Support for Indie Authors discussion

Looking for any feedback. Constructive criticism is welcome. Do any one of these stand out more than the others? Which would draw you in? Which doesn't offer enough information? Or too much info?

Some useful information before the blurbs. It's a sci-fi/technothriller. It's set in the near future and nanotechnology is being tested. The book follows several characters, but it starts off following Morgan, a programmer-turned-terrorist.

Blurb 1:
When a video leaks of a fatally wounded soldier healed in moments, Morgan becomes suspicious of what the government is doing. Down in an information abyss, she finds an immortality project realized, but it has farther reaching implications than being a cure for death. What should be the next best thing might spell enslavement.

Morgan feels she has to act, even if it means becoming the United States most wanted terrorist. Hacking, kidnapping, theft of prototype technology. She sets her sights on corrupting their plan, and opening the eyes of the public. Using their own nanotechnology, she engineers a zombie apocalypse to wake humanity.

Blurb 2:
Nanotechnology. To most it was just fiction, something that was too far off to think about. But not to Alphaeus Lang. Quantum computing, graphene processors, advanced AI surgical robots; all only steps to his next big thing. Lang’s ideal world was one that embraced transhumanism, and shed the shackles of disease. It would be hailed as mankind’s greatest advancement.

But Morgan was leery. She recognized the potential for abuse. Rather than let the government secretly slip it in as a means of control, she felt it was necessary to act in a manner that would force the public to reject the technology. Modifying Lang’s work, she unleashes it in a way that can never be covered up, as a technological virus only she could cure.

Blurb 3:
Marines are some of the hardest people on the planet, and with the development of nanotechnology by TEAL Inc., they became just that much more so. General Truman had paired with Alphaeus Lang in order to field test a life-altering technology, one that would be hailed as the cure for all disease, maybe even death. But they didn’t anticipate that a leaked video would gain the attention of someone seeking to pervert the technology.

When Morgan takes drastic measures to find out what TEAL and the government are up to, she uncovers a plan to disseminate the nanites worldwide. Seeing the potential for abuse and control, she felt she had to act. To make people aware of the dangers she uses them to create the zombie apocalypse the world has been waiting for.

Thanks in advance to anyone who reads/helps.

Here’s where I would go.

Nanotechnology: just fiction, something too far off to think about?

Not to Alphaeus Lang. Quantum computing, graphene processors, advanced AI surgical robots; all only steps to his next big thing. Lang’s ideal world is one that embraces transhumanism, and sheds the shackles of disease. It will be hailed as mankind’s greatest advancement.

But. Morgan is leery. She sees the potential for abuse and feels it necessary to act in a manner that will force the public to reject the technology. Modifying Lang’s work, she unleashes it in a way that can never be covered up, as a technological virus only she can cure.

I prefer blurb 1. Typically, Morgan sounds like the character that the reader will enthuse with the most, even if there are other characters and perspectives.

It seems like focusing on her leaves room to find out more details about the others, with her as our vehicle.

I liked #1 the best of the three.
But it has a dangler!

"might spell the enslavement." - of what?

:)

Thanks CB. Fixed it to remove "the". Originally it was "the enslavement of mankind", but I dropped "of mankind" because that version made it seem too wordy.

Thanks also Jane and R.A. for the feedback.

Blurbs 2 and 3 should be combined. The first one flew by.

This is what happened for me Thomas. There were elements in each of the blurbs that appealed to me (that 'gotta read this one' effect). What if you moved them around a bit?

For me Blurb 2, Para 1 is the set-up; Blurb 1, Para 1 presents the 'opportunity' for protag. Then Blurb 3 Para 2 provides the heart of the plot (ext motivation). (With this chrono, I'd only suggest you add a reference to TEAL in Blurb 2, Para 1 for association clarity.
And one small grammar oversight "she felt she had to act" - change to active for tense consistency.)

BTW, I'm not a usual reader of SciFi technothrillers, but this particular blurb combination in a teaser would prompt me to hit BUY. :-) Seriously.

Based on a course I took on Blurbs. 1. there is too much telling of the story here. 2. You need a one sentence hook. (often that is all people read or see your ad. So, I like Jane’s comment form with one sentence hook –
“Nanotechnology: just fiction, something too far off to think about?

Then a little expansion

Not to Alphaeus Lang. Quantum computing, graphene processors, advanced AI surgical robots; all only steps to his next big thing. Lang’s ideal world is one that embraces transhumanism, and sheds the shackles of disease. It will be hailed as mankind’s greatest advancement.

But. Morgan is leery. She sees the potential for abuse and feels it necessary to act in a manner that will force the public to reject the technology. Modifying Lang’s work, she unleashes it in a way that can never be covered up, as a technological virus only she can cure

So, in the same line.

Morgan see the potential for abuse in a new life saving technology and plans to take control of it herself. Will she help save humanity or will the power corrupt her….

Down in an information abyss, Morgan finds that a computer scientist, Lang has unleashed quantum computing, graphene processors, to sheds the shackles of disease - an immortality project realized.
But it has implications further than a cure for death. What should be the next best thing might result in enslavement.

Morgan feels she has to act, even if it means becoming the United States most wanted terrorist. Hacking, kidnapping, theft of prototype technology. She sets her sights on corrupting their plan and opening the eyes of the public. Using their own nanotechnology, she engineers a zombie apocalypse to wake humanity.

Howie

Blurb 1: Most engaging.
But,
- Morgan engineers a zombie apocalypse to get attention, for the good of the masses? I know it CAN make sense, but presented this way, my first reaction is "Wait a minute!" :)

Blurb 2: Most descriptive.
But,
- The first paragraph is too techie. While a techie might read it through finding it a "normal" text, less technically oriented people may lose interest along the way. Is your book written in a techie way? If it is, this can act as a filter, preventing non-techies getting disappointed. If not, you will lose some potential readers here.
- "But Morgan was leery." Who is Morgan? In blurb 1, she's introduced in the very beginning, which is more natural. In blurb 2 she just pops up. Maybe "On the other hand, Morgan, a well known 'nano-hacker' recognises the ..."
- "as a technological virus, only she could cure." This sounds more like a preparation for blackmail than being the good gal. :)



Blurb 3: Most sci-fi'ish.
But,
- Except for the last sentence, it has little of the thriller in it.
- Again, Morgan pops up in medias res.

Comment for all three: Who is Morgan? A freelance hacker? Someone working for a technology company? A soldier involved with the tests? A reporter?


I think the best choice or combination depends on your story and the expected readers. I wouldn't venture and chose any of the three without that knowledge.

Between here and social media, I received more feedback that Blurb 1 is the best received. But after careful consideration, and all of your help, I've combined some elements. I truly appreciate everyone's help, because it's really given me solid direction.

Final question: Do the questions at the beginning or the end help?

Morgan White: Hero or Villain?

A leaked video of a fatally wounded soldier healed in moments sends Morgan searching for answers on the deep web. Through hacking, she finds nanotechnology is an immortality project realized, and it has incredible potential for abuse. What should be the ‘next best thing’ also spells humanity’s enslavement.

Kidnapping, theft of prototype technology, conspiracy to commit an act of terrorism. She does what she feels is necessary to convince the world to reject the invention. To expose the project, and force the government to come clean, she turns the nanotechnology into a zombie-like virus only she can cure.

Will the government finally negotiate with a terrorist, or will they allow the country to be overrun?

I always think questions help. They are a hook to draw people in.
:D