SCPL Online NonFiction Book Club discussion

Roxane Gay says on page 14 that her life is “split in two”. There is the before she gained weight and after she gained weight, and alongside that, the before she was raped and after she was raped. In Chapter 11, she tells the horrifying story of the day she was gang-raped at the tender age of 12, by a boy she cared about and his friends.

After this terrible and traumatic event, Gay turned to food--both as a source of comfort and as a means of protection. She believed that if she continued to gain weight, she would become undesirable and thus, be safe. And yet, she struggles with this responsibility. She says, on page 16, “I did this to myself. This is my fault and my responsibility”. She questions on page 20: “Is my body a crime scene when I already know I am the perpetrator? Or should I see myself as a victim of the crime that took place in my body?” What do you think?

Gay also struggles with wanting to accept her body, while at the same time longing to change it. What do you make of that paradox? Can such anxiety ever be resolved—not only for folks who are overweight but really, for anyone who doesn’t fit society’s beauty ideals?

Finally, I want to address the fact that, following her rape, Gay kept silent for more than 25 years. She says on page 45: “He said/she said is why so many victims don’t come forward”. She goes on to say that victims swallow the truth, until it “becomes depression or addiction or obsession or some other physical manifestation of the silence”. What are your thoughts about this, particularly in light of the recent #MeToo movement?

I found Gay to be a lot more self-aware about her weight than I have ever been. I definitely relate to “self-medicating” with food but not to the extent she did. I absolutely acknowledge that I have an unhealthy relationship with food and someday I hope to be brave enough to face it. I have not experienced the trauma that Gay did though so I’m not comfortable really commenting on her idea of victim/perpetrator. I definitely can see why she would feel caught that way though. The idea of body positivity is one that I struggle with. On one hand I think it’s great. It seems like obesity is the one area where it is still kind of okay to judge people because there’s a perceived sense of control over ones body in ways that you can’t control your skin colour for example. But as Gay demonstrates, it’s not nearly as cut and dry as people like to pretend so the trend towards accepting people as they are and supporting their struggle is good. But then you have the flip side of, is pressuring people to conform to a “healthy” body ideal actually bad? Isn’t it better for them in the long run? I know personally I can see a lot of benefits from that but the problem is that so much “help” is misplaced. Gay addressed that too. People trying to “help” by making inane recommendations. Even her family (which I believe is addressed in the next section) so maybe instead of trying to “fix” people when we don’t even know their problems, it would be better to just accept them and support them without judement.

There. How’s that for an inconclusive answer LOL

Regarding your last section, I think this is way more prevalent than we’ll ever really know. #MeToo has allowed a lot of people to finally come forward but there are still many out there who are maintaining their silence for whatever reason. I definitely understand why Gay kept her experience secret and how it affected her like it did. That is an incredibly difficult situation to deal with, especially at a fairly young age.

Thank you for your comments, Heidi. You put something into words that I had been thinking but couldn't quite articulate: "It seems like obesity is the one area where it is still kind of okay to judge people because there’s a perceived sense of control over ones body in ways that you can’t control your skin colour for example". I think you hit the nail on the head. I think that folks who judge others' weight think, "oh if they just ate better/worked out more/cared more" or whatever, but that just isn't always how it works. We definitely don't have as much control over our bodies as we (or others) may think we do. Medical issues, genetics, mental health...there are so many things at play. And although our cultural beauty standard is "thin", what about people who are considered overweight but are truly healthy and happy in the skin they are in??

You mention the flip side, which is that "we" as a society try to "help" because we want people to be "healthy". But like you (and Gay) said, SO much of this help is very misplaced. One thing I love seeing in the media these days is different body types - recent magazine covers with models like Ashley Graham and Tess Holliday, for example. Now, I have the body of a 12 year old boy, so I am very envious of Graham's curves but others cry out about the "unhealthy" message it sends. I'm sorry, but how do we know that a person is unhealthy just because their BMI is considered overweight?

I will be honest - I cannot speak to weight struggles personally. However, even though I "look" healthy because I am thin...I barely ever work out. Although I try to eat healthy food, sometimes I don't. I would imagine there are plenty of "overweight" people out there who are actually a lot more healthy than I am So, I think that while we care for others and want them to be healthy, we should not make assumptions about their health when we don't know their story or their medical history.

To finish off, I too think there are probably millions of women out there who haven't yet spoken out about their abuse. That being said, reading Roxane's story firsthand was just so heartbreaking to me. I guess it's that "what if". While I can understand why she did not speak up, I can't help but think how her life may have been different had she told an adult and been able to get help.

Again, thank you so much for your comments!

"I think that while we care for others and want them to be healthy, we should not make assumptions about their health when we don't know their story or their medical history." That's exactly it and I guess that's where body positivity comes in. We don't know people's stories and frankly it's none of our business so we need to just accept them as they are.

I'm encouraged by seeing different body types as models as well. The world is made up of all kinds of people and it's important that the media reflects that.

Amen, Heidi! It's also nice seeing more diversity of other types (ie. people of colour, folks with disabilities) now reflected more often in the media. We still have a very long way to go, but I do feel that we are becoming more open and accepting when it comes to representing the wide variety of people who make up our world!

I don't have much else to add, and a the risk of getting even more political. The thing that struck me is that Gay said she didn't have the words to discuss what had happened to her. She didn't know what to say, or how to say it until she was older. I think it is important that we give kids the words and tools to say what happened to them. That we talk about consent from an early age, that we give body parts appropriate terms. And that discussing sex and anything around it becomes less of a taboo so that if (when) this happen, victims/survivors have the words they need to tell their stories at the time and to know they are not alone.

What an EXCELLENT point you make, Lillian! Thank you so much for your comment. Regardless of what happens with the hot-button Ontario "sex-ed" curriculum, I truly hope that the sections dealing with consent and language remain, for this very reason. The fact that Roxane was 12 and did not have the words makes me think about how confusing this would be for an even younger child. I hate to even think about that, but unfortunately, there are a lot of sick people in this world. I also recall, from my own school days, a lot of misinformation and myths regarding sexual activity and sexual assault, so I really do think having a focus on consent is invaluable to kids of all ages.