Terminalcoffee discussion

I've been reading, off and on when not with Hemingway, Pema Chodron's The Places That Scare You. Chodron asserts, if I understand correctly, that psychological self-abuse (not the physical kind, heh) in which you berate yourself, etc. is particulary damaging to the self. Now, this is somewhat of a non-American approach, I have to say, with the whole "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" and "always push for self-improvement" mindset in contrast with Chodron's thought (from what I can tell). I can't go into detail here, and I probably couldn't articulate the concept well even if I could go into detail here, but simply put, Chodron asserts that you have to forgive yourself, see your true self/potential, and move forward out of negative habits of action and thinking from a place of peace. I know that sound way touchy-feely, but she says this better than I do. But I still get defensive and beat myself up on that end.

Anyway...for what do you beat yourself up?

I tend to be pretty hard on myself for my interaction with my kids. There's always a sense of I'm spending too much time with them, then too little, too hard on them, too easy. I'm not asking for sympathy here...no "you're a good parent!" messages, please. I'm just being honest. I'm sure other parents know what I mean. My kids are turning out ok, I think, although my oldest is pretty hard on himself, too.

I've pushed myself to prove my worth academically the last couple of decades because I was such a fuck-up in high school that I wanted the safety that comes along with a job and money in the bank and a greater sense of measurable self-worth. I'm starting to understand that no amount of money in the bank or status at work is going to make me safe. I'm learning to let that go.

Strangely enough, I don't beat myself up for my physical form much. If I started slacking on working out I would, I suppose, but I'm fairly diligent on that end. A psychologist friend once told me, "you'll begin to get healthy when you're ready to get healthy." That was true for me...once I finished a slew of projects and my kids got a little older I was ready. Although I doubt I will ever be totally satisfied on that end.

And...you?

tend to be pretty hard on myself for my interaction with my kids. There's always a sense of I'm spending too much time with them, then too little, too hard on them, too easy.

That is what I beat myself up over the most to RA.

Not thinking before I speak. I tend to hurt people's feelings with my frankness of speech and then hate myself for it.

Also what RA said about kids. That's the one that hurts the most.

I really don't need much to beat myself over for. I'm pretty good at self-flagellation without much provocation.

Gus wrote: "I really don't need much to beat myself over for. I'm pretty good at self-flagellation without much provocation."

I am too Gus, but like Gretchen says the ones that hurt the most is the ones with the kids.

allowing myself to bother with people that 'ACT stupid' !

Randomanthony wrote: "I've been reading, off and on when not with Hemingway, Pema Chodron's The Places That Scare You. Chodron asserts, if I understand correctly, that psychological self-abuse (not the physical kind, h..."

Very well written! :)

Interesting that you're reading this book at the same time as me, friend.


I'm working through this again because I noticed earlier this summer that I was in a fairly negative holding pattern. Not that anything is desperately wrong with my life right now. In fact, I'll probably wax nostalgic about 2007-2009 when I'm pruny.

Unpacks heavy load:
A lot of guilt about the way I've left former employers. I could have/should have not burned so many bridges.

Things I've said to other people. I'm still learning to shut the eff up and ask more questions. My opinions are often unnecessarily told, damaging or ruining friendships.

My terrible, not good habit of not returning phone calls.

More to come.

I also am pleased that you started this thread, RA, because I was wanting to discuss this same topic but was afraid it bordered too close to the apology/grievances thread of Nov08.

Kids are the greatest guilt trip of all, yep. But I keep telling myself I'm doing the best I can.

Pets are another guilt-trip! I need to play with, walk, etc. more.

pet guilt trip * i am here at my desk * my dog has his feet on my leg * being very calm * waiting and waiting .... here I sit , should be working but typing on goodreads :) and :( sigh * gotta take him for a walk NOW!

I spend a lot of time with my kids, I quit my job of eight years and cashed in my retirement to be with Madison from the git go. Now my eldest needs new everything and I have no expendable cash to upgrade her must haves.
I am not sorry to give my kids devotion but now I wonder if it's losing some of it's quality. Back to work I go and Madison is off to preschool and I will feel good again.

economy, I can self- torment me into an anxiety attack over economy.
We have quite a lot of debt, and I start out each year determinded that this year I'm really going to "live on a rock" and get rid of huge chunks of it. But as the year progresses, well apart from the obvious stuff, cars brake down, stuff that can't wait has to be fixed on the house, I never manage more than 20-30% of my goal, and still buy too many books, take the kids fun places, get tempted when I go shopping etc.

Oh whew. An update to a thread that has an actual, new comment. Carry on.

My mom and dad are 84. Dad's gotten grouchy as his health problems have increased, and all but three of Mom's brothers and sisters are gone. I talk to my parents every day on the phone or in person and help out when they'll let me. Still, I know Dad's dealing with facing his mortality, and Mom's feeling the loss of her siblings - and also has to put up with grouchy dad. I feel sad about my parents getting old, and I know I need to do more to keep their spirits up.

Sorry to hear that, Scout. My parents are both gone. Cherish every second with yours.

Thanks. I will. Spent some time with them this evening. My dog makes them smile. I get why dogs are welcome at elder care facilities.

at my grandma's nursing home for people who were demented, they had cats, because they could see from charts end experiments, that the stress levels of the elderly decreased, when they had an animal to pet and watch :-)

That's right, Louise. At the memory unit where I deliver books, they also have lifelike baby dolls. Many of the women like to rock and cuddle these babies. They bring back fond memories of their own wee babes.

I don't beat myself up for anything I said to the former TC elite about Obama. Turns out he wasn't the Great Black Hope. Just a politician with a cumbersome plan for changing health care in the US. There were more elegant and workable solutions.

I am not sure it can be blamed on Obama. He probably came to the job with a grand vision, but like all politicians, he found once he got into the job, that he had to negotiate with conflicting parties to get anything done. The end result is a dogs breakfast. We had that problem when GST (a goods & services Tax) was introduced. It should have been simple, but to get the bill through parliament it meant compromising the simplicity to satisfy other interests. It turned into an administrative nightmare.

It can be blamed on Obama. He created a new, complicated, and cumbersome system when he could have expanded Medicaid, an existing system, to cover the uninsured.

I'll have to let you be the judge Scout as I don't know any of the details. I just know how our political system works and assumed yours works similarly.

I do like this "a dog's breakfast" Probably not so good. You're right, Gail. People do run for office with good intentions and great ideas and the system grinds them down.