Our Shared Shelf discussion

Hello everyone! I'm delighted by Angelou's book and I've been thinking about my own mom a little bit more than usual.
Most of what you go through as a kid defines your whole life, and mothers play the most important role.
I was wondering: How is/was your relationship with your mother and how do you think she has influenced the person you are today?

My mother has been there for me all the time and helped me shape the person I am today. Plus, she's my best friend because she's the best.

When my sister was six and I was 1 and 1/2, our mother died, therefore I never got to have a relationship with her and I bare no memory about her as well. Our father never took care of us, neither before nor after our mother's day. Luckily, three aunts of ours took care of us and they took the role of both mothers and fathers. They warned us about every possible danger and taught us crucial values, and always were (and still are) for us. I don't know where me and my sister would be without them.

Billie,

Like you, I have found myself thinking more about my mom and our relationship. We are close and I consider her one of my sounding boards. She is always supportive and an all around positive force in my life if I let the darkness sink in too far. Along with my mom and other female role models in my life, I consider myself a strong woman because of their wisdom. Though these considerations of my strength were never a conscious thought until I went through a major life change 5 years ago. During that time, I spoke with my mom more honestly than I had before because I felt like I had to for survival.
As I read this, I am keeping a box of Kleenex within arms reach. Another thing I am doing is writing quotes down in a journal I have when I read books that I know will impact my life.

Mónica wrote: "My mother has been there for me all the time and helped me shape the person I am today. Plus, she's my best friend because she's the best."

I'm so glad for you and your mom Monica! Healthy relationships are the best

Agustin wrote: "When my sister was six and I was 1 and 1/2, our mother died, therefore I never got to have a relationship with her and I bare no memory about her as well. Our father never took care of us, neither ..."
I'm sorry about your mom, mine also passed away when I was young but I'm lucky enough to have shared beautiful moments with her.
It's so good to hear that life somehow rewarded you with three loving women :)

Emily wrote: "Billie,

Like you, I have found myself thinking more about my mom and our relationship. We are close and I consider her one of my sounding boards. She is always supportive and an all around positi..."

Hello Emily!
From what you wrote it seems like your mother is a beautiful human being, I'm truly happy for you and your relationship with her, and the fact that you are aware of your strength! It's so important to have someone like her
I hope you're doing okay now :)
(I might steal your journal idea)

The beauty in this discussion is found very quickly, and I enjoy that it allows for broadened interpretations of both what it means to love, and have a family. As a mere child myself, my relationship with my mother is quite rocky. I can count on one hand the occasions where I've been without her, and it's even more reassuring to know that she stuck through with me. Thinking about my mother usually entails me with feelings of guilt. Being the eldest, being the definitive wall that struck down her possibility of a fruitful adulthood, feeling the inadequacy when standing next to the woman that birthed me. Just last night I cried because I realized I had missed out on a lot of times where I could've said "I love you." It is mostly the women in my life that have defined who I am, and I feel like I need to express more appreciation. I lament those that have lost your mothers, and urge you all to reconsider what it means to love your family! An affirmation of it only entails three words. Thank you for this thread!

Billie wrote: "Agustin wrote: "When my sister was six and I was 1 and 1/2, our mother died, therefore I never got to have a relationship with her and I bare no memory about her as well. Our father never took care..."

Thanks, Billie. Sorry about your mother, too. Yes, indeed, these are the most important women in my life :)

I always thought that my mother did not love me. I saw her as a split personality: all her love for my sister (5 years older than me), the 'bad' rest for me. I never understood it. And when I was 18 I confronted her with my feelings and she feld sorry, and I think, she also did not understand her behaviour towards me. She died in 2002. Now I have 2 sons: one calm (the older) and one very lively, a little rebel. And now I understand my mother a little bit. It is soo easier to love a tranquil, obedient child than a rebel, a child that says what it wants and what it does not want. I do not remember being a rebel - but I cannot ask her anymore. But I know the trap of 'unfair' love, thanks to my experience. And I keep my eyes open on my behaviour towards both children, giving both my love. And I know now, that you are not a mother on the first place, but a women with all possible and impossible problems and loving your own children is not always 'automatic', sometimes it is also hard work, to discover our love and show it and give it to them - so different they may be.

My mom is the strongest and the most helpful person that i know.
When i come home we can't stop talk together, sing and re-make the World. If we are not far, we don't success to make our own activites. I feel so lucky especially since i really discover my mom after my adolescence and we finally become very close.

I agree that reading this book as a group, and hearing the replies and comments has certainly got me thinking. Like karin, my mother and i had a rocky relationship at best. Fortunately, she lived long enough (92!) And with alzheimers helping her to forget to be angry, we could come to a more oeaceful accord.I came away with lessons learned about what not to do or be. Like, to not stay in a toxic relationship, like to foster self esteem and independance in my own daughters. And very importantly to have a positive outlook on life.
Who knows what our mothers and grandmothers could have done wih their lives and differently impacted their children and therfore, the world, had they been given the freedom of self expression we can now enjoy.
Now that my own daughters are grown, they have set out on their own journeys and have become the kind of women who are honest enough and comfortable enough to let me know what it is they need and want from our relationship now.
One last thought. I wonder how different and maybe better the world might be if children were given the skills, lessons and love they could receive and equally value if their dads were as invested in their upbringing? I know some men who are dads like that.
Fortunately vivian had the unbridled, unconventional love that could help to give the world maya angelou!

Billie wrote: "Hello everyone! I'm delighted by Angelou's book and I've been thinking about my own mom a little bit more than usual.
Most of what you go through as a kid defines your whole life, and mothers play the most important role.
I was wondering: How is/was your relationship with your mother and how do you think she has influenced the person you are today?"

Hi Billie!
I see what you mean with "mothers play the most important role" but I think that's more a cultural image than reality. I find this assertion somehow treacherous and I believe it can bring the whole "mommy issues" things, i.e. someone's wrong behavior will be attributed to the way they were handled by their mom. I don't deny though that mom-child relationships are super important ;-)

My own relationship with my mom are... complicated (but not so bad). I wish I could say, like some of you, that she's my role model. I can't. Most often I wish I do not become too much like her... and it freaks me out when I notice too many similarities!

I've not read the book yet, but I'm longing too :-)

Laure wrote: "Billie wrote: "Hello everyone! I'm delighted by Angelou's book and I've been thinking about my own mom a little bit more than usual.
Most of what you go through as a kid defines your whole life, an..."

I so agree with you Laure. There is so much pressure on the mother - children relationship because according to society it should be the most important within the family. Although I do agree it's very important it's not the only way to build character or for the children to 'turn out ok'. There are so many elements within the family dynamics.

I actually believe that the parent with the most 'visible' personality - stronger sense of self will likely be the one to mostly affect the upbringing of the children. (In a positive or negative way). Anyone else thinks that too?

I do agree with that about the more visible parent. And note that that can mean a stronger, more forceful, more present, or maybe just louder and in your face presence. Men of my father's generation did not know how to nuture, even though many of them would have been great at it. My dad was quietly in the background, teaching by example, while my mother ranted and raved. I learned from both of them. Kind of a passion tempered with kindness.
I am a feminist because i feel it's just a shame that so many treasures lie buried in the sterotypes of gender. And so many men and women are still not able to develop their gifts due to gender based restrictions.

I am aware of the social pressure on mothers, maybe I didn't explain myself very well. When I talk about them being the most important role, I'm not exclusively referring to the upbringing but to everything they represent (the good, the bad, the absence and the presence). I can only talk about my own experience and I think that even her absence has shaped the person I am today, probably because she was the person with the most authority over me.
I appreciate everyone for being open about something so personal, it's interesting to see how a lot of us define ourselves by trying to be or not to be like our mothers

I have had a pretty rough relationship with my mother. There was some abuse growing up - a fair amount actually - and I lived with my grandparents a lot as a very young child. Then I took on the role of caregiver to my youngest siblings, while I was still in junior high. I was definitely the easiest of my siblings, but being the oldest I am not quite sure my mom knew what to do with me. When I was 18, I refused to sign a petition trying to exclude gay relationships in my parents' church. She refused to speak to me for weeks except to scream that I was going to burn in hell for all eternity.

I had a hard time for a long time, comparing her relationship with my siblings to her relationship with me. I realized, though, they all needed her more. They struggled with school, jobs, getting in trouble. I won scholarships, ran the house, did whatever I was told. Eventually left as fast as I could to go to university, where I did quite well, became a teacher, moved, married...

My parents see all of my other siblings several times a week to maybe once a week. They travel hours to visit one of my brothers. It was two years before they visited the first house I bought. She did not approve of my husband (someone most mothers would be begging their children to bring home!), my wedding, even my profession (a teacher).

Since her father passed away our relationship is much more civil. I try to see my mom twice a year. I speak to her on the phone for her birthday or holidays or when I hear that she is traveling abroad. We are polite but I doubt we will ever be close. I used to be upset by her a lot. Eventually I had to separate myself to keep myself happy.

On the other hand I speak to her mother, my grandma, once every other week. I speak to my mother-in-law, one of my favourite people on the planet, close to every day.

I am shaped, for good or for bad, by these women in my life. They have forged me, not singlehandedly, but far more than most others have. Because of my mother, I have a quiet strength that I would never have possessed without being her daughter.

Krysta,

I find your personal account to hold so much strength, and have no doubt that you have been able to grow into a wonderful woman! It's life-based anecdotes like that that serve as inspiration to review one's own life, and I hope others can come to the terms of acceptance you so earnestly dominate!

To be upfront, I am a man so my view might be somewhat different, but I truly do have the best intentions in mind by being here and trying to be a part of this wonderful community.
My mother tends to be simple in a complex way. She honestly has a hard time keeping up with this world especially in the realm of technology. This is not to say that she is stupid tho. I believe she merely chose the things she was interested in and left all else out of her visual scope.
The thing she decided to put her time and energy into was her family, specifically her kids. My father even felt this after my brother and I were bourn. He was second to Keith and I. She realizes now that she should have put us all on an equal, but that can be hard with so much going on.
When we were young mom decided that if we could make do, she wouldn't work so she could be home with us. This played maybe the biggest part in my view of the world today. I came to see her not only as my mom, but also as my best friend and closest ally. She took the neighborhood kids to the local public pool 3 times a week or more during summer constantly found ways for us to have fun together.
As a young boy I truly had no idea we were on the edge of destruction all throughout my childhood. My parents decided that my brother and I would never feel like we were going without it they could help it. My dad worked tirelessly at multiple jobs to try and make ends meet and mom often worked nights either at a diner or later as a typeset recording accident reports. That being said, they also chose to be honest with us about everything. They found a way to ride this crazy thin line between treating us like mature adults and still letting us be children. They treated us with respect and truly believed our opinions mattered.
I have come to value people as equals do to the way my mother raised me. She is my confidant and biggest supporter and I will do whatever I can to make her proud.

My relationship with my mother is rocky, but she has had some interesting influences. She is a very high-achieving woman, and works as a Judge. Her consistent excellence and academic rigour meant that the idea of women at home, or doing anything other than working their butts off doing challenging jobs, was not the norm, but perhaps something to be looked down on. This was my own interpretation (my mother's often said she would love to stay at home, and sometimes hinted that she became a Judge to impress her parents rather than empower herself), which I've obviously realised is an internalised misogyny- it's okay to be a woman, as long as you "act like a man". The fact is that my mother wasn't acting like a man, there is no such thing, and if she fell more into the role of stay-at-home mum it wouldn't make her any less of a person. The impact of this early belief, though, is hard to pinpoint- do I feel empowered that women can do whatever they want, or do I feel compelled to work to prove that I have worth?

Jamie, I find your comment quite beautiful, and see it as a wonderful opportunity to view things from another's perspective. The demographics on this website usually account towards females, so I am always avidly interested in thoughts from the opposing gender. I believe that many people can resonate with the familiar structure you described. It's important to note the sacrifices parents generally make in their ever-constant struggle toward economic stability. I myself can relate to parents working so hard just to make ends meet. I encourage you to participate as you please, because everyone has the right to release their input on this website! And on your interpretation in regards to your relationship with your mother? Well said, Sir!

I, too, have been thinking about my mom a lot while reading this book. I do not have a great relationship with my mother - I would describe it as cold at best - but since I got engaged, my mother and I have been warming up a bit more with each other as we talk about wedding plans and she reminisces about her wedding to my father decades ago. I wonder if, through my teenage and young adult years, if we had lost touch with one another just because we were in such different stages, and now we're catching up with one another.

My father left when I was 5 or 6, I'm not sure. I always looked up to her because I saw her as a strong, independent woman. However, I never had the courage to talk to her about my father, because he didn't want to have any contact with me and I was afraid of making her sad if I asked any questions. I always blamed myself for him leaving and despite having a good relationship with her, I always had the feeling that I had to prove myself to her...to prove that I'm not like him, that I'm worthy of love... My mom never knew how much I cried. She is the kind of person who never shows how hurt she is, she really keeps all her negative emotions inside and it's difficult for me to talk about that with her, because she doesn't want to really hear me. My family love my boyfriend, but I avoid talking to my mom because I don't know anymore how to talk to her...

I adore and admire my mother. She is literally the first person I think of when I have good news or bad news. Even though I am technically "a grown-up", if I become half the woman my mother is, I will be happy.

My mother was caring, smart, funny, driven, empathic, and a great family member. Those are just a few of the adjectives I can use to describe her. Growing up, I guess I didn't notice those attributes as much as my da's intelligence, which she often praised and doted on. She was just as intellectually smart, but also emotionally smart. However, being part of a chauvinist generation made her hold back, and during my adolescent years, I resented that.


However, she is my role model. I aspire yo be as generous, kind, and warm as she was. Our relationship was close, and she gave me constant support and was so proud of me.

My parents died when I was 2 years old. I have no relationship with my mom. But my grandmother is a wonderful person. She is a very cheerful, kind, caring. We have a great relationship. I adore my grandmother. Now rather want to finish reading this book, I was very interested.

I just joined the group and it already looks like an interesting and lively place to discuss and enjoy books together, as well as touching upon many interesting topics.
My mom died 11 years ago in November, and while I am writing this to a group of people I do not know, it feels raw and painful as it was when it happened. I had a rough relationship with her as a young, opinionated (and sometimes stupid) young woman, but was lucky enough to mature into that relationship and have her become my friend and my rock in later years.
Many mentioned the imprint that a mother leaves on her children, and I see hers in me now. However, for reasons that go back to my youth, I still feel I haven't been good enough or haven't become what she would have expected. Since she's not here, that is a lingering feeling I learned how to live with.
Can't wait to start reading this book.

I love my mom to bits and everything she has done for me over the years. She has raised me to be a good person by letting me try things and support me in whatever I have decided to do. and if I failed she was there, helped me and made me try again or find other ways to succeed with my dreams.

When growing up my relationship with either of my parents wherent that well, specially during my teens. But maybe that is natural. I am proud of my mom even if she isnt perfect. Today, when we have a half continent between us, we are closer than ever. I am so happy to have an awesome mom and that we manage to solved our difficulties from before.

Thank you for the great question.
My mother is so much a part of who I am today. Everyday, I notice how much she influenced how I think about the world, people, and my faith. She has always been someone of unrelenting service and she has taught me the power of generosity.

Saying that, my mother and I have not always had an easy relationship. My mother and I have had historic arguments, clashing of words, and all out brawls. But even these challenging times come with a loving resistance that has made our relationship deep and meaningful.

I get along with my mother pretty well..we have an honest relationship and can share things openly. But there are times I wish she wouldn't fuss about little things so much...
Whatever said and done, she is the reason and spirit behind the person I've become today..a truly independent woman with the great and simple qualities she has planted in me.

The relationship with my mother has been a bit of a rollercoaster ride over the last year. I am an Atheist and until June she didn't know. This time last year we had a good relationship but it made me sad because she didn't really know me and I was scared that when she did she wouldn't love me anymore.
In June she found out. I say found out because I didn't exactly tell her. We had one conversation about it but then things felt weird because I felt like this was an enormous part of who I am and I couldn't really talk about it because it upset her.
In October my mum noticed that I was really miserable so we had another conversation and this time I really felt like she was trying to understand me which made me feel closer to her.
Now we have a very good and affectionate relationship and it makes me really happy because I know she loves me for who I am and now she knows exactly who that is

I think of my relationship with my mom to be pretty good, she is really good in knowing how I feel without even opening up about it. She has always really been motivating to do what makes me happy.

She herself grew up in a time were you school level was decided by what your parents did for a living. My grandpa fought for her right to have education and my mom has always shared that story with us, to appreciate our opportunities and use them.

My mother and I. That's complicated. We still talk yes, and I still phone her too, but I'm glad I moved out in the end of September because I couldn't stay the house where we lived in any more. Too many sad memories, too many hurt feelings on my side.
She made me who I am in the very definition of the word, but I wish she would have acted different upon it.
I really didn't have a good relationship with her, I often felt like: Ok, I'll do this so nobody gets suspicious about anything. It's not so easy to live in a small village with all your relatives around you, and you have to act a certain way or they will ask unpleasant questions. Like: How can you not love your mum, how can you act upon her like that. (Believe me, you can do a lot to somebody you don't like really.)
Now that I'm at university I think it's a bit better, because I skype a lot with one of my cousins and we also write each other letters, which we think is really cool to do.

My German teacher once said that she would like to have a child like she had been. And I simply answered that I would, at all costs, not like to have a child like I have been. She was REALLY shocked, but it's true. I couldn't raise a child like I have been. Little revolting tomboy, who insulted their parents regularly...
(I must say I had every reason for it tho.)

I now laugh about it, but it was, still is, not easy with my parents. I'm just waiting for this huge clash, the eruption of a volcano, and then that was it.

I'm really proud of my mother's mother tho. We are really close and she's a person I admire and look up to. I'm her only grandchild, so I'm her only little shining star. I love being around her, she's so calm, so full of everything I lack, I think.

Emma is my HUGE role model and I appreciate everything she does hugely. She was there for me, when nobody else was, not how I needed them. I can't wait for Beauty and the Beast, seeing her in a movie again.

okay this is a question. i haven't read the book yet and i feel so sorry about this but it hasn't been published in italian yet. i will read it, i promise, but i feel like i have to answer this question.

i have never had a real relationship with my mother, no real mother-daughter talks, no "i love you"s, no complicity nor intimacy. we've never had that kind of relationship because she's never been a motherly parent to me or my siblings. she's the perfect example of the selfish, proud, quick-tempered, bored and lazy stay-at-home mother. she is the person that wasted all the money my father earned over the years on herself and on stupid usless things rather than on her children and family. i have never loved her and never will. i don't hate her either, even though her being like this changed my life forever and ruined mine and my siblings' childhood. (no, i'm not being too harsh, just believe me) i don't hate my parents but i just can't wait to graduate and move out. i just want to live on my own, in my own house and live my life. i do envy everyone who has a nice and beautiful relationship with their mother, i don't deny it. and i wish i had too, but it's too late now. i know i can't change her.
i really hope you all know that you are so lucky.
p.s. emma, if you're reading this, i want to thank you because women like you make me believe that i can do anything and be who i want to be. i can go on and be strong despite the pain that i've been through. you're a real inspiration to me. i don't feel alone. i love you x

I'm 27 and I got married last year.

My relationship with my mother is rocky at best.

She completely took over my wedding and since then we haven't spoken in a year.

Isabel,

I know exactly how you feel. It's been the same with both of my parents including abuse. Even after moving out - it left me with some mental health problems and a lot of frustration because it's like you said... it's nearly impossible to get a beautiful mother-daughter relationship after all the things that happened and sometimes it doesn't feel fair. But you will find this beauty in other relationships and you will be able to appreciate them on another level. Just focus on the things you gained through these experiences instead of the things you've lost. You will be okay :)

I just moved 100 miles away from home for college, and it is the best thing that has happened to my relationship with my mother. I always loved my mom and understood everything she did to provide for my family and keep my house running, but spending so much time under the same roof caused me to harden towards my mother. I wouldn't defend her if my siblings complained about her strict rules, and I would even find myself joining in. I remember complaining about how stressful she made my life to a few friends at school.

This August, however, I moved over 100 miles from home for college and I realized how inconsiderate I was. It was a subtle change, really. I went from dodging her phone calls and begrudgingly texted her that I was safe before I went to sleep every night to fiercely defending her cooking skills to practical strangers. Before I left, if someone had asked me who my hero or role model is, I would honestly have no answer, but these months have conditioned me to immediately answer my mother and defend her graciously.

I don't find myself missing my mom or feeling homesick, rather I just have a newfound, deep respect for my mother and everything she's done for over the years.

I haven't started reading the book yet (waiting for a copy to become available at my local library) but wanted to answer this question. Even before starting to read this book, just knowing what it is about has made me think about my Mum.

My Mum died when I was only 14. Before that we had a really good relationship. My Dad worked long hours/shiftwork and sometimes worked away so she was the main parent involved with raising me. She was loving and caring and always made time to make sure I could be involved in anything I wanted. She loved being a Mum and always put myself and my siblings needs above her own.

She was a great example to me of the kind of person I wanted to be. I remember there being lots of people at her funeral and they were all telling us how much they had liked and respected my Mum and even then I knew that I wanted to be the sort of person she was. She spent her life in jobs that involved caring for and looking after other and so I have always tried to put others before myself and I think I got my love for working with kids from her.

I love this thread.

My relationship with my mother is tranquil and loving and open. We talk about many things, especially on afternoon walks together. She's an amazingly generous person and uncommonly kind. I strive to be as kind and generous as she is.

I have a great relationship with my mum. She's one of my closest friends, I talk to her about everything. Growing up I witnessed the poor relationship she has with her own mother and I think that influenced ours.
My mum didn't want to have that with her children, so instead of being overbearing and imposing in our lives she accepted us and our choices as our own and loves us for it.
There are limits to what I talk about with my mum but I know if I'm in trouble or I need a safe place I can always turn to her.

My mum is very supportive towards me.She has been with me through my ups and downs and for that im deeply grateful.Till this day,she is the one i look up to the most

I am a new user in Goodreads,and i want to know what should i do when i receive your message.Thank you.

When I read this topic,I feel a little upset.I come from a ordinary farmer family,my parents didn't accept much education,my mom only attended school three years ,she has a extremely conservatived thought that confine her to do everything,including me.She just cares about whethe you eat well or bad,whethe you have money to use and so on.Sometime I just want to heard a sentence that care about my mood or my life,but she didn't,My mom and I have't any other communication,except eating and money.

mom is the best, she was & still with me supporting me

I like my mum,she likes my best friend.l'm willing to share my scert with her.l love her.she always encourage me to do everthing l like. She is a great women.

I am probably a bit older than many in this fascinating group. I am now a carer for my mother who is 94. She is narcissistic and always has been. My purpose and that of my late father was only to care for her and she never put our needs above hers, rather like a spoilt child. It has taken many years of counselling to appreciate how poor her mothering skills were. Because of my unhappy childhood, having to put her first and dance to get tune, I decided very young not to have children in case I turned into a mother like her. The relationships I see between some other mums and daughters in fiction and in real life can reduce me to tears of envy.

When reading this book, I also thought a lot about my parents. I am blessed with two moms but I found myself thinking of one more than the other. Perhaps because, as I become an adult, I find myself more and more like her. I know many girls who would be ashamed at the mere suggestion that they are like their mom, but I am simply proud to be like her because my mother is strong and powerful in ways I don't think even she understands.

My other mom I didn't think about as much because she plays a different role in my life. She is not as much of a role model to me. She is someone who challenges me and my beliefs frequently, partially because she has strong beliefs of her own and we don't always agree, but partially because she wants to make sure I have built these beliefs on a solid foundation of knowledge and understanding.

Both of these women have been my moms since I was six and both of them have shaped me and I am grateful to have had them both in my life. And I am grateful that, in the United States, they are allowed to be married after 16 years of domestic partnership. The wedding is Friday!

Dear Jo,

I'm so warmed by your comment, it's one reason why I like to be around here - no matter how difficult my life is, OSS is always there to cheer me up.
I'm so happy for you to have two wonderful, strong, admirable moms, who nurtured you and protected you (still do I bet) and made you the wonderful person you are today!
I'm so glad your moms can finally marry, oh, how much I celebrated the decision of the Supreme Court! One more step towards gender equality!

امي جنة الله علي الارض و لكني لا اعرف قيمة الجنة

Ahmedmaged wrote: "امي جنة الله علي الارض و لكني لا اعرف قيمة الجنة"

What does that have to do with the thread subject?