World, Writing, Wealth discussion

I'd like to know what is your view is on Marriage:
What makes a good marriage?
What makes a marriage fail?

I've been married 55 years this year, and it hasn't been a easy ride. Being through the ups and downs, I have my opinion, and like to have yours. But first yours. Throw them at me.

GR wrote: "I'd like to know what is your view is on Marriage:
What makes a good marriage? ..."

Should be based on initial attraction, love, which should evolve into friendship, respect and lasting physical compatibility (or good sex to put it simpler -:)), flexibility and letting the other half 'be', believing in family value and commitment to it and to dependents.
Self - neglect (like: "Hey, I'm already married, don't need slim body anymore, buy flowers or pamper in general" ) is dangerous and corrodes respect, taking things for granted too.
Not an easy road and much less stable than before...
No specialist though, just commonsense answers -:)

But 'contract', i.e. pragmatic, emotion-free engagements are hardly less stable than those above...

Here in Germany, I found that marriages that have a tangible bases, marry for wealth, property, etc., , rather than love have a stronger need for lasting. It becomes the family rather than the self. Individuals who marry out of attraction, don't last. But, there are exceptions too.

It's interesting about Germany, and probably all of Europe, marriages having an economic base, the partners will have an outside companion for affection, understanding (a soul-mate), etc., and have long happy relationships.

I'm young and not married yet (so take my answer with a grain of salt...haha!), but I've also found that mrriages with fallout consequences besides just the couple (like a huge property, a contractual relationship between both families, etc.) often last longer than other marriages, because both partners realize how much their problems, especially when serious, can affect others around them. Of course, I'm not sure how healthy acting on fear of consequences can be either. Just some thoughts I have observed though, and I thought they went in line with the comment above :)

-Nihar
www.niharsuthar.com

Nik wrote: "GR wrote: "I'd like to know what is your view is on Marriage:
What makes a good marriage? ..."

Should be based on initial attraction, love, which should evolve into friendship, respect and lastin..."

I think I misunderstood you - buying flowers corrodes respect?

Economic marriages do last longer but I don't know how happy they are. Marrying based on physical attraction is a doomed endeavor, in my opinion. I say marry someone you love and can contribute to the relationship although that is not always economic.

Tara wrote: "I think I misunderstood you - buying flowers corrodes respect? ..."

Flowers don't corrode a thing -:) Self-neglect corrodes respect, ceasing to care how one looks and ceasing to do things one used to do until the 'routine', like buying flowers for example. But I guess 'flowers' thing is not ubiquitous -:)

Nik wrote: "Tara wrote: "I think I misunderstood you - buying flowers corrodes respect? ..."

Flowers don't corrode a thing -:) Self-neglect corrodes respect, ceasing to care how one looks and ceasing to do th..."

Ah, I misunderstoid. Completely agree!

My opinion, which I suppose is supported by a marriage that lasted about 44 yrs, is first, give your partner room to be themselves, second, if something has to be done, if in doubt, you do it (i.e. don't leave your partner overworked) and third, laugh frequently.

My view is that any woman can look attractive, so going on looks is a bad option. Children can be a strain, but they are also binding, BUT when the children leave home, it is important that the two of you talk, and laugh, and do some things together, and some things apart. My two cents worth.

Ian wrote: "My opinion, which I suppose is supported by a marriage that lasted about 44 yrs, is first, give your partner room to be themselves, second, if something has to be done, if in doubt, you do it (i.e...."

Agree!

My view on marriage? I did it once and will never do it again. Legally I can't anyway, even if I wanted to. Ok, I'm done. Have a nice day!

Angel wrote: "My view on marriage? I did it once and will never do it again. Legally I can't anyway, even if I wanted to. Ok, I'm done. Have a nice day!"

Wait! I hate cliffhangers!

When the battle of the sexes ends, we can start thinking of good marriage.

Tara wrote: "Economic marriages do last longer but I don't know how happy they are. Marrying based on physical attraction is a doomed endeavor, in my opinion. I say marry someone you love and can contribute to ..."

Like I said before, I'll be married 55 years this year. Getting to know these German people and talking to them, they come from the old school of thought: an arranged marriage, it is just as miserable as any marriage--love or money. Everybody complains about the same thing.

My advise is: marry a good friend that understands you, and you understand them.

GR wrote: "Tara wrote: "Economic marriages do last longer but I don't know how happy they are. Marrying based on physical attraction is a doomed endeavor, in my opinion. I say marry someone you love and can c..."

Sound advice.

Economic marriages are likely common throughout the world. Here in the United States we have the "Common Law" marriage, where if two single people live at the same address for enough years the government will just declare them married for tax purposes.

I agree that marriages based solely or mostly on attraction are likely doomed to fail, but I also think marriages that happen within the "obsession" phase of a relationship (the first few months) are also doomed to fail. I firmly believe that people should date for a least a year before they even get engaged. People are complex, and it takes a long time to get to a point where you really know a person.

But then, I've never been married.

Any type of marriage can enhance or deteriorate, but my own opinion - the initial 'chemistry' is important, beyond just being beautiful -:)

I firmly believe no marriage should take place unless one wants children. Children require a unifying structure to give them a sense of cohesiveness and understanding. I may be wrong on that, but that's I believe.

GR wrote: "I firmly believe no marriage should take place unless one wants children. Children require a unifying structure to give them a sense of cohesiveness and understanding. I may be wrong on that, but t..."

Yes of course. Why else would you marry? People can have lasting companionships without marriage anytime.

I'm not really sure.....I know somethings that are important, like trust, happiness, and Love, but other than that I'm not sure, I've never been married, well while dating the one I love, before we broke up, I have thought about our future a lot, even tho I wasn't sure if it would last that long, I wanted it to tho, but then again, I'm only in high school, I'd like to wait and get to know the guy and be with him for 4 years or more, and then we can get married,

Angel wrote: "My view on marriage? I did it once and will never do it again. Legally I can't anyway, even if I wanted to. Ok, I'm done. Have a nice day!"

I was forced to get married at age 18. With that being said:

Angel, my twin. I did it once, will never do it again in this lifetime. Legally, I couldn't if I wanted to, but I don't. I, too, wish you a nice day!

But I'd like to add that being best friends is a start to a good marriage.

Groovy wrote: "Angel wrote: "My view on marriage? I did it once and will never do it again. Legally I can't anyway, even if I wanted to. Ok, I'm done. Have a nice day!"

I was forced to get married at age 18. Wit..."

that sucks :( yeah I don't want to get married unless I find the one that I really love with all of my heart, and if he is willing to love me with all of his heart and would never let me go no matter what happens. I'm a fan of love stories tho.

Kavy Jackson Fullbuster ~So everybody come on~ wrote: "yeah I don't want to get married unless I find the one that I really love with all of my heart, and if he is willing to love me with all of his heart and would never let me go no matter what happens...."

Sorry for being a bit cynical, but usually this doesn't last in the form of passionate love beyond a few years. Love is a good starter though, but when the passion ingredient diminishes it needs to evolve into love based on friendship, things in common, respect and space for the other for a strong cohesion to withstand routine and fatigue -:)

You are soooo right, Nik. Not all marriages are like this, but I've witnessed some evolve into a brother-sister like relationship because the thrill is gone, and you're just trying to get through life as partners.

Groovy wrote: "Angel wrote: "My view on marriage? I did it once and will never do it again. Legally I can't anyway, even if I wanted to. Ok, I'm done. Have a nice day!"

I was forced to get married at age 18. Wit..."

He was my best friend.

Kavy Jackson Fullbuster ~So everybody come on~ wrote: "Groovy wrote: "Angel wrote: "My view on marriage? I did it once and will never do it again. Legally I can't anyway, even if I wanted to. Ok, I'm done. Have a nice day!"

I was forced to get married..."

I think of it as wisdom for the course. "Legally I can't get married if I wanted," I said that because I'm still legally married to him. We've been separated for two years now and have no contact even though we have a biological kid together. My husband currently lives with his mother in a town thirty minutes away from me. He was very abusive towards me and our son. It was a very dangerous situation and he nearly took my life in front of our little boy.

Groovy wrote: "the thrill is gone..."

But the real magic is to try to keep some thrill nonetheless -:) It's within hands' reach, not to succumb to same old same...

It's not even because of love fading, it's because we grow and it's hard to keep the same level of excitement. I mean when you do you first parachute jump the adrenaline is tremendous, humongous, 10-th - still exciting but not as much, 100-th - you already look for some additional tricks (like opening the chute much lower, doing other stuff) longing for that first injection of adrenaline. Likewise in mid age - you become pretty much 'been there, done it all' and the thrill goes from many things -:)

Angel wrote: "He was very abusive towards me and our son. It was a very dangerous situation and he nearly took my life in front of our little boy...."

Regret to hear that, Angel, that's a real tragedy. I know it isn't easy but don't draw conclusions about all men. It happens, but I believe it's not representative. Hope you get to experience much better relations

Sometimes, you do all you can to maintain the thrill, but sometimes even if you're successful at maintaining that. There are other things that are irking the marriage that you just can't fix no matter how much you work at it. If it's no longer meant to be then it's no longer meant to be. Trying to salvage it only makes things worse. Just my personal long term experience with marriage.

As far as love goes, I've found that love is just a band-aid to hide what's festering underneath.

Hi there - new to the group. I have been married 38 years and we have yet to have an argument. We have not agreed about everything but we have never raised our voices or tried to hurt the other one. I think a good marriage boils down to marrying the right person. It's going to be hard if you don't. I came from a fractious family of divorce so I was very selective and knew at a young age that I wanted a peaceful home. I remember someone asking me once if we fought and I said it was very hard to fight with someone who had nothing but my best interests at the heart of every decision (had to use that in a book years later). And he still makes me laugh. That is very important. And is a great father to our kids. So...there is nothing better than a good marriage and nothing worse than a bad one (parents and stepparents).

Nik, you speak words of wisdom. I couldn't agree with you more:)

Angel, I'm in the same predicament. And I went through the exact experience you did. I thought we were friends, but the abuse killed that. It got so far as him taking out insurance on me and one of my children--I wonder what that was for?:)

That's one of the reasons all of my male protagonists are kind, loving, and treats others with respect, especially the women they love. That and being absolutely, perfectly gorgeous, and altogether fine!:) LOL!

But I'm with Nik. I hope you experience something much better. Life is too short not to.

My husband made me laugh so hard my insides would hurt excruciatingly and tears would come out of my eyes. As far as marrying the right person, in my experience there is no such thing. That's like thinking there is a "Mr. or Ms. Right" out there for everyone. That's not true at least not for me. A "good marriage" is a myth, just like a "good man." Brutal reality in my marriage has been my greatest and best teacher. I'm not looking for love. I don't care to. I had my years and years of marriage. I'm done and don't care to revisit that world again. Once was enough. I survived, I learned. I should've stayed closed hearted and maybe I wouldn't have had to experience being punched in the face by the truth.

Belle wrote: "Hi there - new to the group. I have been married 38 years and we have yet to have an argument. ..."

Although sounds paranormal (not a single argument in 38 years), but that's awesome!

Groovy wrote: "Nik, you speak words of wisdom. I couldn't agree with you more:)

Angel, I'm in the same predicament. And I went through the exact experience you did. I thought we were friends, but the abuse kille..."

Thanks -:)

I'm sorry, Angel. I hope life steps in and shows you differently:)

But I know for a fact that not all marriages are like the hell you or I lived through. And I didn't let what I went through sour me toward love, or he's won.

Now, maybe someone will chime in with their happy experience:)

Angel wrote: "A "good marriage" is a myth, just like a "good man." ..."

A burnt child dreads the fire. See where it's coming from and one certainly learns from his/her own experiences the most. Respect your stance, but hope for you that you'll be proven wrong -:)

Nik wrote: "Angel wrote: "He was very abusive towards me and our son. It was a very dangerous situation and he nearly took my life in front of our little boy...."

Regret to hear that, Angel, that's a real tra..."

I know they aren't all bad apples, Nik. But in my experience I haven't run into any good ones.

Groovy wrote: "Nik, you speak words of wisdom. I couldn't agree with you more:)

Angel, I'm in the same predicament. And I went through the exact experience you did. I thought we were friends, but the abuse kille..."

I haven't so far.

I'm feeling a bit like Pollyanna or maybe the star of this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0Rau... My intent in posting was to perhaps inspire a bit of hope that all humans are not toxic trash, though there are certainly tons of those, male and female. I do not feel there is one right person. There are right people and you just have to find them. If not, life alone can be a good thing. I remember having my first own apartment and being out of those two toxic households I grew up in, it was pure bliss. I found myself in relationships with the same type of guys - it was what came naturally. I had to do a 180 in what I looked for. Most of the credit goes to my husband, who is incredibly easy to get along with, a lot more than I am. I wish for each of you to have a relationship with somebody - male, female, friend, romantic, or whatever - that just loves you. That lets you rest in their presence.

Well said, Belle, well said:)

To err is human. In any relationship, this idea of "forgiveness" is paramount.

Daniel J. wrote: "Economic marriages are likely common throughout the world. Here in the United States we have the "Common Law" marriage, where if two single people live at the same address for enough years the gove..."

After the Supreme Court ruled on the right to gay marriage, I wondered if the idea of common law marriage meant you could find yourself gay married to your roommate if you share an apartment long enough.

Nik wrote: "Angel wrote: "A "good marriage" is a myth, just like a "good man." ..."

A burnt child dreads the fire. See where it's coming from and one certainly learns from his/her own experiences the most. Re..."

I hope so too, Nik.

J.J. wrote: "you could find yourself gay married to your roommate if you share an apartment long enough...."

-:)

Angel wrote: "I hope so too, Nik. ..."

Amen!

Belle wrote: "I'm feeling a bit like Pollyanna or maybe the star of this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0Rau... My intent in posting was to perhaps inspire a bit of hope that all humans are not toxic trash..."

Belle, I hope there will be a better day for me. But I know it won't happen in my case. But it makes me smile that there are other people like yourself who've found their perfect match. The only thing I can make sure of is that my nine year old son when he grows up into manhood, that he won't be like his father.

Angel wrote: "...He was very abusive towards me and our son. It was a very dangerous situation and he nearly took my life in front of our little boy."
Very sorry to hear that. I had to separate my daughter and the father of her two children before somebody ended up dead. It was a very difficult situation. I do have concerns about a single mother or father (I've tried that for a while) raising a child or children. Too many things can go wrong. My current marriage has lasted over 30 years and we seem to have weathered the storms. Both of us were widows with children and scars from our first marriage when we got together. We probably stayed together because we were too stubborn to do otherwise.
I also want to point out that the underlying assumptions of much of this discussion leave what really happens in many cases. One of my best friends flew back to India in the summer of 1971 for an arranged marriage with a woman he had never met. They did quite well and I assume that they are still married. My grandfather took a "mail order" bride. When she died young, he took another "mail order" bride. That marriage lasted over 50 years and only ended when my "grandmother" died. My great aunt married shortly after arriving in this country in what was clearly an arranged marriage. They brought a dozen children into this world, raised them and stayed together until the end.
As an aside, I want to say to Angel and all the others caught in situations like that, the situation cannot be tolerated. There is no hope for a good outcome. Getting out is the only smart thing to do.
But if you believe that you have a relationship that you want to last, you are going to have to commit to making it work in good times and bad. My first question of a couple now would be can you work together to solve problems. Screw good looks and head over heels love. If you can't work together as a team no matter what the situation, you are not going to make it. Then I will pass on the relationship advice I got from a book "How to ride until you are a hundred" (I think): It is up to you to make it work- not your partner - and your job is to do 4 kind, unselfish, giving things for every stupid, selfish, jerky thing you do to your partner.

That's some interesting examples and good advice, Joe.
I just have one reservation: someone who puts up with an arranged marriage may be obedient enough to never question the relationships and consider breaking up as an option.
I know this is the norm in some religious communities and they do seem to have stronger marriages. All is cool, I've nothing against. But if I try to don it on myself theoretically, I can't even digest the notion -:)

Joe wrote: "Angel wrote: "...He was very abusive towards me and our son. It was a very dangerous situation and he nearly took my life in front of our little boy."
Very sorry to hear that. I had to separate my ..."

Thanks for your kind words and wisdom, Joe. But the day my husband tried to take my life, I put him out and haven't look back since. That was two years ago and I have no regrets. I raise our son alone and my husband lives with his mother and he and I have no contact and he lives thirty minutes away from me in the next town. I provide for our son solely on my own with no assistance and he provides no support of any kind. He doesn't even see his son or wants to. He has no other children and nor do I. This is our first and only child together. What may seem strange to some is it took several years for my husband to become abusive towards me, we were the best of friends at first for many years and then it just went south. I also neglected to mention my husband is also bipolar and has suffered with it for many years before and since I've known him.