UK Amazon Kindle Forum discussion

http://www.knowable.com/a/dumbfounded...

Got any of your own to share?

Well, there was the "engineer" I was with once to examine the butt end of an unexploded mortar shell sticking out of the ground next to a highway. He kicked it and pronounced, "It's inert." Once my heart returned from my throat to my chest, I responded, "Thank fucking God!"

Aaaargh! Probably, but none I want to think of ever again!

I've had the 'What language do you speak..." one.

I had an American insist that Ottawa couldn't be the capital of Canada as it was in the states.

Yes, this person was a school teacher.

Patti (baconater) wrote: "I had an American insist that Ottawa couldn't be the capital of Canada as it was in the states.

Yes, this person was a school teacher."

Must have been thinking of this place.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ottawa,_Illinois

I once had a student nurse in the car with me as I was doing my rounds, as she was doing her District Nursing module. As we were approaching a a junction, my car tyres rumbled over some newly painted, yellow, diagonal lines. She remarked on these yellow lines and pondered what they were there for. I jokingly replied that the noise warned blind motorists that they were approaching a junction! "What a good idea" came the reply!!!

I was sailing in Wales and the first mate and went ashore in Menai Bridge to get some shopping. While we were waiting with two trollies-full of victuals outside the supermarket for a taxi, I perused the road signs in Welsh and English, and pondered, unfortunately out loud, on why that particular road marking wasn't translad into English too.
"Which one?" queried the first mate.
I pointed out the one that read
BAN
GOR
and realised simultaneously that that specific lane was for traffic for Bangor.
The first mate couldn't wait to get back aboard to gleefully inform the rest of the crew about my completely understandable misunderstanding.

A friend's young son was messing about and being a nuisance.
Friend to son: "Stop it."
Friend to my husband: "He's such an actor."
My husband to friend's son: "Are you a thespian?"
Son to my husband: "No. I'm a Sagittarius."

love it :-)

Jan wrote: "A friend's young son was messing about and being a nuisance.
Friend to son: "Stop it."
Friend to my husband: "He's such an actor."
My husband to friend's son: "Are you a thespian?"
Son to my husban..."

Fabulous!

absolutely fabulous :-)

We have a landline home phone in addition to our mobiles. I love it every time my wife calls the home phone and the first thing she asks me is, "Are you home?"

I had a telephone conversation with a customer in work.
Me: What's your surname?
Him: Spacey.
Me (unsure if he'd said Spacey or Stacey): Spacey? As in Kevin?
Him: No. Gareth.
I laughed so much I had to pass the phone to a colleague to finish the call.

There must be a book in this thread :)

I was out with a group of friends having dinner. One of the couples had brought their young son who was being a bit of a nuisance to put it kindly. He informed us that he was a really good magician and did anyone have any requests. My friend replied yes, make yourself disappear.

I keep getting calls like this:

Me: hello
silence.
Me again: hello?
Electronic female voice: Goodbye.
Me: what? YOU rang Me?
Click. Dialling tone.

I think it's robots from the future trying to get in contact with orders for Donald Trump but they've got the wrong number.

we get them

I get people phoning me just to play background office noise at me. I find it quite soothing - makes me feel like I'm working in a big office once again, especially if I put it on speaker. Sadly they seem to hang up before I can get back to my desk (the landline phone is actually in another room. If real people want to talk to me, they know my mobile number!)

Maybe I should compile a CD: Best Of Office Noise Phone Calls. I'm sure it'd be a Christmas hit . . .

M.T. wrote: "I keep getting calls like this:

Me: hello
silence.
Me again: hello?
Electronic female voice: Goodbye.
Me: what? YOU rang Me?
Click. Dialling tone.


I think it's robots from the future trying to g..."

That reminded me of this - still funny after all this time and from 2 of my favourite comedians!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Cbn7...

I love Billy Connolly and Kenny Everett.

Tim, I get those as well.
Jim, so do my parents, they rang me there today.

Many years ago, three police officers came to my workplace and asked to see Roger Jackson (my name). Someone told me they were waiting by the front door.

I went up to them and asked, "Can I help you?"

They asked to talk to Roger Jackson. I told them that was me. They looked at me for a moment, then looked at each other, and then said, "Sorry to have bothered you," and left.

I never did find out what I was wanted for.

Roger wrote: "Many years ago, three police officers came to my workplace and asked to see Roger Jackson (my name). Someone told me they were waiting by the front door.

I went up to them and asked, "Can I help ..."

That's completely bloody brilliant!

Roger wrote: "Many years ago, three police officers came to my workplace and asked to see Roger Jackson (my name). Someone told me they were waiting by the front door.

I went up to them and asked, "Can I help ..."

I got stopped by the police once in the car. I was driving home quite late -- it was after midnight -- on the Wallingford bypass, and this big police car swoops up, flashing blue lights. So I pull over (as you do), thinking it it was in a hurry to get somewhere, but it swerves in front of me, blocking the road. Two big coppers get out and stride up to the car. So I wind down the window. The copper shines his torch in my face, looks at me, says "Carry on", walks back to his patrol car, turns off the blue light and drives off!

Don't say nothing interesting ever happens to you, Tim! Racing heartbeats, I bet, if only for a second!

I dunno. Tim looks a rather shady character to me.

Only when he's got his sunglasses on, da dum tish!

M.T. wrote: "Only when he's got his sunglasses on, da dum tish!"

And now I need wine.

Tim wrote: "Roger wrote: "Many years ago, three police officers came to my workplace and asked to see Roger Jackson (my name). Someone told me they were waiting by the front door.

I went up to them and asked..."

In my college years we were coming home from a Vicars and Tarts party. The designated driver was sober, the rest of us... not so sober. Anyway apparently there'd been a suspected stolen car of a similar make in the area. So the coppers stop us. Driver winds down the window and the policeman looks in to see: The archangel Gabriel, a transvestite vicar, me in a rather revealing French maid's outfit and someone in a sheet (he was the holy ghost). The poor policeman couldn't stop laughing - but he did ask us if we'd been to a party....

I got stopped in a Peugeot 304 in post party circumstances with 7 people up. Three in the back, two in the boot, one in the front and me. It was a time when people sitting in the boot was allowed so he just ascertained that no, I wasn't drunk even if everyone else was, and sent us on our way. My back lights weren't working well, but I'd turned the defugger on, which, I discovered later, turned everything else off.

Cheers

MTM

I love stories like that, and do remember days when you could sit in the boot

Just a joke - but I think it fits in this section well............

Sharon And Tracy
Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint.
Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."
"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies.
"Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."
The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "Ive had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno."

Hehehe

My colleague, who is rarely short of words, was left speechless when her phone explanation that a response would be forthcoming within 40 days was then met with the question, "And just how long is 40 days?"

Does it include 40 nights? Because that is important... Also, business days or calender days?

........and if it's a Welsh 40 days - it complicates matters even more. 40 days would equal 5 weeks - plus 5 days normally, but the Welsh word for "Week" is Wythnos........ now this, literally translated, means eight nights - so that would be 5 weeks each with 8 nights and then and extra 5 days!!!!

That's probably right, Flo.

Darren works in the government.

On holiday in Austria with my husband, who the family call 'Aged', the police were stopping cars randomly. We were stopped and he pulled over.

An extraordinarily handsome blond officer, I mean like I've never seen before, walked up to me and in German asked to see my driving licence. I explained in my best mishmash of German and English that I didn't have one on me because I was not driving the car. He appeared to absorb this, but repeated his question. I resorted to sign language and pointed to the steering wheel in front of Aged. Looking gorgeous, the officer became visibly puzzled and, I explained that my husband had a driving licence but it was at our hotel. He still stood on my side of the car when he said something along the lines of I was not allowed to drive the car without a licence and I would have to get it from my hotel and take it to the police station. Never once did he speak to my husband, nor did he go around to his side of the car.

He then made an inspection of our car, a British marque, as if it were an alien spacecraft, examining the headlights specifically and not what we might have in the boot. To make matters even more weird he asked us to open the bonnet. Presumably he wanted to see the engine. The engine, however, was mid-mounted, so when we opened the bonnet, there was very little to be seen. I enjoyed watching his impassive face.

A colleague wandered over and there was much discussion which I could not follow but suddenly all was well and we were waved on.

To this day I can visualise that blond superman - such a pity he was like our bonnet.

T4bsF (Call me Flo) wrote: "Just a joke - but I think it fits in this section well............

Sharon And Tracy
Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint.
Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them an..."

That's great

Anna Faversham wrote: "On holiday in Austria with my husband, who the family call 'Aged', the police were stopping cars randomly. We were stopped and he pulled over.

An extraordinarily handsome blond officer, I mean li..."

Still laughing at this story. I like it the way it is. If you have understood more German, it would have been some pedestrian complicated piece of administrative trivia.

This is why, when I was already working at a physics lab, I had no interest in the student specimens in the gym. Nice muscles, but what would we ever talk about?

Hells bells, Alicia - you wanted to talk??

Elizabeth wrote: "Hells bells, Alicia - you wanted to talk??"

I'm afraid I'm that kind, Elizabeth. I value men for their intellect. Sue me.

Even the most athletic of couples spends more time with other things to do.

The difference between short-term and long-term, lust and love, I believe...

Elizabeth wrote: "The difference between short-term and long-term, lust and love, I believe..."

I have little interest in short-term, because it induces pretending of a particularly pernicious variety. With no time to form a relationship properly, people become widgets, and all the individual details have to be ignored. I don't get it. And I don't believe it's worth it.

It's actually one of the underlying premises of the novel I've written (first of the PC trilogy). I want long-term for my characters, and short-term is not going to lead to long.

"The difference between short-term and long-term, lust and love, I believe... "

Quote:
Love shouts, love whispers. Only the heart knows the difference.

Jan, love the quote!

Alicia, I agree, the sense of humour is the most important thing, if you both have that a relationship can weather most things. I still get a bit of a frisson when I manage to make McOther laugh. McMini seems to have inherited a love of humour too. Dry, intelligent humour like his dad's :-)

Patti (baconater) wrote: "That's probably right, Flo.

Darren works in the government."

We wouldn't be Brexiting if I did. Especially if I had the keys to the cellars of Parliament.

M.T. wrote: "Jan, love the quote!


Thanks. I'm quoting myself in a blurb :)

Darren wrote: "Patti (baconater) wrote: "That's probably right, Flo.

Darren works in the government."

We wouldn't be Brexiting if I did. Especially if I had the keys to the cellars of Parliament."

Government lackey, then.

M.T. wrote: "Jan, love the quote!

Alicia, I agree, the sense of humour is the most important thing, if you both have that a relationship can weather most things. I still get a bit of a frisson when I manage to..."

So true, M.T.

Laughter - and respect. There are a lot of little things that are irritants when any two people try to live in the same abode; without the good parts, the bad add up too soon.

Certain things act as resets to the annoyance meter. Use them.

I send the better half carefully curated comics from the daily selection - if I know they'll give him a smile.

I send Dave naughty emails. After carefully checking I've not clicked on his work email account.