Blazing Readers & Wordy Writers discussion

If you have stories, poems, or an outline you'd like to share you can post them here and we'll look at it and tell you want we thought of it.

I would gladly appreciate if some of you could read this and tell me what you thought of it please. Thank you! : )

https://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/...

I have another thing for you guys to read through it you're interested and when you have the time.
This is chapter one from a story that I'm currently working on so please let me know if there is anything I should work on!

https://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/...

I love your writing! You come up with some really creative ideas.

Thank you Coralie! That means a lot. : )

Ooh! Did you change your profile pic?? It's gorgeous! I love the colors!

Aw thanks! And yes, I did. So it doesn't look like a creepy vampire?

Definitely not creepy-vampire-esque. I like it!

Thank you Skyril! :D
I'm glad you like it.

Hello! I wrote this short chapter a while ago and I hope to hear what you thought of it. Criticism is definitely welcomed! ^.^

https://www.goodreads.com/story/show/...

One criticism I have is that you often skip back and forth between past and present tense. I would pick one and make sure you stick with it. :)

Howdy, all! I'm hoping to find some feedback for an older short story of mine, titled Babysitting Gma! I would love to hear anything you have to say. Thanks in advance!

https://www.goodreads.com/story/show/...

I'd like feedback on literally any of my posted works. Most of the shorter ones can be found in my personal writing topic, "Write ALL The Words!". :)

Raevyn wrote: "I'd like feedback on literally any of my posted works. Most of the shorter ones can be found in my personal writing topic, "Write ALL The Words!". :)"

I've started reading some of your poems! (Getting to the feedback, sorry! Y'all are posting faster than I can read and post feedback! :-D A good problem to have.) I look forward to reading some of the stuff in your other threads too.

Sounds good. :)

Masi [That's my name] (S.B.QP) wrote: "Coralie, I love your writing. Especially the beach scene. Your writing is lovely and neat!"

Aw, thank you! I'm glad you liked that one! I'm a beach bum at heart. :-)

She's not saying anything like that! She's saying she isn't familiar with Marvel or anything similar so she doesn't feel she can give great feedback for you. She is also saying maybe you could keep trying to work on expressing emotions. She thinks maybe you could try to express them more clearly.

PinkLoki(Shine) RULER OF: CrimsonPeak, Asgard, Jotunheim, Midgard, AvengersTower wrote: "Wait, are you saying that my Marvel FanFictions aren't good enough? I put emotions in there and that's not good enough?"

I didn't read any such implication in Masi's feedback. If you can't take the constructive criticism offered--especially after you asked for it--then you don't need to ask for the feedback in the first place. Shine, please remember that we are all growing writers here. Writing is an art and a skill that we each desire to hone; otherwise, we wouldn't be here! :-) If Masi, as a reader, thought the emotions didn't come across, then you, as the writer, might consider finding more ways to make your intentions come through to the reader. Instead of finding offense, search for ways to get better. Also, take the feedback in strides. What one reader sees, many others may not and vise versa.

Either way, this is a group of friends and, though debate is allowed, insult will not be tolerated. Be cautious in your responses that they don't become insulting to the others in this group who have given their time to help you become a better writer.

No, it's my fault that my writings aren't as good I see them...
I'll just start over on them...

PinkLoki(Shine) RULER OF: CrimsonPeak, Asgard, Jotunheim, Midgard, AvengersTower wrote: "I didn't insult anyone."

Shine, I never said you did insult anyone. But I do want to be clear that you need to be careful that you don't. Your comment came off as a little aggressive, whether you meant it that way or not. Therefore, you do need to be careful in the future.

Masi [That's my name] (S.B.QP) wrote: "Yeah. And I shouldn't have added the emotions comment since it seemed like an introduction mostly or a summary of the plot."

Masi, there is no need to renege on your feedback. Shine has asked for feedback multiple times and your comment was in no way malicious. Even if it was an introduction, you took the time to type out your thoughts for the author. That's more than most readers do and this group is specifically designed for writers to get better through peer feedback.

Coralie wrote: "PinkLoki(Shine) RULER OF: CrimsonPeak, Asgard, Jotunheim, Midgard, AvengersTower wrote: "I didn't insult anyone."

Shine, I never said you did insult anyone. But I do want to be clear that you need..."

I did? I didn't mean to. I'm sorry.

PinkLoki(Shine) RULER OF: CrimsonPeak, Asgard, Jotunheim, Midgard, AvengersTower wrote: "No, it's my fault that my writings aren't as good I see them...
I'll just start over on them..."

Sometimes it's easy for us writers to hold our writing in higher esteem than others see them, but I think that's perfectly natural! We defend our work so vigorously because we put so much of ourselves into it. Someone once told me to make sure I don't take negative feedback or constructive criticism personally. It's not an attack on my person, just a remark on my writing. :-) Sometimes that's easier said than done. But, as I've said many times, we are all here to grow better. Writing is something that can always be improved.

To be honest, I was looking forward for Positive feedbacks, but I didn't say that, so that was my fault there. Negative ones are hard to get through.

That is true. Sometimes negative feedback is hard to swallow, but I think the key is that we, when we provide feedback, need to be sure to do so in a kind manner. Providing negative feedback, or constructive criticism, is how we know we need to get better. If we don't know there's a problem, we can't fix it. That said, I always ALWAYS try to provide both something positive and encouraging as well as something that can be improved. I know exactly what it's like to lose confidence and I would never wish that on any writer, but as I've grown older, I've gained more confidence in my writing as well as grown better at it. You should have seen some of my older stuff! *Cringe!!!* XD

(I'm late, but meh)
I actually prefer getting negative feedback, actually! If all anyone said was that your work was amazing, and pointed out all the good things in it, it's impossible to improve. You'll keep writing the same, and no one would ever tell you how you could improve. When you get negative feedback though, you can reflect on if that person has a basis on what they're saying, and if you actually struggle with that. My writing has actually improved drastically in the past year because I had a friend who didn't dance around with words, and told me exactly what I could do to improve.
Negative feedback might not always make you feel the best. In fact, whenever I get heavily criticized on a work, I feel crummy for a while and sometimes even get a little angry. But I've tried lately to put that energy towards my writing instead to improve it the best that I can.

That's so true! And way to go on the change of outlook! Though it isn't always my go-to, I'd much rather be a glass half full girl.

Are my writings getting a little better or does it need more work?

Masi [That's my name] (S.B.QP) wrote: "I like the one when you said it was an excerpt from a soon-to-be-series!"

Yes, I'm planning on making series. It's not the first time I made story series.

I would like some too, I posted what I've written so far on the thread.

Would you link me to your entry or are you going to post it on the thread?

Here we go :)

"He stood in the flowers which danced around her father specifically." What do you mean "specifically?" I feel like it doesn't fit here.

"He yelled again and she continued dancing and then stopped." This sounds odd, maybe something like "finished her final move."

"He then took his hand and lifted her head up" Confusing.

"Your amazing. Your" Should be "You're."

"Follow your dreams and pursuit it" pursue them?

"Lucia's heart filled with the sweetness her father told her." This sentence is confusing. Is she happy because her father is praising her?

"Tears were flowing down Lucia's cheeks which itched her" Maybe "Itchy tears were flowing down.."

"Her father went away before her eyes" Disappeared may work better in this clause.

"contrary on how," I would replace "on" with "to."

"Her face was right next to the ends of the toilet" I would make "ends" singular.

"She thought in her mind" All thoughts are in your mind.

"teased and commented about," I would add prepositions so that it says "Teased her and commented on."

"which Lucia grabbed." I think it would fit better if you put "which Lucia then grabbed."

"Lunch will end any moment you idiot!" Try "at any moment." Also, how did she know that? Does she have a watch on her?

"She scurried from the floor" This doesn't make sense.

"She was worried to go early since she had problems in the past with not getting to classes on time." Why would she be worried about being early if she was often late?

"Lucia ran into the halls to find it empty." To find them empty.

"this is not exceptional" Try "acceptable."

"She finished and pointed to a seat in the back where Lucia rushed to" Try "which Lucia.."

Overall, I liked the story, but the grammar could use a bit of work. You jumped around in the past and present tenses a lot, and there were many mistakes like the ones listed above. I would suggest reading through it again and looking for mistakes :)

I hope this helps!

Masi [Hey Hey Hey] (S.B.QP) wrote: "Catherine wrote: "Here we go :)

"He stood in the flowers which danced around her father specifically." What do you mean "specifically?" I feel like it doesn't fit here.

"He yelled again and she c..."

You're welcome :) They're mostly small mistakes that even the best of us writers make on occasion.

Oh, Masi! I can't find the thread where you asked about titles! But I liked the last two, I remember. And there was one I liked more than the other, but I don't remember what the options were!

Oh, yeah! I liked Painted Dreams the best. I'm reading the story now with specific feedback to come!

Masi [Hey Hey Hey] (S.B.QP) wrote: "Catherine wrote: "Here we go :)

"He stood in the flowers which danced around her father specifically." What do you mean "specifically?" I feel like it doesn't fit here.

"He yelled again and she c..."

I loved the story behind it. The scene of her dream was emotional in just the right places. When you realize her father has died, it really hits home because of the dream. I really think it will be an amazing story with a little work :)

I would like some feedback on what I have so far also, please. :) It's in spoilers on the June Writing Competition thread.

I'm a bit unsure of how to continue and would like some advice on the plot.

Hmm thank you for the advice. I don't think I'll use it exactly but it's helpful for ideas ^.^

This was the original plan but I don't like it as much now :(
(view spoiler)[
~Jade sneaks out to a field of flowers not far from the town sometimes to escape, in danger of being captured and disappearing.
~She brings her friend Opal eventually.
~She is caught with Opal, but takes the blame off Opal and all onto herself.
~She has her memory erased and her appearance modified and is sent back to the people as someone else.
~Opal spreads the word that Jade was captured and about the field
~The people rebel
(hide spoiler)]

Okay: Masi

First off, I adore your opening sentence. The imagery was so vivid and just beautiful!!!! Wonderful opening line!

Now, on to the notes:

"Her father clapped and cheered Lucia on as she danced and jumped in the air doing new moves she learned in ballet." This is strictly a personal preference, but I really don't like "doing." Personally, I'd choose a more descriptive word here, such as "performing." Additionally, you might consider adding a "had" between "she learned" and possibly a "class" or "lessons" after ballet.

"He stood in the flowers which danced around her father." I like the image here, but the pronouns are inconsistent. It should just be "which danced around him." Since "he" is the subject, it is unnecessary, and even confusing, to say "her father."

LOVE the "ruby colored roses"!!!!! Pay attention to how vivid an image that produces. The color is exact; it's clear and there's no mistaking what you, the author, intend here. Several spots I've seen so far (which I will mention as I reread them) are unclear or vague. Use this same level of specificity throughout your piece and all your writing!

"...in the air she saw the high mountains..." This implies that the mountains are in the air, not her. If this is your intention, great; if not, you need to clarify. Perhaps use something along the lines of "...and while in the air, she saw..." Personally, I'd also stop the sentence after mountains and start the next clause as a new sent. (changing "that" to "They" if you choose to do this.)

"Lucia did ballet..." Again, not a very specific action word. Lucia "performed" ballet; Lucia "danced" ballet; etc. Choose a specific verb. Did is vague. Same thing later on in the sent. "...he encouraged her to do..." "Do" isn't specific. (Also probably want to add something like "he had encouraged her" or "he had been the one to encourage her" etc.) Did he encourage her to "dance" or to "pursue" or "learn" or "practice" ballet or what? Find a specific verb. Do is taking the easy way out and it's so vague that it detracts from the story.

Next sent, final clause: "...which she liked doing since her father cheered for her louder when she did it...." This is...an awkward phrase. You could make it a new sent or you could just reword the clause. Something like this might be less wordy or awkward: "for which her father cheered louder" or "which she liked because of her father's loud cheers" etc. Does this make sense?

Sidenote: "hermosa angel" should actually be "angel hermoso." Angel in Spanish (which is what I assume you are using) is a masculine noun, first off, regardless of whom the description is being directed toward. Secondly, the adj comes after the noun in the Spanish language. Also, same sent. you have three different things going on, three different sub/v. May want to consider breaking that apart or rewording it so it's not so...run-on-y.

"His grip was tight in the hug which made it more passionate." Okay, this is super awkward phrasing. Think of a way to reword it, using adjectives to cut down a little bit. For example, "His tight grip made the embrace/hug more passionate." Use active voice instead of passive and "in the hug" is not honestly necessary since you stated there was hugging in the previous sent.

"Listen my Princesa..." Personal preference, again, but you may want to change "my" to "mi" to be consistent with the Spanish terms of endearment. Also, "princesa" should be lower case because of the pronoun before it. Without "my," then "princess" is a proper noun, and thus should be capitalized. With it, however, it's just a common noun, no caps. Oh, and you don't need a comma after the end quote there.

"Your just like your mother..." should be "you're" for "you are." Then you go on to say "and can do even better." You should either reiterate the "you can do even better" to justify the comma, or get rid of the comma.

"Follow your dreams and pursue it." "It" isn't specific. Pursue what? Pursue your dreams? In that case, "it" should be "them" and "pursue them" would be unnecessary because it is redundant.

"He said and Lucia's heart did a flip because of her father's praises." This is also a little awkward. But I think an easy fix is just to get rid of "he said," especially since you used that earlier in the paragraph anyway, so again, it is unnecessary and redundant.

"See you again" comma "my blossom." Next sent, again, three different ideas and sub/v going on. Run on. Personally, I'd cut it after "kissed her." Then start a new paragraph since you have a new idea to present. Maybe add a transitional word like "Suddenly" or something? Up to you. Next sent "that much" is weird here. Maybe something that implicates more of a fade out or...? I don't know. It would make more sense to say "as well" or something like that. Next sent. you used "look" twice. Repetitive. Change it up.

"Itchy tears were flowing down which she didn't feel it with all the emotions erupting in her heart at once." Mm, okay, so a few things here. 1. "Itcy tears" is...odd. Tear streaks causing an itch is not an odd idea, but the phrase is odd, if that makes sense. 2. "Were flowing" is passive. Find a way to reword this so it is active instead. 3. "It" What does "it" refer to? The tears? Then it should be "them." Furthermore, the "which" should be "but" or "however" some form of negative conjunction. I like "erupting"! :-D Very descriptive!

"eyes" comma "and Lucia."

"Papa!" She yelled" "she" should be lower case.

Overall, really nice beginning! I'll have to come back later for the rest.

Masi [Hey Hey Hey] (S.B.QP) wrote: "Coralie wrote: "Okay: Masi

First off, I adore your opening sentence. The imagery was so vivid and just beautiful!!!! Wonderful opening line!

Now, on to the notes:

"Her father clapped and cheered..."

Oh no! I understood a lot of it! I just haven't finished the story yet. :-)

Masi [Hey Hey Hey] (S.B.QP) wrote: "Coralie wrote: "Okay: Masi

First off, I adore your opening sentence. The imagery was so vivid and just beautiful!!!! Wonderful opening line!

Now, on to the notes:

"Her father clapped and cheered..."

It's ok, Masi, I felt the same way. That's why I'm still fixing my stories.

Catherine:

I really really like your idea so far! I like that you've set up a world all your own. And, I actually really like your original idea too. Masi, you're ideas were neat too, and that definitely would have been a twist. But I think I like the simplicity of Catherine's original idea more.

Catherine, I did wonder how Jade got back into the house since she was "locked out" according to the speaker/rules/etc. Also, you had a whole lot of "well"s in the beginning. Is there any way to trim that down so it isn't so repetitive? Also, here "was instilled into every child." I think a colon would suit you better here because you state the rule directly afterward.

"all the children had some time to play" This may just be me, but "some" time to play sounded...weird to me.

I can't wait to see where you take this!

Coralie wrote: "Catherine:

I really really like your idea so far! I like that you've set up a world all your own. And, I actually really like your original idea too. Masi, you're ideas were neat too, and that de..."

Thank you :) (For the compliments and advice)

I'm at a standstill on what to put next in my story if someone has time to take a look at it with me.

Hey, Catherine! Send me a message and I'd love to see if I can help at all!

My original stories please. (I know I've completed them, but I'm looking over them again.)

NOT the FanFictions.

Masi (Known as geekyfreakyscientist or Masi [Hey HeyHey]) wrote: "Do you mind if I gave feedback to you, or you want somebody else?"

Sure. I've had help from CB Cook on one story question. And I've had feedback/help from Laura before. Both of them did those so kindly.

But I need more. I feel like. I'm missing something.

Masi (Known as geekyfreakyscientist or Masi [Hey HeyHey]) wrote: "Okay, where do you want me to start?"

Right now, I'm slowly putting Shine's secrets into the series. I started off slowly in the chapters. As you can see I made a separate book just for Shine's secrets/pasts from my dreams. Now, I'm still trying to figure out her top (deep and dark) secrets without making it sounding like a fool.

Thanks! That's why I have to write or type it all while it's still fresh in my mind and sometimes they come back to my mind to see what I've missed.