SCPL Online NonFiction Book Club discussion

Good afternoon, all!

Modern Romance begins with Ansari and Klinenburg visiting a retirement community, where residents discussed their methods of finding a “good enough” partner: usually a kind, somewhat attractive person who lived in close proximity. Today, we have so many options and so many methods of finding “the best” that many people become fixated on finding a partner who is “perfect”.

What do you think about the “paradox of choice” and its effect on our ability to commit? Are modern daters less likely to give one another an honest chance? Do you believe in the concept of a “soulmate”? How many dates do you think are enough to decide if a person is potentially right or probably wrong for you? Do you have any particular “dealbreakers”?

Ansari talks about “boring-ass dates” and how the research shows that more interesting dates lead to more romantic success (p. 145). Just for fun (and if you’re willing to share), I’d love to hear about your own best or most interesting dates! My own involves headlamps, way too many spiders, and a sprained finger...but did not lead to long-term love.

Looking forward to hearing from you!

I *really* enjoyed this chapter. This and the idea of the switch from companionate love to passionate love really explained a lot to me about modern society and its attitudes. I do think that society is fixated on finding a “perfect” partner and anyone who doesn’t achieve this somehow seems to think they have failed at the game of love. Do I believe in the concept of a “soulmate”? For some people yes. I know of a number of couples who are so incredibly compatible and in love (even after 30+ years) that yes, I think they have found their soulmate. Do I believe there’s someone out there for everyone? No, not necessarily but I do think people can drive themselves crazy trying to find the perfect mate.

I think the paradox of choice is key. People are so worried about making the wrong choice that they are paralyzed from making any choice at all. I don’t think this means you have to “settle” but I do think you need to manage your expectations of who your long term partner may be.

How many dates? It depends on the person and how forthcoming they are and how long it takes to get to know them. Some people “know” right away, some take a lot longer. I have some pretty obvious deal breakers like people who smoke or drink excessively. I also recently realized that they have to want to travel. I was very attracted to a friend of mine until he said “I have no desire to travel” and all attraction immediately went away. So that was interesting for me to know.

I think there is a such a thing as a soulmate. I also think, and I am not sure if this is in this chapter or another, that one person can't possibly be everything to another person. That is a lot to ask of one person. I once read that your partner should be your best friend, that thought never sat right with me. Yes, my partner is my best friend, but he is not my ONLY best friend, if that makes sense. How can he be my only best friend, how can he be my "everything" when he's known me a third of the time as some of my other best friends?

I remember when I met him, at a friends party (one of my other bffs) and my first initial thought was "huh." We fb messaged, and eventually bbm/text, hung out a few times with the friend that introduced us, and eventually started to hang out and then date. It was all very organic. And I think it's a good mix of the "old fashioned way" of meeting through friends, but then texting to get to know each other etc before hanging out just the two of us.

I know for a fact, that we would have never met on an online dating site, because we have very little in common when it comes to books, movies, music etc. But over the years, we've shared our likes with each other, some successfully (he now likes superhero movies) and some not (I can't watch Dexter or Breaking Bad, his fav. shows - i find them dull).

Hi ladies! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and stories. When it comes to "soulmates", I think that maybe romantic movies have given us some unrealistic expectations. I tend to agree with what you said, Heidi, that there isn't necessarily someone for everyone but some people do luck out and find the person that truly is just right for them. I also think (mostly from observing my parents who have been married for 37 years) that "true love" is less about destiny and more about real commitment and hard work.

I also like what you said about "managing your expectations". I had a friend, many moons ago, who had an actual list of what she wanted in a man--things as specific as race and height. The man she ended up marrying and having children with did not check any of the boxes on her list. I think as we grow up and have new experiences and relationships, we start to reconsider the things we really value in a partner and what's truly important.

Lillian, I completely agree with what you had to say about soulmates and best friends. I don't think it's possible (or healthy, really) for one person to be your everything. I think it's great if your partner is your best friend, but they don't need to be! And in my opinion it's important to take time for your own activities and friendships.

My story is much like yours, when it comes to meeting my husband. Friends "suggested" us on Facebook, and while we added one another and lurked each other's profiles, we didn't really get to know one another until a mutual friend had a party. He didn't have a cell phone (what 30 year old in 2012 didn't have a phone?!) so I "suggested" he get one so that we could communicate via text. So, like you, we had the interesting mix of online, text, and real life. I also feel like we have very little in common when it comes to things like music and movie choices. However, when it comes to values, ethics, politics, etc., we are on very similar pages, so it works. Also, I highly recommend you give Breaking Bad another chance :P

Just a comment about the “best friends” thing. One of my friends was going through a break up because the guy had cheated on her (and done some other nasty stuff). She needed some tough love so when she wailed “But he’s my BEST FRIEND!!!!” I kind of laid into her. I pointed out that ANYONE who you spend practically every waking minute with is destined to become your “best friend” especially when you are attracted to them. Friendship is great. Relationships that are built on friendship are usually strong but like Lillian said, your significant other shouldn’t be your ONLY friend and they definitely shouldn’t be your everything.

The truth is I was probably kind of mad at my friend because until this guy came into the picture (and he was my friend before he started dating her) she and I were really close. Thankfully, somehow, our friendship survived this jerk and his terrible treatment of her but it was rocky.

Thank you for sharing your story, Heidi! I'm glad to hear your friendship survived in the end. I too think friendship can be an important foundation for a good relationship. However, if you neglect your other relationships in favour of your romantic one, you are setting yourself up for loneliness if the romance doesn't last. I have to say though, I can definitely relate to the frustration--I too have had a few friends over the years who have "checked out" on our friendship in favour of boyfriends.