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I'd love to get feedback on this blurb for new book I'm working on. Young, raven-haired, impulsive Luce, an independent American woman, a feminist even, meets Roger one snowy night at an upstate NY grad school party. “You must be French,” she declares. (He proves it to her later.) Mesmerized, she can’t wait to cry mush and jump into his arms to be whisked away for adventures in faraway Mexico and France. Having studied French since ninth grade, she asks for nothing more than to push back his long black hair, dust off his beret, snuggle up to his ratty black sweater, and settle in for the ride.
A couple of years later, living in Paris with a tight-fisted husband and a colicky baby in tow, she’s increasingly on edge and unhappy. In The City of Light? Will she shrink down against the bedroom wall and clasp her knees to her chest and dream of the days she had independence, purpose, friends? Will she go on the hunt for playground buddies, an English language women’s writing group, a part-time job financed by the CIA? A lover? Has her romance with Roger run its course?
Just when she’s getting semi-comfortable in Paris, Roger announces he’s accepted a job in Hawaii working on a huge telescope project there. A great career opportunity. Now what?

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Hi Janet. I love the blurb. Luce is faced with making a very difficult choice. Will she stay with Roger or go with what could have been? I also enjoy your descriptions. I can see the characters through my minds eye. Good luck to you.

Thomas Bruce

I like the premise, but you really could look at halving the length. It lost me halfway through.

Could be that I have the attention span of a gnat...

I agree with Jane, it is far too long. I read it all simply because you are asking for help, but if I were looking at this on Amazon, I would go on to the next book without reading it.
my rule of thumb: tell me just enough to hook me, no more.

I agree it needs to be edited. There is so much choice out there you have to hook a potential reader faster. I tend to do the same thing on over writing the blurb and have been getting help for that here as well.

Moved to the blurbs, covers and trailers folder.

I agree with Joel. A blurb needs a strong hook and it needs one fast. I'm also having trouble drawing a bead on the main plot.

It reads as if you're trying to sum up the entire book in a few paragraphs. Focus on the main story and sum that up. Drop most of the adjectives as they are distracting.

Way too much. Should be very solidly in the present tense. All those little asides gotta go: the rhetorical questions, inner thoughts, the motivations of those around her . . . get out the razor. If you slash all those, you might find the thread of your story. It'll be linear, clear as a bell, and tell us only what we need to know.

Cheer up, we all struggle w/blurbs -- the hardest 100 words you'll ever write.

Ray Bright

Whittle it down a little, I think. There's a lot of good material in it. But I think you're overstaying your welcome. I feel like the whole "raven-haired feminist" part, and even the love story is back story. If so, I'll bet you could summarize it tighter and get to the actual story's hook faster if you tried.

This is my personal direction I'd go with something like this, but please feel free to scrap it completely if it doesn't fit your style or story!

Raven-haired Luce is a strong woman with an impulsive side fed by the idea of adventure. Roger plays the French man from the romance novels with precision and creates the perfect storm for Luce to anticipate a life of travel and whimsy. Years later with husband and baby in France, Luce is faced with the trying decision of living out the disappointing dream or seeing if there's potential for more elsewhere.

Very helpful comments. Tkx all!

better? too negative?

Luce believed her fantasies of living in Paris were coming true when she met the dashing Roger at a party. “You must be French,” she blurted out. (He proved it to her later.) Mesmerized, she couldn’t wait to cry mush and jump into his arms to be whisked away for adventures in faraway places. She asked for nothing more than to push back his long black hair, dust off his beret, snuggle up to his ratty black sweater, and settle in for the ride. Living in Paris a couple of years later, she wonders if her fairy tale romance has come to an end.

Hiii, Miss Janet! *waves* I love the first part!!

Especially this line: “You must be French,” she blurted out. (He proved it to her later.)

Everything after "Mesmerized, she couldn't..." kinda sorta lost my attention a bit. Like, it sounds good!! Just doesn't draw me in, ya know?

Okay, that wasn't really helpful haha! Sorry!!! Best of luck!

Hugs,
Ann

Luce believed her fantasies of living in Paris were coming true when she met the dashing Roger at a party. “You must be French,” she blurted out. (He proved it to her later.) She wanted nothing more than to push back his long black hair, dust off his beret, snuggle up to his ratty black sweater, and settle in for the ride. Cut to two years later and the bloom is definitely off the rose.

(boy, this is hard!)

I agree with Thomas. I like the original. I would suggest writing it for your target. The shorter versions take the life out of it. The blurb for The Nest is long but it gives you the feel for the story.

M.L. wrote: "I agree with Thomas. I like the original."

And that's what makes these threads so interesting... the more Janet works on it, the better I like it.

Janet wrote: "(boy, this is hard!) "

It is. I think writing blurbs is actually harder than writing the damned books. But, in my opinion, your shorter, cleaner versions are much better. Personally, I don't like the "you must be French" bit, but Annie likes it so... maybe I just don't get it. *grin*

Dwayne wrote: "But, in my opinion, your shorter, cleaner versions are much better. Personally, I don't like the "you must be French" bit, but Annie likes it so... maybe I just don't get it. *grin*"

1. I second your opinion, good sir!
2. Aww, c'mon...that's the sexy bit... *naughty smirk*

Methinks you're doing great, Miss Janet! ^_~

I love your last rendition, except for the last bit. "cut to two years..." loses the flow from the rest of the blurb.