Support for Indie Authors discussion

Hi. I'm hoping for criticism and advice. Writing the book seems easier than describing it in a couple of paragraphs, and any help you can offer is greatly appreciated.

When she is sixteen, Charlotte falls instantly in love with a man in a photo, certain he is the man of her dreams. Alexander is the one she knows she wants to marry. She is oblivious to the fact that another is falling in love with her even as she plans her happily ever after.

It takes twelve years for Charlotte to meet the man of her dreams, and twelve years for the man who loves her to realize he is in for the fight of his life.

The sentence "Alexander...marry" is not necessary as "man of her dreams" tells us what we need to know.

'Oblivious of', rather than 'oblivious to'.

I think the last sentence could be tweaked - but I can't think how. As you say, packing a story into a short blurb is difficult and I usually have to leave mine to marinate for several weeks, so I'm sorry not to be much help.

It is a short blurb and that's good. It also tells readers what they need to know. It sounds like a worthwhile read.

Suggestion to tighten up the teaser. You do repeat the same thing.
A teaser is short and doesn't need adverbs or adjectives. For a description of content for online selling, and for the back blurb of the book, you would need a few more details. I have presumed that she saw a man in her dreams, then saw a photo of a man that is like the one she is dreaming about.

- At sixteen Charlotte falls in love with Alexander, a man in a photo. He is the man in her dreams.

Twelve years later Charlotte meets Alexander. "Insert his name" who loves her is in for the fight of his life. -

"_______ of my dreams" is a fairly common phrase, meaning "ideal mate". I believe that is the context Diane is intending.

Personally, I think the blurb is a wee bit short.

"When she is sixteen, Charlotte falls instantly in love with a man in a photo, certain he is the man of her dreams." Maybe a short explanation as to why a photo would make Charlotte believe this.

"Alexander is the one she knows she wants to marry." Kinda repeats what we learned in the first sentence. Not necessary.

"She is oblivious to the fact that another is falling in love with her even as she plans her happily ever after." So, this is a complete stranger? Sounds stalkerish and creepy. If this is someone she knows, give us a hint as to who it is.

"It takes twelve years for Charlotte to meet the man of her dreams, and twelve years for the man who loves her to realize he is in for the fight of his life." In this twelve years, she remained oblivious to the stalker / other guy? He made no attempt to woo her all this time? The love must not be that strong.

I know blurbs are often written in present tense, but it's a little jarring to think Charlotte is sixteen today, then to find out the real story takes place twelve years later. Or twelve years in the future.

“ Writing the book seems easier than describing it in a couple of paragraphs,”

That’s because the blurb doesn’t describe the book, it serves one job and one job alone: to make the reader want to turn to page one. And if the writing has done its job they won’t be able to put it down. Forget story. That can only be appreciated in retrospect. It’s the page-by-page entertainment you give the reader that keeps them with you.
- - - -
When she is sixteen, Charlotte falls instantly in love with a man in a photo, certain he is the man of her dreams.
- - - - -
You need to squeeze here, and in the novel, wherever possible. Is there really a difference between falling in love and falling in love, instantly? Does it matter enough to mention it here? Does a reader care if she had to look at the picture more than once to do so?

And if she has fallen in love via that photo, isn’t it inherent, in that act, that she sees him as “the man of her dreams?” Doesn’t that automatically mean she wants to spend her life with him? Why spell out the obvious?

In general, though, her developing a teenage crush via a picture, and someone doing the same to her—but not acting on it for twelve years—seems irrelevant to the real story, which happens twelve years later, based on her reality in the moment she calls now, not teen-fantasy.

Anna Faversham wrote: "The sentence "Alexander...marry" is not necessary as "man of her dreams" tells us what we need to know.

'Oblivious of', rather than 'oblivious to'.

I think the last sentence could be tweaked - b..."

Anna, thank you for your helpful advice. It is much appreciated!

Genevieve wrote: "Suggestion to tighten up the teaser. You do repeat the same thing.
A teaser is short and doesn't need adverbs or adjectives. For a description of content for online selling, and for the back blurb ..."

Genevieve, thank you so much for your helpful comments!

Diane

Jay wrote: "“ Writing the book seems easier than describing it in a couple of paragraphs,”

That’s because the blurb doesn’t describe the book, it serves one job and one job alone: to make the reader want to t..."

Jay, you've given me much to consider. Thank you for pointing out so much that hadn't occurred to me. Back to the laptop to pick my brain some more. I really appreciate your help.

Diane

Dwayne wrote: ""_______ of my dreams" is a fairly common phrase, meaning "ideal mate". I believe that is the context Diane is intending.

Personally, I think the blurb is a wee bit short.

"When she is sixteen, C..."

Dwayne, excellent comments and suggestions!

I have a prologue that describes Charlotte seeing the photo in a shop window, taking a photo of the photo, yada yada, and a brief description of the sixteen year old boy who falls in love with her when he sees her through the window. I guess it suspends belief to think he would wait twelve years to find the courage to speak to her. But I'm going for it, ridiculous or not.

Thanks!

Diane

Everyone seems to be handling this well. The only thing I wanted to add is, why do I CARE about them? Make me want to know more - the photo could be your hook if you play it right, I think.
And you're right - blurbs are stinking hard!

Diane, a teaser is to announce the book, promotion, etc., and is short, just a couple of sentences. The back blurb is at least two paragraphs of half a dozen sentences each.

Fine with the prologue, but why twelve years? Why not ten? or eight? Are you separating the protagonists so they cannot possibly meet or is it only a question of getting the courage to speak? (that sounds lame in this 21st century). What happens to them during that time?

Readers suspend disbelief only so far. Unless there is an enormous obstacle between them, readers/reviewers will drop the book.

Genevieve wrote: "Diane, a teaser is to announce the book, promotion, etc., and is short, just a couple of sentences. The back blurb is at least two paragraphs of half a dozen sentences each."

Blurbs can be as long or short as needed, there is no set limit. Shorter is often times better. What Diane is presenting is a blurb, not a teaser.

Diane wrote: "I have a prologue that describes Charlotte seeing the photo in a shop window, taking a photo of the photo, yada yada, and a brief description of the sixteen year old boy who falls in love with her when he sees her through the window. I guess it suspends belief to think he would wait twelve years to find the courage to speak to her. But I'm going for it, ridiculous or not. "

Okay, if that's all in the prologue, I would leave it out of the blurb. Focus on the central plot and theme.

Dwayne, I only explained the difference between teaser and blurb. What Diane first wrote was too short for a blurb. I did say "at least two paragraphs of half a dozen sentences each."

Jenna wrote: "Everyone seems to be handling this well. The only thing I wanted to add is, why do I CARE about them? Make me want to know more - the photo could be your hook if you play it right, I think.
And you..."

Thank you, Jenna! I will work on that.

Dwayne wrote: "Diane wrote: "I have a prologue that describes Charlotte seeing the photo in a shop window, taking a photo of the photo, yada yada, and a brief description of the sixteen year old boy who falls in ..."

"Focus on the central plot and theme."

Dwayne, I think you've made an excellent point, and that would eliminate confusion. Thank you!

Most sources clock blurbs at about one hundred to one hundred fifty words and do not give specifics about how many paragraphs or sentences. Diane's is about ninety words, so it comes close to the average. The function of the blurb is far more important than the structure.

Genevieve wrote: "Diane, a teaser is to announce the book, promotion, etc., and is short, just a couple of sentences. The back blurb is at least two paragraphs of half a dozen sentences each.

Fine with the prologue..."

Genevieve, thank you for your help. In case your questions weren't rhetorical (;-)), Charlotte walks by the shop window where the photo is displayed maybe two dozen times in the twelve years; each time Ford is inside watching her but she never sees him. Each time he tells himself the next time she comes by he will go talk to her.

Thanks for the clarification, Diane.

Dwayne, the structure of the blurb is important. Diane is writing a romance, the blurb needs to show her side and his side, hence two paragraphs. Sentences should be kept moderately short as each one reflects one important aspect of the novel. Exception: no mention of the ending.

Okay, I'll hang back my editor's hat on the rack. I have to prepare hand-outs for a series of writing workshops I'm teaching next week.

One more try at the blurb ~

Charlotte is twenty-eight when she meets the man whose photo she fell in love with twelve years before but had given up hope of ever meeting. She isn’t going to miss her chance to have the happy-ever-after she has wanted for so long.

When Ford meets Charlotte, the woman he has loved from afar for so long, he knows she is the one for him. He quickly realizes his cousin, Harry, is the one Charlotte wants. Harry, who always gets the girl. Ford has waited too long to just step aside and let Harry have her, and he readies himself for the fight of his life.

Better! Just doing a routine mod peek at the moment. I'll come back later and give a fuller impression, but this does feel closer to getting to the meat of the story.

Dwayne wrote: "Better! Just doing a routine mod peek at the moment. I'll come back later and give a fuller impression, but this does feel closer to getting to the meat of the story."

Thank you, Dwayne!

"Charlotte is twenty-eight when she meets the man whose photo she fell in love with twelve years before but had given up hope of ever meeting." A bit clumsy. Maybe start it with "Twenty-eight year old Charlotte meets..." Not sure if we need to know she'd given up hope on meeting him. Knocking that off makes the sentence flow a little easier, too.

"She isn’t going to miss her chance to have the happy-ever-after she has wanted for so long." Good, but could be a little tighter.

"When Ford meets Charlotte, the woman he has loved from afar for so long, he knows she is the one for him." Redundant. When someone believes they are in love, they generally also believe the object of their affection is the one for them. Strike the bit between the commas and it reads much better.

"He quickly realizes his cousin, Harry, is the one Charlotte wants." I hate when that happens.

"Harry, who always gets the girl." Stupid, stupid Harry. Is there a way you could expand this a little? It's fragmented and feels like something is missing.

"Ford has waited too long to just step aside and let Harry have her, and he readies himself for the fight of his life." I'd drop the words "just" and "he". Otherwise, great.

Dwayne wrote: ""Charlotte is twenty-eight when she meets the man whose photo she fell in love with twelve years before but had given up hope of ever meeting." A bit clumsy. Maybe start it with "Twenty-eight year ..."

Dwayne, you rock. Thanks so much for your help!