Support for Indie Authors discussion

I have been struggling mightily with putting together a blurb for my book, Misty Lake in Focus. It's a romantic suspense, the third in the series, and is just about ready for publication. My cover designer is waiting for the back cover text.

Nothing I try seems right. I read the posts on here frequently and have been blown away by some of the suggestions on other blurbs. If anyone feels like taking a crack at mine, I'd be grateful.

In short, the main characters, Cassie and Frank, met years ago when he was interning with a photographer working a shoot where Cassie was modeling. Cassie had a troubled past, had always avoided relationships, but that changed with Frank. The two fell in love and were planning their future until Frank left at the end of the job and that same day, Cassie became the victim of a brutal attack. She's emotionally shattered and ends up running, leaving Frank wondering what happened. They are reunited seven years later when Cassie unknowingly takes a job in the small town where Frank lives.


Here's what I've come up with, two versions basically the same, one just a little longer:

For Cassie Papadakis, a lonely childhood shifted seamlessly to a lonely life. Trusting no one, she threw herself into her work and avoided relationships at all costs. Until she met Frank McCabe and everything changed. Two weeks with him had her experiencing life as she never had before. Then, in an instant, her world was shattered.

Frank never understood why Cassie disappeared so suddenly from his life. Seven years had him moving on, but not forgetting the woman who’d stolen his heart. When the two are unexpectedly reunited, he realizes his feelings for her are as strong as ever. He is determined to learn what happened and to win her back.

But Frank isn’t the only one who wants Cassie.



For Cassie Papadakis, a lonely childhood shifted seamlessly to a lonely life. Trusting no one, she threw herself into her work and avoided relationships at all costs. Until she met Frank McCabe and everything changed. Two weeks with him had her experiencing life as she never had before. Then, in an instant, her world was shattered.

Frank expected to gain valuable experience when he traveled to Chicago for his first photo shoot as an intern. He never expected to fall in love. Certain he and Cassie were perfect for one another, he left Chicago looking forward to their forever. When she disappeared with hardly a word, he was left with unanswered questions and a hole in his heart.

Seven years later, circumstances bring Cassie and Frank face to face again in Misty Lake. For Frank, the feelings are the same as they were years ago. For Cassie, it’s not that easy. Determined to make sure she doesn’t walk out of his life a second time, Frank sets out to unravel the mystery surrounding Cassie and to win back the only woman he’s ever loved.

But Frank isn’t the only one who wants Cassie.

Thanks in advance!
Margaret

I like number one

My vote it also for blurb one.

Number one.

I like number 2.

I like number one, too :) Short, to the point, gives enough and hooks us for more.

I'm a fan of shorter blurbs, so a vote for one here as well.

Hi, Miss Margaret!

I dig the first blurb better for sure! I love the brevity and think you were able to pack a lot into it without giving away anything.

*high fives*

Hugs,
Ann

Thank you to everyone who took the time to read and comment. I appreciate your feedback. Seems like the consensus is keep it short!

I also prefer number one, but I am wondering whether the part about the childhood could be deleted, and the first para shortened. Start with something like

Trusting no one, Cassie Papadakis threw herself into her work and avoided relationships at all costs. Then she met . . .

I'm the furthest thing from a blurb expert there is here.

Even though your book isn't action-oriented, I still can't help but feel the language is slightly undynamic (and, therefore, less appealing than it could be).

The following is not a real suggestion for changes, but a demonstration of what I mean by changing the language of the thing. I am 100% convinced you can write a much better version than what I am scribbling down here:

Cassie Papadakis always did have a lonely life. She trusted no one, threw herself into her work, avoided relationships at any cost.

Until she met Frank McCabe and everything changed. Two weeks with him, and she's experiencing life like never before. But, in an instant, her world is shattered.

Frank never understood why Cassie disappeared so suddenly from his life. Seven years later, he still can't forget the woman who stole his heart.

When the two are unexpectedly reunited, he realizes his feelings for her are as strong as ever. He needs to learn what happened, to win her back.

But Frank isn’t the only one who wants Cassie.

Your blurb is good, and leaving it as is will likely not hurt a thing. I just am willing to bet you can do it even better.

If the polls are still open, my vote is for #1.

I'll give some suggestions for the second version. I'm crunched for time, so I've skipped over a few things.

“For Cassie Papadakis, a lonely childhood shifted seamlessly to a lonely life.”

I'd put “adulthood” instead of “life,” since childhood is also part of life.

Also, “shifted seamlessly” and “loneliness” are incongruous. I think you need a more depressing phrase, like “a lonely childhood led inevitably to a lonely adulthood.”

“Trusting no one, she threw herself into her work and avoided relationships at all costs. Until she met Frank McCabe and everything changed. Two weeks with him had her experiencing life as she never had before. Then, in an instant, her world was shattered.”

“Experiencing life as she never had before” is vague. If someone throws you in a torture chamber, that's also a new experience, right? Make it clear that being with Frank made her feel wonderful, happy, sensual, etc.

“Frank expected to gain valuable experience when he traveled to Chicago for his first photo shoot as an intern. He never expected to fall in love. Certain he and Cassie were perfect for one another, he left Chicago looking forward to their forever. When she disappeared with hardly a word, he was left with unanswered questions and a hole in his heart.”

“Their forever” just sounds off. And why would he leave Chicago if he was in love with her? (I assume Cassie lives in the Windy City.)

“Seven years later, circumstances bring Cassie and Frank face to face again in Misty Lake. For Frank, the feelings are the same as they were years ago. For Cassie, it’s not that easy. Determined to make sure she doesn’t walk out of his life a second time, Frank sets out to unravel the mystery surrounding Cassie and to win back the only woman he’s ever loved.”

“Again in Misty Lake”? This is the first time you mention Misty Lake, even though it's obviously important, and the title of your book.

Also, point-of-view issues: it sounds like the story is told from the viewpoints of both Cassie and Frank, perhaps in alternating chapters? That's what I'm picking up from the way your second blurb is structured.

Paragraph 1: Explains Cassie's story/Cassie's POV.
Paragraph 2: Explains Frank's story/Frank's POV.
Paragraph 3: Tries to tie their stories/POV together.

But if the story is told partially from Cassie's POV, how can she be mysterious? If you give us some more details, perhaps I can make better suggestions.

Hope these ideas are helpful to you.

Thanks again, everyone. Your ideas and suggestions are very helpful and very much appreciated.