Support for Indie Authors discussion

Hey all! I've seen you guys provide some amazing help for other authors struggling with blurbs, so I was hoping for some feedback on the blurb for my (first!) novel, Tragedy of a Setting Sun. Thanks everybody in advance, I really appreciate it!

The only life Sebastian has ever known is within the confines of “The World of the Grotesque,” a travelling carnival and freak show. The motley cast and his single mother are the only family he has ever known, and for eleven years he has been quite content. That is, until a beautiful young girl lures him away from the carnival. Through her, Sebastian enters under the tutelage of an eccentric chemist who may hold secrets about the father he never knew. When the untimely arrival of a determined inspector drives the three friends back to the carnival, Sebastian must choose between his new friends and his old family, all while a mysterious and brutal killer begins targeting members of the carnival.

I'm sorry I don't have any constructive critique for you. I quite like this as is. Succinct, pointed, and catchy. Thumbs up Isaac.

There is a bit of repeat that could benefit tighting up.
'Only' (once for life an once for family) and 'has ever known' (twice) and then later 'never knew'.

The story sounds intriguing, but I am left with the feeling that Sebastian actually knows nothing, which is not a bad thing in itself but it would be nice to leave it more subtle.

Maybe put both life and family in one package?

For eleven years, the only life and family Sebastian has ever known is the motley crew within the confines...etc.

You could state that he never felt as if he was missing anything until a beautiful girl lures him away...

Sorry I can't help more. Don't be afraid to experience and to try to use words and verbs that explains more than the usual 'to be'.

Thanks Jessica, glad you like it!

Thanks for pointing out the repetition G.G., I'll definitely adjust that. But what do you mean being more subtle about Sebastian not knowing much?

What I meant was mostly to try not to repeat it so many times. By tightening the wording you should achieve your goal.

If you state that he lived all his life with the motley cast, it implies that he must not know much (if any at all) of the outside world without saying it directly.

It's like if you said the only pet you have is a dog, you wouldn't have to specify that you don't own a cat or a bird. I mean you could do it still but it would be redundant. It's the same for Sebastian. Try to let the readers know in as few words as possible.

And I am sorry for repeating myself. In my previous message, I was on iPad and in a hurry. :( I should have read myself twice ;(

It sounds like horror so I shortened it. Actually, it's pretty short now! :) Anyway... (with placeholder)

Sebastian lives in a traveling freak show. "The World of The Grotesque" is all he knows. When beautiful young Mary catches his attention, he follows her. But Sebastian is not supposed to leave. A brutal killer stalks him, eliminating his family one by one.

M.L. Roberts wrote: "It sounds like horror so I shortened it. Actually, it's pretty short now! :) Anyway... (with placeholder)

Sebastian lives in a traveling freak show. "The World of The Grotesque" is all he knows. W..."

Like this....

Sebastian grew up in “The World of the Grotesque,” a travelling carnival and freak show, the motley cast and his mother the only family he has. For eleven years, he was content. That is, until a beautiful young girl lures him away. Through her, Sebastian becomes the student of an eccentric chemist who may hold secrets about the father he never knew. Then the untimely arrival of a determined inspector drives the three friends back to the carnival. Now Sebastian must choose between new friends and old family, as a brutal killer targets both.

I agree with the repetitive nature of the wording as noted previously. To me, it feels just a little bit too long, and a little bit too much detail. Consider not introducing all the characters here (possibly skip the eccentric chemist and the determined inspector--good descriptive words, though). Just my thoughts.

Thanks for all the advice! It seems the general consensus is that I should work on cutting down repetitive wording and maybe condense some of the information. The young girl and the chemist actually prove to be major characters (the inspector not as much), so I think I want to keep them in the picture. And the genre is less of a horror and more like a suspense or historical fiction with strong gothic tones.

Here's an updated blurb. It isn't much shorter, I'm afraid, but perhaps is more on par with the recommendations made here?

The only family Sebastian has ever known is the motley cast of a travelling carnival known as “The World of the Grotesque.” For eleven years, Sebastian has been content with this life, and had no interest in the outside world- until he met Bianca. Through her, he becomes the student of Adrian Mora, an eccentric chemist who may hold secrets about the father Sebastian never knew. But when a brutal killer begins targeting members of the carnival, Sebastian finds himself caught in a battle for his life in which he must choose between his old family and his new friends.

You are going to hate me. :P

First, you repeated 'known' twice in the first sentence. Maybe try to replace the second 'known' with something else? Called maybe?
Also you mention Sebastien by name in every sentence.

The only family Sebastian has ever known is the motley cast of a travelling carnival called “The World of the Grotesque.” For eleven years, he has been content with this life, and had no interest in the outside world- until he met Bianca. Through her, he becomes the student of an eccentric chemist who may hold secrets about a father he never met. But when a brutal killer begins targeting members of the carnival, Sebastian finds himself caught in a battle for his life in which he must choose between his old family and his new friends.

(I am debating on the replacing Sebastian for 'he' in this sentence: 'Through her, he becomes the student of an eccentric chemist who may hold secrets about a father he never met' because it may cause confusion about whose father, but I still think you don't need to mention Sebastian by name so often.)

I removed the chemist name to leave a bit of an unknown. Readers will discover his name as they read the story.
I also replaced the last 'knew' by 'met' to add a little variety in your choice of words. (Because again, you had three times the word known/knew in your short blurb.) Aside from that, I like it better. It's a little more concise. Good job!

This revised version I like a lot better--and I agree with G.G.'s suggestions too. You definitely have made it much more engaging. I recommend you sleep on it, and then just reread it in the morning. You will probably see some perfect words to add or delete.

Clare wrote: "Sebastian grew up in “The World of the Grotesque,” a travelling carnival and freak show, the motley cast and his mother the only family he has. For eleven years, he was content. That is, until a be..."

I love the way Clare "cleaned" up the blurb. It's easier to read.

When the untimely arrival of a determined inspector drives the three friends back to the carnival, Sebastian must choose between his new friends and his old family, all while a mysterious and brutal killer begins targeting members of the carnival.

But when a brutal killer begins targeting members of the carnival, Sebastian finds himself caught in a battle for his life in which he must choose between his old family and his new friends.

Not a fan of the ends of either blurb. I'm a bit intrigued until I get this far. Both endings leave me shrugging. It feels like there's too much story crammed in there. Why would Sebastian have to choose between family and friends due to a killer targeting the members of the carnival? In the first, it seems that the inspector is forcing Sebastian to choose between family and friends, then the idea is quickly dropped so you can mention the killer.

It might be best to leave some of this out. You don't want to dump too much story into the blurb, just enough to pique interest.

Thank you all for your feedback! It's really helping to shape up the blurb.

Dwayne, another group I posted in noted that the killer bit felt "tacked on." I tried to amend that, but I guess I didn't do as well as I thought. I figured mentioning the killer would serve as an effective hook, where that bit of intrigue turns into an actual interest. It's also a pretty important piece of the plot.
To answer your question, he must choose between friends and family because the entire carnival suspects Adrian (his friend and mentor) of being the killer. The inspector is relatively minor and is probably the most expendable portion of the blurb, hence his removal in the revised version.

The first blurb hooked me. I immediately like and root for the main character. The second blurb seemed a little convoluted to me. Who is Bianca? What happened to Mary? Is Mary important in the story, or does she just lead him to the chemist?

Two things that stopped me:
Eleven years
Unless the character is only 11 years old this reference seems unimportant to me. We already know that he grew up in the carnival. That's enough info. No?

“The World of the Grotesque,”
At first I thought this was the title so I thought it was okay in your blurb. Not great, but okay. After rereading your post I realized your title is Tragedy of a Setting Sun. Very nice, by the way.
The World of the Grotesque as the name of the carnival group is unnecessary in your blurb. A travelling carnival and freak show is better without the name.

Short and sweet is better. Longer blurbs tend to make me lose interest as an avid reader and reviewer, because they tell the whole story so why read the book. Leave a bit of mystery to make the reader want to read the actual book for more. Shorter blurb:


"The only life Sebastian has ever known is within the confines of “The World of the Grotesque,” a travelling carnival and freak show. The motley cast and his single mother are the only family he has ever known, and for years he has been quite content, until....."