Support for Indie Authors discussion

This is the third and last installment so I am trying not to give spoilers, but to be honest, if writing a blurb isn't easy, writing one for a final book sounds so much harder. :(

This is the only thing I came up with so far (and it is not much).

During the three-month-long trip on board the Xhartan mothership, Mellie learns more about Alex's people, their lives, and their customs. She soon realizes his views of an idyllic world don't match what she sees and understands of it. Can she put her preconceptions aside long enough to try to understand them?

I know if you haven't read the books it'll be hard to help but if you have any idea(s) on how I could make this interesting, please do. I really need help. :/

Thanks!

Even though it's Part 3, I would write as if the person reading the blurb hasn't read the other parts, and doesn't even know it's a trilogy. There's always a chance someone has searched you by name and ended up at this book, or got a recommendation from a friend but hasn't kept the titles straight, etc.

I wouldn't open with duration - it may give the reader the impression it's going to be long or slow. Unless the duration is really important, I'd probably ditch it entirely, but if you keep it, consider "three-month" instead of "three-month-long."

Where is the ship headed? What comes at the end of the three months? Right now it reads as if the whole book occurs on ship, before arrival. Is that right? Or is that just how the book opens?

The phrases "what she sees and understands of it" doesn't quite click for me, and seems like a wordy way of saying "her own"?

What's at stake in this book, other than understanding each other? Or is that the main point?

Finally, returning to my first point, it might be really useful to add a separate line at the end of the blurb indicating this is the third in a trilogy. "The Legacy: Doom concludes the trilogy begun with [Book 1 title]" or "The Legacy: Doom is the third book in [name of trilogy]" just so new readers have some way to know if they're new to you, they should go find Book 1 first. (I don't know if that's considered the style, but it's something I struggle with repeatedly. I am always grateful when books in a series are clearly identified as such.)

Oh wow! Great points!
I added the three month long as an after thought. My original didn't mention that. It can go without problem.

Yes, most of the book happens on 'a' ship, except the last chapter when they finally arrive. And no, the main point is definitely not to understand each other, so it needs to change too.

You've given me a few great ideas. I can work with that.
Thank you so much!

I can't think of anything that Aaron didn't already say! :D

Aaron, I followed your ideas and came up with something a little more precise and actually more true than the first blurb. I used the end of the previous book as the starting clause. Hopefully this blurb is more compelling. Thanks again.
(I am worried that I mention their names too often but I have no idea how to avoid it.)

****
After a last minute save by his people, Alex leaves Earth with Mellie and the vampires.

On her way to a new planet, Mellie learns more about Alex's people and their strange customs. She soon realizes his views of an idyllic world don't match her own. When she finds out the curse that afflicts Alex is still stronger than ever and his people won't do anything about it, her hope all but shatters.

With everything stacking against them, can she find a way to get Alex out of Destiny's grips?

*****
I was also contemplating about changing the last sentence for one that contains all three book titles. I might have to add Mellie's name once more to make it clearer though.

Possible change for last sentence:
With the shadow of an impending doom stacked against them, can Mellie find a way to avoid their fate and get Alex out of Destiny's grips?

I think that reads a bit better in terms of plot and stakes, but I'm still confused about some things.

"After a last minute save by his people, Alex ..." - what's been saved? Alex? Earth?

The first line reads like Alex is separate from Mellie and the vampires, but the second line reads like Mellie is separate, and Alex is a vampire.

Destiny shows up at the end, but is basically unknown. Is there a way to leave the name out and discuss the issue?

Re: possible last sentence - I'm okay with "everything stacked against them" in the original, but I don't think a shadow of doom stacks. It probably looms over. Or impending doom threatens or awaits (no shadow necessary).

I had some of the same thoughts as Aaron with this second one, but it is a bit clearer and more interesting than the first one for sure. Here are my thoughts:

"After a last minute save by his people, Alex leaves Earth with Mellie and the vampires." Are the vampires his people? Are they leaving earth because they saved Mellie and Alex from something on Earth and can't stay there anymore? Most importantly, last minute save from what? Even a brief description would be nice...

"On her way to a new planet, Mellie learns more about Alex's people and their strange customs. She soon realizes his views of an idyllic world don't match her own. When she finds out the curse that afflicts Alex is still stronger than ever and his people won't do anything about it, her hope all but shatters."

So Alex is cursed? Does he know he's still cursed or does he think his people saved him? Is that why their views don't match up? What was she hoping for? etc. The whole mention of the curse really made this version of the blurb much more interesting to me, but as someone who hasn't read the other books I have no idea what's going on and you might be able to draw me in - and then make me go back to book 1 - with a good explanation here! (ok, actually, I hate vampires, but hypothetically speaking, if I didn't hate vampires so much... there's a potential to hook me - or other readers who don't mind them so much! :)...)

"With everything stacking against them, can she find a way to get Alex out of Destiny's grips?"

Who is Destiny? Or are we talking about the "his fate" kind of destiny?

So yeah, I think this second blurb would probably be perfect for someone who has just finished the previous book and just wants to move on, but for someone who hasn't read any of the previous books I think adding in a bit more description of what that curse is would definitely help garner interest.

Hope my random thoughts help...

Thank you both.

Yes, any thoughts help. Now, I'm facing a dilemma though. In a group on Facebook, I was told my blurb was too long and they suggested this:

Mellie thought she was heading to an idyllic world but the reality turns out to be very different. Not only is Alex's curse stronger than ever, his own people won't help him. So now it's down to Mellie to fight Destiny on her own.

Normally, I like short blurb but I think this doesn't say enough. So let's see if I try to implement your ideas instead:


(view spoiler)[

Alex has been saved by his people as he was trying to prevent a catastrophic earthquake in California by absorbing the energy, which of course was too much for him. His people (aliens not vampires) arrived in time to heal the fault line and thus saving his life.

Alex knows he is cursed and has accepted his fate and it's something Mellie can't understand. 25000 years ago, his people made a huge mistake. While trying to remove her lust for killing, they accidently made Destiny a vampire. They exiled her to Earth thinking it was uninhabited. Since then, the first male child of every descendant of Alex's family has been sent to Earth to be the toy of the woman who has been wronged.

When they left Earth, Mellie thought Destiny had been left behind…but she wasn't…thus the curse continues.

(hide spoiler)]

I made a few changes. Is it going the right direction?

Blurb:

Rescued by his people, Alex leaves Earth bringing Mellie and her vampire kin with him.

On their way to a new planet and their new life, Mellie soon realizes Alex's views of an idyllic world don't match her own. Their strange customs mixed with deceit baffle her and when she finds out the curse that puts Alex in the hands of a despot will not be rescinded, her hope all but shatters.

With the new threat of an impending doom looming over them, can Mellie find a way to avoid their fate and pull Alex out of Destiny's grips?


Thanks in advance! :)

Let's see. I'm thinking of the point of view.... It sounds like it takes place on a space ship, or at least part of it, so for starters maybe:

Traveling through deep space is not the best time to realize you've made a mistake. But that is what happens when Mellie and her vampire kin leave earth for what she thought was an idyllic existence.

M.L. Roberts wrote: "Let's see. I'm thinking of the point of view.... It sounds like it takes place on a space ship, or at least part of it, so for starters maybe:

Traveling through deep space is not the best time to ..."

I like that start, M.L.!

G.G., now I have a much better idea of what's going on and I like parts of the old and new one so I'm going to attempt to put them together with M.L.'s idea just to see what will come out of it...

Traveling through deep space is not the best time to realize you've made a mistake. But that is what happens when Mellie and her vampire kin leave earth for what she thought was an idyllic existence.

After putting his life at risk trying to prevent a catastrophic earthquake, only to be saved by his people at the last minute, Alex seems to accept that the ancient curse he has inherited will not be lifted.

Baffled by his people's strange ways, shocked by his acceptance of being under the mercy of the vampire despot Destiny, can Mellie find a way to avoid their fate and pull Alex out of Destiny's grips?


...

Although I guess that might be a bit long...

Just thought I'd try. It sounds interesting for sure, especially with that info I read in the spoiler! Good luck with it whichever blurb you end up going with. :)

Thanks everyone for your input!

I also liked the idea of adding doom to the story by pointing out that it's a bit late to change her mind (although she would never do that).

I'll see what I can come up with. I still have time since the book is being edited so nowhere near publishing yet (I'll format everything once corrections are done).

There really should be a program that creates a blurb according to the story. I think the one who would write such a thing would soon become a millionaire :P

I don't agree with your facebook suggestion for a shorter version. Here is my thought. It's your third book and if your a fan of the first two then there is nothing really to say in order to attract one of your readers to acquire the third. However, since this is the final installment I believe you want a nice blurb that would suggest to a new reader that they are missing out and need to find the first two books and a quiet corner asap.


Here's a different perspective,

When Alex uses his alien power to save his people during a large earthquake, his body becomes cursed from the over absorption of energy. In order to save him Mellie, a vampire, has joined Alex on a spaceship back to his home world, but things begin to unravel in undesired ways. While traveling through space, Mellie discovers that Alex’s people share an idyllic belief and will not help remove his curse. Can Mellie convince her vampire race to help her save Alex in time or will they land and lose Alex forever?

I hope this helps!