Support for Indie Authors discussion

Help! I've been staring at this blurb for so long that it feels like it makes no sense at all. Could one of you be kind enough to give me some feedback on if this works or not?

Could you walk away from your past to save the Moon?

Jonah wants to show his father that he can carry out his one last request; scatter his brother’s ashes on the Moon. A chance meeting in a bar, turns his short trip turns into an epic quest for the freedom of the oppressed moon folk.

Yesha wants to get away from her controlling uncle. An unplanned dinner with Jonah gives her a chance to do that and so much more.

Two people’s lives intertwine to change the future of the moon.

“Great story and characters. Good descriptions of the moon and how life would be lived there. Science fiction fans will not be disappointed with this one." (reviewer on Amazon)

Sounds good, I'm not very good at blurbs either. In your second sentence in your third paragraph, you said turns twice "turns his short trip turns into..." you should take out the second one out. Also, your opening line makes it sound the like the moon is in danger, maybe you could mention why it's in danger or what is threatening it, I don't know.

Overall, sounds pretty good. I hope my comments were helpful.

Should "moon" be capitalized or not? You have it both ways and it should be consistent.

"A chance meeting in a bar, turns his short trip turns into an epic quest for the freedom of the oppressed moon folk."

Clumsy, but slightly interesting. There could be more. Who is oppressing the "moon folk"? What are "moon folk"? Why is Jonah concerned about them?

"Yesha wants to get away from her controlling uncle. An unplanned dinner with Jonah gives her a chance to do that and so much more."

Isn't Jonah going to the moon? Is Yesha going with him? Isn't the moon and oppressive place? How is that better than a controlling uncle?

It's not terrible at all, but I feel I need more detail, something to really make this story stand out. As it is, it feels vague and flat.

I'd lose the review. Tell me more about the story, not what some anonymous person said about it.

This is where I'd go. But I'm noted for short blurbs. Hope it helps

Could you walk away from your past to change the future?

Jonah wants to show his father that he can carry out his last request; scatter his brother’s ashes on the moon.

Yesha wants to escape her controlling uncle.

A chance meeting in a bar, followed by an unplanned dinner, sees two people’s lives intertwine in an attempt to save the moon

I know this was posted a few days ago, but I thought I would have a go. How about this? I used a more active voice.

Could you abandon your past to save the future of the Moon?

Jonah needs to fulfil his father’s final request, to scatter his brother’s ashes on the Moon. Yesha is desperate to escape her domineering Uncle. Their lives collide. A random meeting in a bar becomes an epic quest for freedom, with the fate of the Moon, and its people at stake.

Thanks for all the feedback.

This is what I have now:

Could you abandon your past to save the future of the Moon?

A wayward son is sent to Change' lunar station to redeem himself, but Jonah has other plans. Yesha is desperate to escape her domineering Uncle. Their lives collide in a perfect storm for Jonah as he is swept into the raging undercurrent of the Moon's racial tensions and politics where no one is safe and freedom is at risk.

I like both the first and latest. Each one gives me a different feel for the protagonist so I'm not really sure where he's coming from as far as motivation. I think what I would like is a sense of his nemesis. Who or what is he up against on the moon, a person, a corporation, a culture. It sounds like it takes place pretty far in the future where a trip to the moon is not unusual and there has been enough time to institutionalize things. I'm looking for more of a juxtaposition between now and then. I'm probably not being very clear on this :) but the best I can do for now! :)