Support for Indie Authors discussion

Hello. I'm working on the tagline for my new thriller 'Time Lies' and I'd love to hear from you, see which you prefer. If you have any better ideas they're also cool, of course
Because I'm hoping for a line that can go either above or below the title on the cover, I want to avoid connectives.

Okay, without further ado, which tag do you like best -
Time Lies
a) Only the first killing was accidental
b) You can fool some people always
or
c) The past is only part of the story

thanks for voting!

A. All the way. It grabs

Number one it's more specific as to what I would get.

I prefer A but I think there should be a better way to say it.
Something like Accidental only applies to the first time.

Definitely not B. It makes me feel that the author thinks he can fool me.

C is not bad, but I don't get what it means. It sounds like there will be a lot of reminiscence of the past and you apologize in advance.

If you go with all three as is, A by far.

thanks for the great feedback.

Somebody on facebook just suggested I drop the 'only' from a
How about
'The first kill was accidental'
?

It would be an improvement, yes. :)

could you say something like "The next kill won't be a mistake" instead of using the word accident?

Kent wrote: "could you say something like "The next kill won't be a mistake" instead of using the word accident?"

hmmm - I like it. Thanks

I don't like the word accident or accidental. What about "the first killing was a mistake" or "the first killing was out of character" or "the first killing created a desire?"

Tony wrote: "I don't like the word accident or accidental. What about "the first killing was a mistake" or "the first killing was out of character" or "the first killing created a desire?""

you and Kent seem to agree on not liking the word 'accident'. May I ask why? Is it one of those things or is there an explanation? I'm curious :)

Good question. "Accident" sounds like something that the character didn't mean to do. Like, he hit a random person with his car. "Mistake," on the other hand implies that he was either told to kill the wrong person or killed someone that has resulted in him being in a lot of trouble. The point being that he intended to do it from the beginning, but it turned out to be a mistake.

Kent wrote: "Good question. "Accident" sounds like something that the character didn't mean to do. Like, he hit a random person with his car. "Mistake," on the other hand implies that he was either told to kill..."

well, in that case I guess I can stick with 'accident' as that's exactly what happens in the book, I mean he does something with malicious intent without wanting to actually kill at that point...
I wasn't sure if you had reservations about the word for cosmetic or aesthetic reasons

I like A but I agree that the phrasing is slightly off. I think the word accident is fine, it's the "killing/accidental" phrasing which is too passive voice. Better to say "Only the first murder was an accident" or "only the first murder was a mistake" (alliteration!) or "Only the first death was an accident."

C.L. wrote: "I like A but I agree that the phrasing is slightly off. I think the word accident is fine, it's the "killing/accidental" phrasing which is too passive voice. Better to say "Only the first murder wa..."

I likes :)
How about
'Only the first kill was unintentional'
?

Mistake would be wrong. It would mean that the first crime committed was indeed what started it all and the perpetrators would regret it. Someone would make sure they'd pay. At least, that is how I would see it.

G.G. wrote: "Mistake would be wrong. It would mean that the first crime committed was indeed what started it all and the perpetrators would regret it. Someone would make sure they'd pay. At least, that is how I..."

...and you wouldn't be wrong to think that. Without going too much into the plot, my reluctant serial killer does indeed regret the first accidental killing. But it doesn't stop him... ;)

Not a big fan of "unintentional." Too many syllables for a slogan and it's not a very strong word.

Does the word "only" have to be used?

I like the idea of implying the future. "Next time it won't be an accident" or "Next time there will be no mistake."

Kent wrote: "Not a big fan of "unintentional." Too many syllables for a slogan and it's not a very strong word.

Does the word "only" have to be used?

I like the idea of implying the future. "Next time it won'..."

Hi Kent. I don't want to repeat the word 'time' as the title is 'Time Lies'. Of course I could do
'The next kill won't be an accident/accidental/unintentional' (minus the latter in your case). Does that work for you?

ok, I see what you mean. the next kill won't be an accident/mistake works for me.

Kent wrote: "ok, I see what you mean. the next kill won't be an accident/mistake works for me."

swell :) - many thanks for your feedback

You're welcome. Good luck with the book!

Kent wrote: "You're welcome. Good luck with the book!"

thank you kindly - I'll need it

I have nothing against accident. In fact, I like it better than mistake for some reason.
"Only the first death was an accident" or some such sounds great.

Denae wrote: "I have nothing against accident. In fact, I like it better than mistake for some reason.
"Only the first death was an accident" or some such sounds great."

thanks Denae. As it stands it's
The first kill was an accident.

Now I'm pondering whether to add.
'The first kill was an accident. But he learnt fast.'

Better or worse?

For what it's worth, after reading thru the comments from where you started to your last post, I think "The first kill was an accident" is a strong place to land. I would like that more than if you added the second line. I think adding that second line waters down the first. If you wanted to slightly modify it, one option is you could switch to "His first kill was an accident..." but I really like "The first kill was an accident."

If it fits, here's a suggestion:

You can fool some people always,
but only the first killing was an accident.

or

You can fool some people always...
But only the first killing was an accident.

The first kill was an accident, but the next one won't....

Too bad it's long :(

thank you all once again for the feedback.
@Ken - initially I really liked the 'You can fool some people always'-line, especially because it fits in with the title. Until just now, however, I seemed to be in the lone minority ;). Both here and on f/b where I tried out the various lines, the consents seems to be to go with the 'first kill' line.
And I agree with @G.G. and @Truant that shorter is sweeter...
Assuming then that for now the tag is 'The first kill was an accident' - what do you think of the following as blurb:

short -
‘Time Lies’ is a darkly comic, devious thriller set in the recent past in a small village in northern Germany. A reluctant serial killer realises he has been murdering the wrong people. He is about to set the error right

Well, let's leave it at the short version for now as the long one is reeeeaaaallllyyy long...

Magnus wrote: "thank you all once again for the feedback.
@Ken - initially I really liked the 'You can fool some people always'-line, especially because it fits in with the title. Until just now, however, I seeme..."

Hello Magnus,

Here is a tweaked version as food for thought: "'Time Lies' is a devious comic thriller. Set in northern Germany, a reluctant serial killer realizes he is murdering all the wrong neighbors in his small village. It's time for the right people to die..."

the last line could also still be your "He is about to set the error right" or "That is about to change" etc.

Truant. Thanks for that. I notice you dropped the bit about the book taking place in the 'recent past'. In fact, and you couldn't have know this of course, the time frame of the book is very important to the plot. I don't know whether to stress this or not in the blurb, but the largest part of the book is set during the Cold War year, in the 1980s. Maybe it's time to add the larger version, at least my draft of it.
Here goes
Eschershausen, Northern Germany, 1982. The Cold War rages quietly in a divided country.
Karl wakes up in an unknown room. He is a captive. He remembers growing up on the other side of the Iron Curtain where he has informed on people and caused heartbreak.
The thing with Karl is, he chose to become prisoner in the room
Albert is the more popular of two identical twins. His life is perfect until an accident kills his young son and beautiful wife. Now he sits in a wheelchair and contemplates the ultimate Catholic sin: suicide
Dagmar was a foundling on the steps of the local church and has grown into a young woman with an innate talent for photography. She also has a ferocious appetite – and it’s not for food. One day she becomes Albert's clandestine lover
Tobias is the other twin, the also-ran who never seems to get a break. Still, he excels at impersonating Albert, even takes a mistress on his brother’s behalf.
Tobias does less well when it comes to killing. It takes him years to work out who the real enemy is. But he is a consequent man.
Four people, four different stories. At one point they merge, obviously. Or maybe they merged years ago

Any thoughts?

Magnus wrote: "Truant. Thanks for that. I notice you dropped the bit about the book taking place in the 'recent past'. In fact, and you couldn't have know this of course, the time frame of the book is very import..."

What if you did this (or something similar...)? Again - just offering to give you something to bounce your own thoughts off of:

"A reluctant serial killer realizes he is killing all the wrong people in his small village. It's time for the right people to die.

Time Lies is a devious comic thriller. It's the recent past in northern Germany. Four people. Four different stories. One murderer. Their lives will converge. Or perhaps they already have..."

Obviously I don't know if there is only one murderer, just tossed it in for cadence.

Truant wrote: "Magnus wrote: "Truant. Thanks for that. I notice you dropped the bit about the book taking place in the 'recent past'. In fact, and you couldn't have know this of course, the time frame of the book..."

I do like your ideas, Truant. You shortened it succinclty, and it needed that. I have a slight issue with a couple of turns of phrase as they imply that the tone of the book is more comical than it actually is. Obviously you couldn't have known that.
The manuscript is now with my editor who came up with some of the following (and I think you both basically concurr - and so do I, btw :). Her great insight is that I should market the book almost like a historical crime novel (rather than a thriller) for which there is an established niche market.
btw - your one-murderer assumption and cadence throw-in are spot on!

'In ‘Time Lies’, a devious mystery-thriller set in Cold War Germany, a reluctant serial killer realises he has been murdering the wrong people. But there is hope for him yet.'