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Andre Willems, aka "Sir Hoopz deLoopz", is a star small forward for the San Diego Missions. Recently, the press has been abuzz about not one, but two alleged affairs Willems is having. Tired of denying the rumors, Willems has taken refuge in what he believes to be the last place anyone would search for him, his boyhood home of Noah City, Iowa.

While walking the streets, Willems encounters many of the ghosts of his past. Learning to confront these ghosts gives Willems the strength to refocus on his present day troubles.

It's good until the end. I feel like there is a sentence missing. As cliche as it may be, I am used to having a 'hook' at the end of a blurb.

How about changing the last sentence to, "Will Willems confront the ghosts of his past and how will the experience affect his present day troubles?"

To me, it reads more like a synopsis than a blurb.

Short and to the point is best.

I think I like your alternative last sentence.

And I wonder if you could lose 'Willems is having' after affairs.

X

J

Dwayne wrote: "How about changing the last sentence to, "Will Willems confront the ghosts of his past and how will the experience affect his present day troubles?""

I don't really like it. It's more like a research question than a truly catchy interesting last sentence. Unfortunaly I can't think off anything to suggest in its place so I'm not sure I'm being all that helpful.

While growing up in Noah City, Iowa, Andre Willems encountered bigotry on many levels. Seventeen years have passed since Andre left town. He has returned to seek a short refuge from his current problems. Have the old prejudices of the town tamed? Will he find more respect now that he has gained fame and fortune? Or is it true that you can't return home again?

Dwayne wrote: "While growing up in Noah City, Iowa, Andre Willems encountered bigotry on many levels. Seventeen years have passed since Andre left town. He has returned to seek a short refuge from his current pro..."

I like the direction, but I feel some of the prior info is lost. Here's my take, using a little of each:

Seventeen years have passed since Andre Willems left the bigotry of Noah City behind. But when the rumors and drama of life in the spotlight get to be too much, Andrr find him once again wandering the familiar streets, wondering if the old prejudices of the town have tamed? Will he find more respect now that he has gained fame and fortune? Or is it true that you can't return home again?

Christina wrote: "Seventeen years have passed since Andre Willems left the bigotry of Noah City behind. But when the rumors and drama of life in the spotlight get to be too much, Andrr find him once again wandering the familiar streets, wondering if the old prejudices of the town have tamed? Will he find more respect now that he has gained fame and fortune? Or is it true that you can't return home again? "

Yeah, that's good. I may use a slightly tweaked version of this.

Blurbs for the Noah City stories are the hardest for me, as it's hard to know how much of the plot and theme to reveal. If I don't give away enough, the story doesn't sound interesting. If I give away too much, people might guess where the story is headed.

Christina's is good.

If you wish to keep to yours fairly closely then I'd change:

Recently, the press has been abuzz

to the present tense:

The press is abuzz.

And sharpen up that last sentence.

Love Christina's version. Just one tweak. Don't need again at the end. Tautology
X

Also love Miss Christina's version. I'd only change the last sentence, same-same like Miss Jane. Something like...

Or is it true that you can never return home?

Eh?

Christina's version also renamed your character. May want to proofread. ;P

I'd maybe tweak the middle so we get a glimpse of what he hopes to get out of going back to Noah and why that's difficult for him to get, or what goes wrong. I'm going to take a few liberties since I don't know the plot, but to give you an idea of what I mean:

Seventeen years have passed since Andre Willems left the bigotry of Noah City behind for his shot at stardom. But when the rumors and drama of life in the spotlight get to be too much, Andre finds himself once again wandering the familiar streets. There is danger in familiarity, and the siren song of his past life tempts him to sell his career for a chance at belonging. Once, he would have given everything for that dream, but now the price may be too high, even with his fortune. Is it true that you can't ever return home?

Here's a bit of a rework, based on the advice you guys have given:

Seventeen years ago Andre Willems left the bigotry of Noah City behind. When the rumors and drama of life in the spotlight became too much, Andre returns to the familiar streets, wondering if the old prejudices of the town have tamed. Fond memories rekindle in Andre's mind, along with painful memories of the racial hatred he once faced. Has anything changed for the better in the nearly two decades he's been gone, or is it true that you can't go home again?

I like this one. I mean, now I understand what it's about enough to pique my curiosity without telling me everything that I may encounter. Great job, Dwayne. :)

I like it! One thing though:

When the rumors and drama of life in the spotlight became too much, Andre returns to the familiar streets, wondering if the old prejudices of the town have tamed.

Change became to become since the rest of the sentence is present.

I like. And the bunny above is correct.

Christina wrote: "Christina's version also renamed your character. May want to proofread. ;P"

I can't see it hahahaha!

Really like this last version! After reading thru all the other comments I've nothing new to add. Guess that's what happens when you're late to the party.