Amazon exiles discussion

:-D

😀😀

Gingerlily - Mistress Lantern wrote: "I’d forgotten that the garden centre at Morrison’s in Boroughbridge has a framed copy of Morty’s order for 2 gnomes and a watering-can from 1999. Amazing that no-one’s nicked it yet."
Those will be the same gnomes he posed with on the cover of the "What A Lot of Pixies" EP. Some sarcastic reviewers suggested this was to try to make himself look taller, ignoring the fact that, ironically, Chalfont was referring to them after previous small minded reviews of his pioneering work with the Big Band Baroque Synth Ensemble". At least one young fan appreciated the record and in fact now uses a variation of the title as her performing name.

Suzysunshine wrote " No, Morrisons ... despite all of the technological improvements in state of the art Store Security it would seem that shoplifting continues to remain such a huge problem these days. Morrisons is technically still in Boroughbridge - but brick by brick it has now been moved almost half a mile down the Main Road from where it was originally sited."
Did you mean "shop-fitting" ?

No, shop-lifting. My local Tesco is a mile further away than it was 5 years ago. A team of little gnomes lifts it off the ground and moves it slightly every night.

Gingerlily - Mistress Lantern wrote: "No, shop-lifting. My local Tesco is a mile further away than it was 5 years ago. A team of little gnomes lifts it off the ground and moves it slightly every night."

It's such a pain, isn't it? I mean it's bad enough trying to work out which Aisles they have swapped around since you last went in the Store ... but now you also have to try and find the Store first before you can get lost inside it!

Hmmm, maybe that's just where Mortimer Chalfont is right now? - lost between two newly created Aisles within a relocated Store somewhere? ;o>

Oh very likely. Its just the kind of thing he would do!

Not good to be shelf-stacking at his age.

Maybe he's the one who swaps the aisles around every night.

Lez wrote: "Not good to be shelf-stackiing at his age."
Oh Lez, that's a bit ageist ! Chalfont was born allegedly in 1946 (Schnauzer et al) same year as Dolly Parton and Freddie Mercury - that's two big ones to consider- so he's only 71 and could still hold down a manual job. On the other hand, when asked in 2007 if he thought he'd ever achieve a Number 1 he replied, typically elliptical, "At my age it can be difficult to produce good Number Two's". Some critics cruelly suggested that he was rather good at it.

Further research on possible links between our Morty and Mortimer's Hairdressing Salon in Chalfont St Peter throws up a sinister link. On 11th July 2010 a man drove his car through the front window of the shop during business hours. Luckily nobody was injured. http://www.bucksfreepress.co.uk/news/...
You will all remember that George Michael crashed his car into a Snappy Snap shop in London on 4th July 2010. Was this just a "dry run" and was the former Wham member, jealous of the talent and success of Chalfont, trying to wipe out the competition? Surely too much of a coincidence !

I'm trying very, very hard to keep a straight face regarding the name of the shop's interviewee.

nocheese wrote: "I'm trying very, very hard to keep a straight face regarding the name of the shop's interviewee."

😀
.......and he’s from Stoke Poges

nocheese wrote: "I'm trying very, very hard to keep a straight face regarding the name of the shop's interviewee."

I don't know what you mean nocheese ?? but it appears from the photo that the culprit actually reversed into the shop - ruling out an accident I think - to ensure a quick getaway. A close shave for Morty ?

Lez wrote: "......and he’s from Stoke Poges"
I understand there are a lot of Bendermachers in Stoke Poges. I believe the name may be South American. The salon says it caters for "the full Brazilian".

All flippancy aside, Huck, that was an impressive bit of research on your part. If only Schnauzer had been equally rigorous. I'm sure everyone can come up with examples of his unfortunate misconceptions.

nocheese wrote: "All flippancy aside, Huck, that was an impressive bit of research on your part. If only Schnauzer had been equally rigorous. I'm sure everyone can come up with examples of his unfortunate misconcep..."
Thanks nocheese, but with reference to Schnauzer's "unfortunate misconceptions" I don't believe he produced any offspring, or perhaps his life's work as Chalfont's biographer (unauthorised) may have been continued.

Perhaps so, Huck. Nevertheless, I'm intrigued by a reference in the acknowledgements section of Sarah Tompkinson's admirable update of the biography (unauthorised) to a certain Franz Schnauzer Jnr of Westphalia. She describes his cooperation as invaluable in the restoration of "this seminal work" (my inverted commas).

I see you are drawing a discreet veil over the unfortunate spelling mistake in the first version.

nocheese wrote: "Perhaps so, Huck. Nevertheless, I'm intrigued by a reference in the acknowledgements section of Sarah Tompkinson's admirable update of the biography (unauthorised) to a certain Franz Schnauzer Jnr ..."
Freidrich "Fritz" Schnauzer's father and grandfather were both christened Franz after Francis, Duke of Saxe-Coburg-Saalfeld, to whom they claimed to be descended (and who is the great-great-great-great-grandfather of Queen Elizabeth II). So Franz Jnr may be Fritz's father. It is known that Fritz spent some periods in the family home in Bavaria when he was dictating the Chalfont biography. Perhaps the original disks were left there? Many of the transcription errors in the original book were attributed by Sarah to Schnauzer sounding like he was "dictating while eating Schnitzel" - a staple diet in those parts.

Original Amazon Discussion on Mortimer Chalfont available for 7 days here (FREE):
https://we.tl/oYwAlGs98F

Excellent news - recommended reading.

i'll take one, cheers!

Is it autographed by the man himself?

Can someone sum it up for me in one paragraph? I'm getting old and my attention span is dwindling.

Gingerlily - Mistress Lantern wrote: "Can someone sum it up for me in one paragraph? I'm getting old and my attention span is dwindling."
The bio of Mortimer Chalfont, the semi-legendary, eccentric British music pioneer who from the mid 60's has worked with and influenced many world famous and other globally anonymous artists. His work has been variously described as experimental, complex, purgative and reasonably priced. Due to a combination of paradoxically hostile and simultaneously apathetic critical reviews, bad luck and halitosis, Chalfont consistently failed to gain the recognition his horoscopes said he deserved. From the early noughties Chalfont became more and more disillusioned and reclusive and finally disappeared from public view. His current whereabouts, activities (and even existence) is still uncertain. This forum is an opportunity for his many loyal fans to share memories and hopefully dispel any of the misinformation about Mortimer Chalfont that is constantly appearing online.

SussexWelsh wrote: "Is it autographed by the man himself?"
As you know Sussex, Chalfont was a perverse character. In the seventies he became tired of signing his signature and started signing other people's names on his merchandise and sales began to decline. Threatened with legal challenges by George Michael after using the initials for Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart on a poster, he stopped signing autographs altogether and started making other marks on product. Sales fell even further when some fans complained because he had blown his nose on their T Shirts. They proved to be the lucky ones! The situation is further complicated by the fact that bootleggers filled the vacuum by signing Chalfont's name on fake merchandise. We are now in the position that a Chalfont autograph is unlikely to be genuine and many collectors have also had to have their John Lenonn and Crytsal Gayle (sic) ** signatures verified.
** - Morty was a notoriously bad speller.

Thanks Huck, thats now all crystal clear. Or maybe Crystal Gayle!

Apparently, the Schnauzer family wittily called their Bavarian home Black Forest Chateau, in honour of Fritz’s French wife, Eleanor of Knight’s Castile.

Lez wrote: "Apparently, the Schnauzer family wittily called their Bavarian home Black Forest Chateau, in honour of Fritz’s French wife, Eleanor of Knight’s Castile."

He does refer to her in the book's dedication as "Mon cherry"

Some Goodreads regulars and new members of the Amazon Exiles may see this discussion and think "Mortimer Chalfont - never heard of him. What has he ever done for rock music?" and yet his influence and legacy lives on, as relevant today as it's ever been.
One example, with which you may be familiar, is the craze that developed at Morty's gigs from the late 70's. His concerts often started late due to Chalfont's complex PA and make-up requirements and was exacerbated at this time by his pot noodle addiction. As a result the crowd, in a restless, inebriated state would leave their seats and engulf the orchestra pit area at the front of the stage, impatient to hear some music and attracted by the smell of chow mein. By the time Morty and Band started to play they were met by a writhing melee of fans being crushed, trampled and jumping up and down for air. This area became known as the "MoCh" pit - an abbreviation of Morty's name, (pronounced "mosh") and the fashion quickly became popular. In fact the trend was adopted by American punk music fans in the 80's and taken to dangerous (sadly even lethal) extremes and earned Chalfont a bad reputation (rather unfairly I think) that sticks to this day.

I'm seriously confused. I'd always understood that term to have originated from Chalfont but was under the impression it was from his failed comeback special. Never one to shy away from an opportunity Mortimer had styled the 70's TV special along the lines of Elvis' famous show. He had no truck with the black leather jumpsuit and had styled himself after the latest fashions (of the time) mohair hemp and a wealth of hirsuite body hair. Under the intense studio lighting this combination did not sit well with Morty, who was enthusiastically trying his best and working up a sweat that you can see splash over the front row of the (surely press ganged) youthful audience. Upon stripping down to his bare chest and attempting a Townsend on his guitar one audience member is audibly heard commenting about "Mo's shit pits" a phrase I assumed to enter common parlance for sweaty hairy ugly environs. Morty's special was never aired of course, but bootlegs have surfaced on 8mm reels.

Sera69 wrote: "I'm seriously confused. I'd always understood that term to have originated from Chalfont but was under the impression it was from his failed comeback special...."
You may be right Sera, both stories sound equally plausible. I'd love to get a copy of the 8mm reels of the man at his peak. His sense of fashion was truly unique and many tried to copy him. I remember he was asked once if he tie-dyed his underpants and, although he denied it, it's hard to see how he could have achieved those circular coloured patterns any other way.

While doing some research for an assignment on my part time Open University history thesis (The Norman Pre-Conquest) I have come across some information that suggests that Morty's musical tradition stretches further back than we thought and that his influence may be more wide ranging than we have considered heretofore. During the reign of Louis the Pious in France 812-840 AD there is an account by a royal scribe (roughly translated) "Thus were the royal court entertained by their favourite trouvere (troubadour) Pierre Le Chalefonte with a performance of ballads and dances played on a strange brass horn. As an encore Chalefonte amused the lords by imitating the sounds of the English king by putting one hand under his armpit and moving his other arm up and down, after which the king had several peasants boiled alive." The French surname "Chalefonte" appears to be made up of "Chale" meaning "shawl" and "fonte" meaning "to dampen" - itinerant troubadors commonly wore this sort of attire and were generally extremely malodorous, although even French kings were known for their fetid reek and Louis the Pious was once referred to as "Louis the Pouis" by the English King Egbert (himself sometimes called "Rotten Egbert"). I'm hoping there will be other forum members who can uncover further details.

Another possibility of the origin of the name is that it is a corruption of 'Charles fonte' which translates as 'Charles melts'. Perhaps a reference to the common pastime of boiling peasants alive, as alluded to in the excerpt you quote above?

Does that mean Morty is some kind of distorted Highlander? Or "Chalfonter"?

Gingerlily - Mistress Lantern wrote: "Does that mean Morty is some kind of distorted Highlander? Or "Chalfonter"?"
I think that's a bit of a stretch Gingerlily ! Can you expand upon this theory ?

Well in those times the only outlets for performance were Bard, Actor or Jester. So these professions became insanely competitive. To the point where there was a secret competition to be the foremost Jester , not by being better than the rest, but by killing off all the others. The rumour went that every time a jester killed another one he absorbed his talent. For a while one particular one seemed to be gaining ascendancy, his name being Chalfonte, so the name was adopted for the super jester, and all of them aspired to be The Chalfonter. Unfortunately for them, the one of the family attributes of this Chalfonte was extreme bad luck, so every time he seemed to have achieved his life goal something went horribly wrong. Since this was one of the hallmarks of a good jester it was simultaneously an advantage and a disadvantage. Thus making him an early case of Schrodinger's Jester!

It is lost in the mists of history and legend whether our Morty is just a descendant of the original Chalfonter, or the actual man himself, passing out of knowledge to hide the fact that he wasn't aging at the normal rate. We may never know.

My intuition tells me Morty may be a descendant of the troubador/jester of the French Court. Another pointer is the common name of "Mortemer" in Normandy - eg the site of the Cistercian Abbaye de Mortemer at Lisors near Lyons-la-Forêt and close to Rouen. Rouen was an important centre for the French government in mediaeval times, the exchequer being based there and it had a large cathedral that produced fine music. Normandy also had close ties to England - Ranulph de Mortimer was Lord of Wigmore Castle in Herefordshire and Seigneur of St. Victor-en-Caux (today Saint-Victor-l'Abbaye, Seine-Maritime, Upper Normandy). It's surely not a huge leap to imagine a young wandering minstrel boy called Mortemer Chalefonte being talent spotted by an Anglo-French nobleman and brought back to Blighty for a few concerts. Birth of a Legend ?

You may well be right Huck, and I have to admit that my theory is wild speculation. But I always thought that he had the look of a man who has seen way too much...

Gingerlily - Mistress Lantern wrote: "You may well be right Huck, and I have to admit that my theory is wild speculation. But I always thought that he had the look of a man who has seen way too much..."
You are dead right there Gingerlily. Also the look of a man who knew pain. They say that the true artist has to suffer for his art and it is fair to say that nothing came easy to Chalfont. Perhaps it is part of his greatness that, not only did he accept this suffering on his own part but was determined that his audiences should share the suffering. Surely testament to the generosity of spirit and sheer humanity of the man. He may not have cut off his ear but he made his fans wish they had cut theirs off !

And anyone leaving after his concerts had a wild, haunted look...

Gingerlily - Mistress Lantern wrote: "And anyone leaving after his concerts had a wild, haunted look..."

Yes, always a very spiritual experience.

Heard an interesting rumour last night - apparently Andy Lloyd-Webber is trying to tout round an idea for a musical bio of the one and only Mortimer Chalfont tentatively titled "The Full Morty" - he's started writing the score for a West End Show and he's hoping Channel 4 will consider serialising it. Disappointingly, the stars being considered for the lead role are Alfie Boe and Jimmy Osmond - I'd have preferred Bill Bailey. Any thoughts ?

I'd be in favour of open auditions. No one really knows where Morty is these days - and could he resist the temptation to star as himself?

On the other hand, we don't know what ALW is planning - might not be an altogether flattering portrait. In fact, unless it's a complete whitewash, it won't be.

just a pity that marty feldman is no longer with us and able to undertake the role! amongst the living i would go for one of sir lenny henry, jimmy krankie or warwick davis to take the lead, hulk hogan at a push!

It could be like that film 'I'm Not There' where various actors portrayed different aspects of Dylan. Morty is certainly every bit as complex.

In the interests of equality I would suggest Susan Boyle.

Lez wrote: "In the interests of equality I would suggest Susan Boyle."
I can see how the chest hair cleavage would work Lez but I'm not sure the public are ready for the sight of Subo ripping her T Shirt off and throwing it into the crowd !
I think Nocheese has a point - you'd need several stars to portray Morty at different ages. I just can't bear the thought of Olly Murs singing "Something Squidgy"

Craig wrote: "just a pity that marty feldman is no longer with us and able to undertake the role! amongst the living i would go for one of sir lenny henry, jimmy krankie or warwick davis to take the lead, hulk h..."
I fear Feldman had too much hair and too little gravitas for the role. I hear Warwick Davis has started filming the new series about Napoleon - "Escape from Elba" - to be shown on ITV3+1 (although, strangely, not on ITV3 !!) in spring 2018.