
news when I told a wife that her husband had
died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up
appointment with his cardiologist, he informed
me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications..
' Which one ?'. .. .. I asked. 'The patch...
The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of
the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair , Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR
6. I was performing rounds at the
hospital one morning and while checking
up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your
breakfast this morning?' ' It's very good
except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to get used to the taste.'. .. . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf , Detroit ,
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a
tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name,
AND FINALLY!! ! . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female
pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard .. . .
' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .
' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener .' '
Dr. wouldn't submit his name....
1 MORE
Baby's First Doctor Visit
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied..
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came. "
-THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A YANKEE BASEBALL GAME.THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND THEM.
BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW, THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS, HOPING THEY'D GET ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA.
IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH... THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."
THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID LOUDLY, "I WANT TO MOVE TO MONTANA... THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."
THE THIRD GUY YELLED, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO ...
THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE."
THE MOTHER SUPERIOR TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL.....THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE."
THE UNDERTAKER'S BLACK EYEBob, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye. "What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day." replied Bob . "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.
Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see" said his wife, "that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?"
Bob replied: " .
............. Wrong room .."
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord." (She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.)
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' (Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.) "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.) "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!) "Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place."
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest.
Ever since then, when it's Show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.