SCPL Online NonFiction Book Club discussion

Happy Saturday everyone! We had some really good thoughts addressed in the last post, so I hope to explore the phenomenon of text messaging a little further. First question: do you personally prefer calling or texting? Why? Many of the “milennials” that Ansari spoke to reported that the idea of making a phone call causes some major anxiety. What do you make of this?

Ansari says on p. 47 that the impressions we give of ourselves through our phones demonstrate that we now have “two selves”: the “real-world self” and the “phone self”. Do you agree or disagree?

Once upon a time, there was a dating “strategy” known as the 3 Day Rule, meaning a person would wait 3 days to contact the person they are interested in, to prevent seeming needy or desperate. I have to wonder if people still abide by this “rule” (if they really ever did) in a world where most people have their mobile phone with them at all times? According to Ansari’s research, similar strategies are developing, relating to the amount of time one should wait to text another person back. Have you played these kinds of games yourself? Do you think these strategies actually work? Or, like Ansari, do you think the whole thing is just silly and frustrating?

I get the idea of "two selves" but lets be honest - we have multiple selves and multiple worlds, so I am not sure the "two selves" is completely new. I do think we can be more flirty and type/text things that we wouldn't normally say in person.

I think the one "game" he was talking about to double the time it takes to respond seems ridiculous - just message the person back when you can, though I am sure, if I think back several years to when I started my last relationship, I would wait an amount of time - not set - to text back. I think the games that were played in person/by phone have just migrated to a new format. It all comes down to "we don't want to look desperate, stupid etc. "

I really think Lillian has nailed it. We all have multiple selves but yes, different forms of communication may open up different personality traits. Personally, I have no issues with the phone BUT I usually text someone first to find out if it’s a good time to call, or we set up a time for a phone call. I do think the days of just randomly calling people are kind of past. The difference between a text and a phone call is I don’t expect an immediate response from a text. If I call you, then I want to talk to you now (I generally only do this to my mother).

I can’t even imagine waiting for three days. I’d definitely assume they weren’t in to me!!! Especially in the age of “text me when you get home” I’ve frequently left someone and then continued to text for another hour afterwards. Waiting three days is crazy.

I once overheard someone excitedly telling her friend that she had been texting a guy “24/7!!!” Her friend paused and asked “…didn’t you just meet him a few days ago? That would make it ‘24/2’!”

I definitely get some anxiety when I call someone, whether at work or at home. There is something about e-mail or texting that is less vulnerable then phoning. Of course, it's also a lot easier to misconstrue what is written by text or e-mail.

I understand the theory behind waiting to respond to someone, text or phone, but it also is incredibly frustrating to not get a response. I say if you want to contact someone, contact them. If you leave like 50 messages, maybe you'll sound a little desperate but if you leave a message and wait, no harm with that.

Thanks so much for your comments ladies! I think that even before texting was a thing, it would still be pretty daunting to call up someone you're interested in. I may be dating myself here (no pun intended) but I remember paging someone for a call back (remember pagers?!) because it seemed less scary to have him call me than to just call him. Anyway, Anne you make a good point, it's SO much easier to experience a miscommunication via text!

I definitely agree, Lillian, that we do have multiple selves depending on the medium, and that perhaps text messaging allows us to open up a bit more than we would over the phone. However, I suppose the downside to that is all the "bozo" messages referenced in the book, and on http://straightwhiteboystexting.org/ (visit this link at your own risk, it's got some graphic content).

I think you're right, Heidi, mobile phones and texting have pretty much eliminated the "3 Day Rule". That's a pretty long time to remain off the grid in this day and age! I think you all have a very reasonable perspective on the "strategy" and I tend to agree. If you like someone, just message them! But in a new relationship or a casual dating scenario, there is something to be said about "playing it cool" and being careful not to come across as desperate.

I came across a funny video this morning that I will leave for your enjoyment. Something you said in your comment reminded me of this, Heidi! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Et--u...

haha yes! Knock first!