SCPL Online NonFiction Book Club discussion

Good afternoon everyone! To start off, I wondered if any of you were familiar with Aziz Ansari before picking up this book? I became a fan of Ansari after watching the sitcom Parks and Recreation, and became an even bigger fan after watching Master of None, the show he recently created for Netflix (and stars in). Somewhere in between, I picked up Modern Romance and found it really resonated with me.

If you’re familiar with Aziz Ansari, does his brand of comedy make you more or less likely to read this book? If you’ve seen Master of None, did you notice any parallels between this book and the show?

Ansari begins Modern Romance with an anecdote about a woman named Tanya. After hitting it off with Tanya, Ansari sends a text message inviting her to a concert. He gets a notification that Tanya has read the message and had started to type a reply, but no reply ever comes. Ansari finds himself descending into a “madness” that “wouldn’t have even existed twenty or even ten years ago” (p. 5).

What did you think about this anecdote? Have you been in the same position, waiting for a response to a text message or email that never comes, even though you know the person has seen your message? How did this make you feel? Or, have you been guilty of leaving someone else hanging? What is your take on the etiquette in this situation?

I look forward to hearing from you!

I haven't really watched much of Aziz's shows before but I picked up Modern Romance on a whim from the Library two years ago. It seemed like it would be an interesting read as someone who is interested in dating.

I really liked that anecdote especially with modern technology letting us know if someone's read/seen a message yet - even outside the world of dating. It's really frustrating to feel like someone is not responding to your message - but at the same time, sometimes I really want to think how I will respond to something without that first gut reaction. I find today's technology almost forces us to respond faster and quicker, which isn't always better for the situation.

Before this book I had never heard of Aziz Ansari. I haven’t watched Parks & Rec but that didn’t stop me from reading (and loving) Amy Poehler’s “Yes Please” either. I was initially a bit skeptical of reading dating advice from a celebrity but when I realized the scale and quality of the researchers he has partnered with I was intrigued. (how’s that for an academic bias showing through ;) ) I’ve only read the first two chapters so far and I am really enjoying it.

The situation with Tanya is something I DEFINITELY can relate to. It is such a frustrating and stressful part of modern dating. The second guessing of how fast you should respond even when you read the message right away, or trying to read it without it marking as “read” is terrible. Do you respond quickly so they know you’re into them and want to chat? Or wait so you seem not so desperate and needy. It’s brutal. Like many people I live on my phone. Even at work it’s always close by. It doesn’t matter if you text me, message me by Facebook or Whatsapp, call me, email me, I’ll likely see it fairly soon after you sent your communication. It doesn’t mean I can or will respond right away but I probably know you reached out. And that brings up the, what platform do you use? Even with platonic friends who don’t care when or how I respond, do I text? FB? Call? It’s so confusing! Like Anne said, we feel like we need to respond faster and quicker but that isn’t always better.

I’m looking forward to reading more of this book, and maybe even getting some tips!

Hi ladies! I hope you had a good weekend and thank you for your responses. Did you see that Aziz Ansari won a Golden Globe for his role on Master of None this past Sunday?

I have to say, Heidi, I felt the same way when this book first came out. I mean, we read comedian memoirs for a laugh and some insight into their career/personal life but do we really expect to learn something from them just because they are famous? In this case, one of the things that I love about Modern Romance is the combination of legitimate research and light-hearted comedy.

I have to say, I totally agree about the pressure that comes when we know someone knows we've seen their message and not responded. It certainly goes both ways!

I am like you, Heidi (and I'm sure many of us are these days), with the phone by my side at nearly all times. Therefore, does it seem rude to not text, email, or respond to social media messages promptly? I absolutely agree with Anne--sometimes we need some time to process a message we've received and sometimes it's better to take some time to prepare a response!

As handy as it is to have constant access to information and communication at our fingertips (literally), it does add an awful lot of stress and pressure! I think, as we've already mentioned, this relates to both the dating world and communication in general. I look forward to chatting more with you about how technology has changed our dating lives (and our regular lives as well!)

I think what is most annoying is the doodle or whatever that comes up when someone is writing but then doesn't send their message. You were going to say something, what happened?!

The read receipt notice is fine - sometimes I quickly check my phone, and decide that the message can wait until I have more time. My friends and I have a standing understanding that we'll get to each other/respond when we can, and that we all have crazy lives. I would rather wait to respond thoughtfully, than dash off a stupid text.

Or if it is really important, - I am still one of those people who call, especially when the conversation gets convoluted or there are plans to be made.

Yes, Lillian, I agree on so many counts! It's nice that you and your friends have a mutual understanding.

One thing I think is interesting is that you say "still one of those people who call". My sister (in her early 20s) says I'm "old-fashioned" (or maybe just old) because I still "use my phone to make phone calls". I have some friends who call frequently, and some who exclusively text. But I even communicate a lot with my mom now by text, which indicates a lot has changed!

That being said, you mention that conversations can easily become convoluted or plans can be more difficult to make when communicating by text, which is a really good point. I wonder how big a role these communication difficulties play in complicating a dating world where so much is communicated by text? I assume this will be something that may come up again as we get further into the book, but please feel free to share your thoughts on this!

http://www.businessinsider.com/xennia...

I think people might find this article interesting given the topic of the book.

I had no knowledge of Aziz Ansari before picking up this book. I was initially a bit skeptical of a book about relationships by a celebrity. Like Heidi, it was the research underpinning the book that drew me in.

I thought the Tanya anecdote was brilliant because it's such a universal experience in on-line dating. You're trying to stay safe, not appear needy, make best use of limited time (as I found online dating like a part-time job!) and also make a judgement about the chances of a good first meeting based on exchanges on communication platforms that are limited/limiting. It's all so fraught, because I've learned that how we act from behind a screen of any kind is often not a true reflection of what we're like in person. As an introvert, I completely agree with Anne and Lillian's comments about preferring a considered response over a quick response.

Lillian, thank you for sharing that article! As a "Xennial" myself, it's nice to put a name to our micro-generation that seems sandwiched between the Gen X and Milennials!

Angela, thank you for your feedback! It's so true, communicating through online or text messages can be quite limiting. You raise an excellent point as well about how we act quite different behind a screen than we would in person. Ansari's anecdotes about some of the "bozo" messages that men send to women certainly demonstrate this!

As a previous online dater myself, I would agree that it can be almost like a part-time job! The challenges of online dating are something we will definitely discuss further as we get deeper into the book.

Regarding the different types of technology- this is old but in some ways I think it has just gotten worse! https://youtu.be/0gGXylVz6KI

Haha, brilliant! Thank you for sharing, Heidi. I definitely think it's gotten worse, and will likely only continue. I'm sure there are young people out there rejecting each other on Snapchat (and other apps I don't even know about yet) as we speak!