Support for Indie Authors discussion

Some of you may remember when I asked for your help on Land of Burning Roses and its blurb, and while I still very much appreciate your help, the story has changed and, consequently, so has the title.
With the change in direction I want my story to go, I feel like a new blurb may also be in order.
The one I put together is experimental, but I'd like to see what you think. I won't say anything else about it; I'll just let you read it yourself.


{edited since comment 14}

It splits families. It shatters kingdoms. It's the reason a valley is watered by the tears of its victims.
Nisime is a wall that separates the east and west sides of the world with only one way through - a set of Gates that has a mind of its own and only opens and closes when it desires.
In Valeon, on the west side of Nisime, celebration reigns when visitation is traded between either side of the Wall. But for Senator Brook, it means her steady life of politics is interrupted with a visit from her adopted sister and the introduction of her 5-year-old niece, Aoifen.

Near Valeon's southern borders, an unsolved conflict threatens to return as the enemy seeks to expand an empire to take hold of Nisime and finally gain access to the east side of the world, where their empire will reign supreme over helplessly defenseless civilizations.
But Brook is forced to ignore such events to take care of Aoifen after her sister's mysterious disappearance and the child's sudden unwanted attention by Valeon's worst enemies. Heavy prices are put on her head for her capture, alerting the world's roughest bounty hunters, and despite the language barrier between the pair, Brook is flung on an emotional journey to keep Aoifen out of the enemy's hand while the world of safety steadily shrinks around her.

First paragraph - Gates is plural, but the rest of the sentence reads as if there is only one gate.

Otherwise I get a strong background to a story and, while interesting, I'm looking for a character to connect to.

Dwayne, but is the object “set” or “gates”? I wonder if “a set of gates” changes it to singular. This has always confused me. I guess it sounds more correct to say "the set of gates are...." not "the set of gates is...." but 'set' alone is usually singular, so this one always gets me.

Leah wrote: "Dwayne, but is the object “set” or “gates”? I wonder if “a set of gates” changes it to singular. This has always confused me. I guess it sounds more correct to say "the set of gates are...." not "t..."

You are right if it is a set of gates or even a pair of gates it’s singular.

I might say a gateway that only etc

I’d chop it back. Maybe this...

Nisime. The wall that separates east and west. The wall with only one gateway, a gateway that opens and closes only at its own whim.

When the gateway is open there can be trade and commerce and joyous visitation between families. But nobody knows for how long it will remain that way.

And when the gate of Nisime closes there is only danger as the enemies close in

Good point, Leah.

I'd change the first (the 'gotcha') line to "It splits families, takes lives, tests the people around it." Basically getting rid of two 'its'

Its very interesting, an ancient gate opening and closing on its own will. I like how when it does open people celebrate, trade, visit etc. It sounds cool.

What I don't like is the last line.
When the gate is open are their armies stronger? Do their enemies disappear and come back new? They know how to be cautious but what does this mean? If they were worried about enemies wouldn't they all just stay on the same side of the gate?

When I read the blurb I think of a really cool adventure about to unfold but then I hit the last line and I think of The Purge or something silly like that.

Thanks, guys.
I've made some changes to the blurb; what do you think?
A. J.

Some more interesting bullets have been added for sure.

Andres wrote: "Some more interesting bullets have been added for sure."

Thanks. But, what, specifically, do you like about it.
A.J.

{Edited}

It's beginning to sound like two separate books. Maybe we can comb out a few tangles together.

It splits families. It shatters kingdoms. It's the reason a valley is watered by the tears of its victims. (I'm not sure what you are talking about here, but it sounds like a demon.)

Nisime is a wall that separates the east and west sides of Known World with only one way through - a set of Gates that has a mind of its own and only opens and closes when it desires.
(Known World, im guessing, is the name for your planet? Nisime is what they, in known world, call the wall. This paragraph is okay.)

Some see it as a cause for celebration when the Gates part and allow for trade and commerce between countries and the visitation of distant relatives. But peace and prosperity in Valeon never lasts. (What is Valeon? A town in Known world? Is it the east town or west town? I was unaware that there was peace and prosperity, so knowing that it never lasts is kind of confusing.)


Senator Brook Mae'Satine's steady life of politics is interrupted with the introduction to her 5-year-old niece, Aoifen. Following the disappearance of the child's mother, Brook is tasked with the responsibility of raising Aoifen while searching for her missing relative.(This sounds like a complete different story. Maybe find a way to tie it in a little better?)

After an unusual war breaks out, Aoifen gains unwanted attention by Valeon's worst enemies, and heavy prices are promised for her capture, alerting the world's roughest bounty hunters. Despite the language barrier between the unlikely pair, Brook is flung on an emotional journey to bring Aoifen through Nisime to safety before the Gates close for what may be over a decade.(We have Valeon's worst enemies and we have the World's roughest bounty hunters. Again, is Valeon a city? A west city, and east city? Geography here is blurry, it is not helping me to understand the intensity of the situation. Now we have a time associated at the end of the paragraph with a gate that opens at its own will. Is it time oriented or is it simply opened when it wants to? This is kind of contradictory.)

Andres wrote: "It's beginning to sound like two separate books. Maybe we can comb out a few tangles together.

It splits families. It shatters kingdoms. It's the reason a valley is watered by the tears of its vi..."

Okay, I've changed a lot of stuff I didn't know need change (thank you:D), so what do you think of it now?

Sounds a lot better. I think your almost there. Sorry I haven't not checked the site in a few days. How does this sound?


Nisime, an ancient wall separating the east from the west side of the world. There is but one way through - a set of Gates with a mind of its own. Only opening and closing when it desires.
Valeon, a city on the west side of Nisime, celebrates the opening of Nisime. Trade begins between both sides of the Wall. Families reunite and the world becomes peaceful. But, for Senator Brook, it means her steady life is interrupted as her sister introduces her 5-year-old niece, Aoifen, into her life.

Aoifen's, mother mysteriously vanishes and a bounty appears for her head. Brook is flung on an emotional journey protecting Aoifen while XXXX a southern empire, seeks to destroy Valeon and control the gates of Nisime.