Sci-Fi, fantasy and speculative Indie Authors Review discussion

Hey, I have two short stories I would like to share with the sci-fi community.

Here's the taglines.

Fata Morganas:
Millions have become addicted to Fata Morganas; devices that create interactive dream-worlds for people to enter. But one wrong turn and the surreal fantasies quickly turn into nightmares.

Fierce Hand Gentle Hand:
An alien arrives on Earth promising a better world, but soon enslaves the human race. Two scientists now hatch a plan for escape -- to another planet.

Find them at my website: http://www.roycecbooks.com/short-stor...

I enjoyed your short story, "Fata Morganas" ... So, any plans to extend it into a novel or novella; would certainly work, there's definitely more you can go into and flesh out.

You know, I considered making it into a novel. But the story idea I had wouldn't have done the premise justice. I may give it another try, though, more people seem to like that story.

I've tried reading both a couple of times but I keep getting put off by something. I'm not trying to be negative, just honest.

In "Fata Morganas" for a start, you begin with like 440 words of pure data dump. I don't want to read an encyclopedic account of the story's set up, especially in a short story. All of that information should be allowed to come through naturally along the course of the actual story. How? Well, that's the trick, isn't it?

Another minor thing that didn't sit well with me was the name Fata Morgana in the first place.

In the intro you state: "The device was named Fata Morgana I, by Indexus; the company mass producing it." Apart from being grammatically suspect (I think the first comma is not needed and the semicolon should instead be a comma), to me the term Fata Morgana has a negative connotation that no corporation would fail to pick up on.

I know the term means "mirage" but it's also closely realted to Morgan le Fey, who in popular portrayal was a villainess and a seducer. Poetically it's a good name for the addictive device, however it does not sit true with me that the device would be christened that by its creators. Now, after it's bad effects become known, I could see the name being adopted as a slang...the mirage, the seductress...but a corporation would have to be pretty disconnected to adopt such a name without doing some market research on its perception in society.

...sorry, long explanation for a fairly minor point.

"Fierce Hand Gentle Hand" in my mind also suffers from the data dump syndrom. The narrator in this case is telling me everything (from as much of it as I read). Again, it's too encylopedic. I kept waiting for the actual character to start having a voice but it never happened.

Now, I've read some writers who can pull that off with style and humor. I'm thinking particularly about Robert Sheckley in his Journey Beyond Tomorrow, but in that case the narrator became a character in the story, a fictional compiler and editor of stories, myths and histories about the main character. But to me what you have right now is a very dry and uninteresting way of telling the story.

Again, I don't want to discourage you or discourage others from reading and chiming in.

To be honest Royce, I didn't try reading your second short story because it featured aliens; it didn't seem fair to give feedback on a genre I don't enjoy or read. However, when it comes to 'Fata Morganas' you already have enough material, as it stands, to flesh it into a novella (possibly a novel). Micah refers to the occasional data dump in your story and yes that sometimes happens when you have a story that's bigger than the wordcount you have allocated for it. When I read your story I wanted to know more about your characters - so maybe that's the place you start if you're wanting to flesh the idea out :). There's also so many themes you can expand on within this tale - addiction, escapism, mental illness, the collective conscience etc... You could create some suspense, in terms of Alex being followed, and then of course at the end it's revealed to be the demon-like creatures inside Fata Morgana II. So, I suppose what I'm saying is there's plenty of material to go off in this short story already if you wish to extend the wordcount without needing to resort to gimmicky narratives strands that wouldn't do the premise any justice.

Yeah, D. There are a lot of themes I can expand that story with. And you're right, a great place to start is with the characters. That story can hit a nerve with society, it has so many parallels to real life.

Yeah, you're right about the parallels: I always think the fantasy stories that have power are those that exist in symbiotic relation with reality rather than divorced from it.

Just read Fata Morganas and, although it reads more like a synopsis of itself (or first draft perhaps) than the finished story, I liked it a lot - it's definitely worth developing.

Two things struck me, reading it. For one thing, it's the classic pattern straight out of a psychology textbook (trauma, tragedy, or loss -> depression -> retreat into fantasy, particularly fantasies of the past) scaled up from the individual to the entire human race. And, second, that it has even bigger - more metaphysical - possibilities: the implication that we, sitting here reading it, are experiencing Fata Morgana. What is our reason for retreat into fantasy - and what is the reality 'out there' like?

Yeah, I've always been good at writing backstory and after talking with D.elliott I realize that I've been mixing backstory in with the actual story.

I am developing the Fata Morgana story into a novella. And it'll focus more on the world 'out there'.

I haven't finished Fierce Hand Gentle Hand, so I can't much about that one yet, but after reading Fata Morgana I think it is a good idea to develop it into a novella or novel. It doesn't work that well as it stands as a short story, the introduction is too long, but I really like the backstory and I think the story could work much better in longer form. So I hope you continue with it.

Fierce Hand, Gentle Hand strikes me the other way round: whereas there are all sorts of promising directions Fata Morganas could go off in, with this one I felt you were trying to cram too much into something of that length. With FHGH it might be better to decide which is the best single idea in it, and develop that into your story (not throwing the others away of course; Rule One: never throw anything away!). Myself, I liked Platos - and, in particular, that little glimpse of his/its home planet - the idea that even an entity as close to omnipotent as Platos may have escaped from something 'higher up the food chain' produced a real frisson - I'd definitely like to hear more about that!

Thanks for all the feedback guys.

Hakon: Yeah, after the good reviews its made me reconsider making Fata into something more. That's definitely going to be my first novella/novel project.

Richard: I actually want to develop FHGH into a three part book series. And the last series would send the hero to Platos' home planet. And you're right, I did cram a lot into one story. I'd focus the whole first book on the native planet and have their initial escape as the back story.

I'll read this some day soon when I have the time. :)

uh, ok lol

Re: Fata Morganas

The back-story at the beginning is massive. As someone who is guilty of info-dumping myself, I understand. Maybe there's a better way. You could add another character or two and use their perspectives to provide some of that information. Even just sticking with Thero, there's a lot you could do to break up that narration. Or there's the document approach--use news articles, press releases, letters, what have you to make it more interesting.

It's a great story. I love that you mention not being able to learn anything new in the device. I personally hold that the "rules" are what make the fantastical believable. Like, you can live in this perfectly realistic mindscape, but it still isn't exactly like reality. I don't know. Something about that just made me happy. Perhaps I'm merely weird.

I'm going to agree with the pervading idea that Fata Morganas could be extended into a longer work quite well, but I'll also contend that I like the short story format too. I'm sort of afraid that it might lose some of its impact if it got too long. Just a little longer might be ideal.

Thanks Meri. Yeah I feel it would be best as a novella. I've figured out a way to make sure it doesn't lose it's impact, and that's one of the reasons I hesitated to make it longer.

Hey, working on turning Fata Morganas into a Novella (possibly a novel). Just wanted to share that. I even made it a project on Kickstarter if you want to check it out. It's under fiction: The Fata Morganas.

Here's a fresh link. http://www.roycecbooks.com/short-stor...