This group has been designated for adults age 18 or older. Please sign in and confirm your date of birth in your profile so we can verify your eligibility. You may opt to make your date of birth private.
Blazing Readers & Wordy Writers discussion
Wordy Writers
>
Feedback
date
newest »
newest »
I know it's a little rushed, but it gives you a good idea of my style and I'd appreciate any feedback.
Mod
Mod
Mod
Mod
On the Phone is a very good poem. I like the choppiness of which I read it in, and the emotion was conveyed fairly well. It seemed like a story told in a general way, which I like. Well..."
Thank you :)
Catherine and the Artful Dodger thank you for your feedback. I will see what I can do about the awkwardness, I have noticed it as well.
Catherine wrote: "I would love some feedback on my latest poem :) I really... felt this one and I want to know how well the emotion was conveyed."I really enjoyed the poem and was very impressed with the way you were able to convey the emotion and get your story across with such few words. I agree with the GeekyFreakyScientist in that the choppiness, something I've found can easily overpower a poem, was very tastleful and added to the poem as a whole without taking away from the reading experience.
If there was one thing I would change it would be the lines
"The feelings I felt,
I felt about to melt."
I felt (pun not intended) that they were a bit rushed and on the verge of being to choppy.
But that is simply my opinion, do with it what you like. I think overall it was a great poem. :)
Mod
I really enjoyed the poem and was very impressed ..."
Thank you :) Rereading those lines it does feel a bit off to me.
Mod
"The feelings I felt,
Feelings like I would melt."?
Still too choppy? :)
I think that is better, but again I'm just one opinion. It's poetry and poetry is meant to be about conveying something regardless of form or grammer or all those other things we have to worry about in text writing. Do what ever you feel is right and don't let anyone else's opinion override your own.
#TessasLifeLesson
Mod
Mod
I quite enjoyed this piece! It was quite well-done and made me laugh aloud more than once. I admire your ability to show Rodger's growing affection for Coraline while still remaining subtle about it. I think only two things could have been written better:
The line "without drawing much unnatural attention to himself," sounded awkward to me. It may only be me, but I thought a better adjective could have been used than unnatural.
The quarreling near the end of the story felt long to me. I think it could have been shorter and more to the point. I enjoyed it for a bit and then started to feel like it was dragging on.
I thought I'd include two of my favorite lines for you as well:
"'You see me as sane?'"
"'Normally, this is the part where Elizabeth, the non-teenager mind you, says something quippy and cutting. Perhaps if you try it, I can help by finishing my check list.'" *
*I assume you know quippy is not a real word. You got your point across despite this, however. I knew what you meant.
I'm good at making up words... Cora usually catches most of them, but I snuck that one in :D *proud face*P.S. Thank you so much for the review!
Mod
Thank you sooo much, Catherine!! I'm so glad you thought it was funny! And thanks for the feedback on the length of the fighting too. Ahem, *glares* Melissa...XD
Mod
Thank you sooo much, Catherine!! I'm so glad you thought it was funny! And thanks for the feedback on the length of the fighti..."
Melissa wrote: "I'm good at making up words... Cora usually catches most of them, but I snuck that one in :D *proud face*
P.S. Thank you so much for the review!"
You're welcome! Glad I could help.
Coralie wrote: "I let it slide cause it captured the moment and it was dialogue. ;-) Thank you sooo much, Catherine!! I'm so glad you thought it was funny! And thanks for the feedback on the length of the fighti..."
HEY! You're the one who said let's combine it! I said one or the other XD *Snort*
PinkLoki(Shine) RULER OF: CrimsonPeak, Asgard, Jotunheim, Midgard, AvengersTower wrote: "Thanks! That's why I have to write or type it all while it's still fresh in my mind and sometimes they come back to my mind to see what I've missed."
Plus I'm making changes in stories...
Plus I'm making changes in stories...
Cora- Part two is coming as soon as Melissa gets her brain in gear and writes something. XD <3
Would anyone be willing to critique the first four chapters of Shattered Embers? (Well, three complete chapters, and most of ch. four.)
If so I'll provide a link via PM. :)
If so I'll provide a link via PM. :)
Raevyn wrote: "Would anyone be willing to critique the first four chapters of Shattered Embers? (Well, three complete chapters, and most of ch. four.)If so I'll provide a link via PM. :)"
Sure, I'd love to! What's it about?
It's a science fiction novel about a young mutant whose family hates him because of his powers.
Raevyn wrote: "It's a science fiction novel about a young mutant whose family hates him because of his powers."Oh, cool! I'd love to critique the chapters!
Mod
That’s okay. :) Please tell me when you can!
Mod
I will!
(view spoiler)[It's funny how life can seem endless and wonderful one minute and cold and unforgiving the next. The lake was like that. One second it was full of life and sunshine, and the next it was cold as ice, and swallowed everything it came into contact with. But the boy who stood dripping water at the end of the dock didn't mind.
The boy stood silently watching the moon reflected off the lake's smooth surface. It was December, and the air held a relentless chill, but the boy didn't seem to mind. He simply stood and watched the lake.
A few short minutes before, he had thought the lake beautiful, he had felt that it would give to and take from him everything he needed it. Now he thought it looked menacing in the darkness. He stared intently at the still water, willing it to move, willing the world to change, willing something to be different. But, the water remained still, and the night continued silently.
The boy grew disheartened as time passed. The lake was just as unforgiving as life was, it didn't care nor did it regret what had occurred only moments ago. The boy who for so long looked out upon the lake with a sense of wonder at the lack of care the lake possessed, pushing and pulling everyone on it equaling, and without judgment or preference. The lake didn't care who you were or what you did, it simply was. But, now the boy yearned to look away, yearned not for something that didn't care, but for something that did. But, it was too late. The lake was unforgiving, and a few minutes ago that's what the boy had needed.
The boy raised his ghostly face to the middle of the lake. The boy's hair was matted to his head with water that dripped down his face, but the boy didn't wipe it away, he stayed still. He didn't need to be comforted, he didn't need to be saved, he didn't need help. All he needed was for the lake to do what it does best, and he had got it. Should he not be happy, the boy thought, should he not be thankful to the lake for taking away from him the cause of all his pain, should he not be praising the still water in front of him instead of questioning it? The boy didn't know what to think, he had thought something would have changed, something would be different, and he supposed something was different, he was. He no longer looked upon the lake as his unwavering hero, nor as the cold villain. The lake simply was, and the boy decided it was enough.
The boy turned and strode to the end of the dock. There he stopped and looked out once more upon the lake as if he expected it too say goodbye. Then turning around once more he disappeared.
The lake stood silent at the boys departure, it didn't move, not a single ripple flowed over it's smooth surface. At it's center a small row bat stood alone, no one was inside and slowly, as the sun rose, the lake allowed the boat to move noiselessly back to shore. (hide spoiler)]