Support for Indie Authors discussion

Hi, my name is Lea and I am new to the site. No one told me that writing a blurb would be this hard and I can certainly use some new eyes and some help.

This is my first blurb and my problem is that the first 2 paragraphs don't even happen in the book ...

All Samantha Carr wanted after she returned home from a year long emotional trip to Nippon, Japan was to relax, hang out with her best friend Savannah Garica-Wilde and settle into her new life as the Lord of the Fuijikagi Sohei in New London, British Columbia. And maybe, just maybe start a romance with Sentinel Agent Mile Reid.
But her plans are shattered when first Savannah and then Flora - Savannah's wife - as well as Sam possible new love interest are kidnapped by the evil megalomaniac known only as the Director. Sam wastes no time springing into action, calling in favours and putting together a rescue mission.

Then things get worse.

An accident sends everyone from the Director's hideout hurtling through space and dimension, stranding them on a hostile world.

With an entire world trying to kill her Samantha must find her friends and anyone else the Director had kidnapped for his nefarious plans. She must find a way back to Earth from a planet with no technology that seems to be on the verge of destroying itself....

Now this is my second attempt...

Samantha Carr was raised in an average Canadian Catholic family and she led a picturesque childhood until her life became a little more complicated. She was drawn into a religious feud between ancient Japanese samurai cults, tragically lost her first love and her child. She turned into a superhero, discovered that her true love was another woman that she could never have. And she discovered that almost her entire life had been a manipulation by an evil genius bent on recreating human civilization in his own image… and all of that was before Samantha was transported to a hostile dimension where the forces of life and death are locked in a battle that is coming to its ultimate dreadful conclusion.

To add to Samantha’s trial is the realization that she did not make the journey alone and her friends and family have been scattered across the strange planet, too. Join Samantha Carr on her desperate struggle against an alien world where cultures clash, beliefs are challenged, and even the basic physical laws of her universe no longer apply.

However, her greatest challenge may not lay in locating her lost friends, facing horrifying dangers, or even finding a way back to Earth, but can she reconcile her self-discoveries about who she really is as a hero, a leader, a warrior, and as a woman…

Any suggestions and help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks all in advance.

Lea

Sorry, should have added that. It's a for Kindle yes. It doesn't really fit solidly into one genre, having a bit of scifi and a bit of fantasy and it is also the first book in a series. Is there anything else I need to include? I am new to the community and still getting a handle on what is allowed.

Thanks for the reply Michael.

Hi Lea, welcome to the group! First off, gotta say these are way too long for a blurb, and way too dense with information. It feels more like a summary than anything. It might help if you clarify what you mean when you say that the first two paragraphs don't even happen in the book. Are they just backstory? Slim the blurb to just enough where the reader can understand the genre and very basic plot, but is still able to hook them in. It may take a few runs, but we are here to help!!

They are both too long and somewhat confusing. Try sticking to the main plot and the main characters.

I agree it's too long and also confusing so I looked at the book, Broken Gate. If it's about a portal/gate that can't be found, you might say something about that.

The portal is closing.
Samantha went from an alternate world in feudal Japan to another galaxy at war with itself. It happened. She had nothing to do with it.

Michael wrote: "YES, first sentence: hooky, great, but too many adjectives: can we lose "feudal" and "another"?
And I have deliberately not re-read the original, so as to see this afresh. "It" happened, is tooooo ..."

Sure! Do it! :)

Thank you all so much. 3rd try :)

The Gate was broken.
It had been for a millennium. Still, it listened, searching for the energy that would make it whole. When it found such it fulfilled its purpose and redirected the surge of energy to the planet it watched over.

Samantha Carr finds herself in the middle of just such a surge. Now she is stranded on an alien, hostile world, where the forces of life and death are locked in a battle that is coming to its ultimate dreadful conclusion. To add to Samantha’s trial is the realization that she did not make the journey alone and her friends and family have been scattered across the strange planet as well.

Can Sam find her people and find a way back to Earth before the world destroys itself…

I copied and pasted our moderator's response to another poster's blurb help request. VM's guide is spot on and can help you focus in on what would be the most effective elements in composing your blurb.

I think the problem with your blurb is a problem every prepublished writer should wish for. You have a creative and interesting story and your writing is a delight to read. If you haven't already queried agents for this story, I advise you to pause on the self-publishing button. Send your queries out and I bet you'll get more than one bite. Some writing stands out from the slush pile, and if your manuscript follows through on your blurb examples posted here than your submission will stand out. Good luck.

Hey Larry,

It sounds like you have some interesting elements, but the blurb is a little on the vague side right now. There are certain things blurbs need to have in order to sell the story effectively.

1. Setting (where is this story taking place? Present day? Fantasy-land? City?)

2. Main Character (you have this a bit, why is Ferdie emotionally disturbed - note that unless you give a reason, teenagers don't like being labelled)

3. Plot - (So Ferdie has to unite the Seven. Why? The first sentence and hook are a little awkwardly constructed. What is the threat?)

4. Hook - (Your last sentence is good. Does the job)

I'd suggest reworking the blurb to address the points above and re-post. It sounds like you have a story that would appeal, so let's make sure your blurb sells it right.

Really brief and yet enticing - great as a model. Thank you.

Wow. Nice, Temple!

Gerry wrote: "I still want to change mine, even after printing! Never happy, whatever I do. Is it a man thing? ;)"

Let's not get sexist about this - it's neither a man nor a woman thing..it's just human to be dissatisfied with one's work and to keep chiseling away at it until one feels a certain degree of comfort at the thought of sending it out into the wide world where it will be viewed by thousands of pairs of critical eyes and then possibly also criticized by as many sharp brains - good for us, I think as our over inflated egos are then cut down to size.

Thanks so very much everyone. My blurb is so much better now. Not completely satisfied with it but much better. I am going to leave it for a bit and get back to writing the second book. Thanks again :)