The Sword and Laser discussion

I have no idea if this is the right place -- but I need your expertise in crafting a compelling description for the back cover.

Would you be interested in this book? And what could make it better?

SUMMARY:

The Agben School stood for a thousand years in the city of Missea. A mysterious place with one gated entrance, it doled out knowledge secretly and selectively.

And now Marra stood at its gate.

Behind her a vast conspiracy, a looming race war, and traitors scouring the city for her. The city itself was in turmoil over a murdered prince – and Marra had discovered him alive and living in disguise with her gamesmen band. A man she’d trusted, a man who’d lied to them all.

Her only hope lay in Agben’s opening its gates to her.

Through luck and a chance encounter, she gained entrance. Soon, however, she’d come to realize that study in the herbal school was not as safe as she’d dreamed. For the heart of the conspiracy may well beat not outside the gates, but within.

And Marra held the key to its victory.


Any thoughts are much appreciated.

cheers!
- Jo

Hmm, I like it but I'm thinking there is maybe a little too much info given in such a way that is more confusing than intriguing.

This mysterious school teaches herbs? It's selective yet she tricks her way in?

Gamesmen band is what? How long has this prince been missing that he managed to gain her trust and lose it, yet the city is still in turmoil over his disappearance?

Victory over what? Who's fighting over what? And why? What side are we rooting for, if any?

Why are they after her? For all we know she's just some random person...?

I'd keep the focus on Marra, the main character.

***
Heartbroken, running for her life from unknown enemies, Marra stood before the single gate of the mysterious Agben School of Missea and prayed.

Would she find sanctuary and healing peace within? Or would she discover the political turmoil that had torn apart her world infiltrating even these hallowed walls?

Though all she wants is to escape and hide, Marra must use all her cunning to survive long enough to become the hero her people are waiting for.
***

That's my two cents. Feel free to disregard ;)

Michele - I really appreciate the feedback. For some reason writing a description of a book is the hardest thing for me.

Bless you for helping out!

I agree that it's more confusing than intriguing too. Also the wording is really weird. My two cents would be to read a lot of book jacket summaries of good books and see how they handled the challenge. I'm not saying to copy them of course but you should be able to critique what makes it successful or not and use what you learned to make a stronger back-cover summary.

Thank you, Keidy. I'm probably getting hung up on the fact that it's a second in a series. I'm assuming the reader knows a few things -- and I can't do that.

Really appreciate your feedback.

Ah, second book in a series! That makes more sense. But still I think you should write it for people who haven't read the first, yet make it clear it's a second book. Something like,

After surviving the initial uproar after the disappearance of Prince Whozit (1st book title), Marra now finds herself....

In a blurb, you are not trying to tell a story, you are trying to sell a story. Don't say she did this and then that and this happened. Don't summarize the entire book. If your novel is a movie, then this is the poster. Pick a dramatic moment that best represents the entire book give us just enough exposition to whet the appetite. And yes, it is hard because it's marketing, not creative writing. It's a different set of writing muscles.

Also, you give away too much. Telling us that she gets in the school and that there's a conspiracy within kills any dramatic tension. You're giving spoilers for your own book. Obviously I haven't read the book, but I would pick the moment that she discovers the prince alive and what drives her to seek sanctuary (unless that's in the first book), then hint that the school is not what it seems. My two cents, and good luck.

Thanks Sean -- and Michele. I'll get back to work :)

Sean wrote: "In a blurb, you are not trying to tell a story, you are trying to sell a story. Don't say she did this and then that and this happened. Don't summarize the entire book. If your novel is a movie, then this is the poster. Pick a dramatic moment that best represents the entire book give us just enough exposition to whet the appetite. And yes, it is hard because it's marketing, not creative writing. It's a different set of writing muscles."

That's probably why the wording was so strange to me! And you're right, it's not about writing a story. That part of the book is purely about marketing and getting the person to buy the book. A pretty cover can only do so much. Seriously, what Sean said. ^_^

I think the imagery of standing at the gate of the school is strong. You could use that as the first sentence tag, then find a way to just consolidate, simplify, and add excitement to the rest of the paragraph. Even in this form though sounds like an interesting story!

Janet, bless you. I just got the cover -- the artist chose to use the gate. That's probably why I was focusing on it.

It definitely sounds like an interesting book but I agree with Michele that the blurb tells too much.

To follow on Janet's idea and using what you already have but shorter, what do you think of this?



"The Agben School has stood for a thousand years. A [mysterious place]/[towering building]/[huge sandstone edifice] with just one gated entrance, it doled out knowledge secretly and selectively.

And now Marra stood at its gate.

Behind her a past threatening to kill her, a [friend/lover/man/prince] she had to leave behind and a life in tatters. Before her a gate, still locked ... and her only hope.

Even if through luck or chance she can gain entrance, she may come to realize that studying in the secretive herbal school is no safe haven."



The stuff in square brackets was just placeholders/suggestions for some short phrases that make your ideas more concrete.

Greatly appreciated, Alan. Yes - that is better.

I'm working furiously on getting these descriptions done as my deadline looms. Closer, but not done yet. For me, for some reason, this is the hardest part.

Will probably post again -- and certainly make use of your insight.

- Jo

Hi all -

Okay, here's a new draft. And thank you all for your insight -- I really appreciate it.

- Jo


Agben had stood for a thousand years. A mysterious school housing more than students, it was the seat of the powerful Women of Agben, and the center for harnessing the potency of herbs. Few knew how dominant that was, or what other things transpired within the walls.

And now Marra stood at its gate.

Friends and support stripped from her, the fragile life she’d built for herself now lay in tatters. And the source of this evil hunted her like a deer culled from the herd.

The gateway before her was her only hope.

For as the city itself crumbled, all depended not on a prince trying to save his people, nor the valiant men who’d brought them this far.

Everything depended on finding a magic powder in the vaults of Agben itself.

Everything depended on her.

Yes, definitely - that back panel would work on me :)

I very much liked the phrase "like a deer culled from the herd."

Alan, thanks!

You have no idea how much this helps me. For some reason, telling what I wrote is much harder than writing it in the first place :)

I liked it much better also. Definitely catches my interest now.

Much better. Two quick notes: Saying Agben in the first two sentences feels repetitive. Perhaps tighten up the text; not every line needs to be its own paragraph.

Appreciated, Michele and Sean.

If anyone who commented above (that's anywhere above, on either the first or second draft) would like a copy of this book, or the first in the series, The Birr Elixir, just let me know. It's the least I can do to thank you. (The Agben School is still two months away before I can give it to you.)

Again, thank you everyone.

- Jo