Goodreads Authors/Readers discussion

Some of you may remember when I asked for your help on Land of Burning Roses and its blurb, and while I still very much appreciate your help, the story has changed and, consequently, so has the title.
With the change in direction I want my story to go, I feel like a new blurb may also be in order.
The one I put together is experimental, but I'd like to see what you think. I won't say anything else about it; I'll just let you read it yourself.


{edited since comment 8}

It splits families. It shatters kingdoms. It's the reason a valley is watered by the tears of its victims.
Nisime is a wall that separates the east and west sides of the world with only one way through - a set of Gates that has a mind of its own and only opens and closes when it desires.
In Valeon, on the west side of Nisime, celebration reigns when visitation is traded between either side of the Wall. But for Senator Brook, it means her steady life of politics is interrupted with a visit from her adopted sister and the introduction of her 5-year-old niece, Aoifen.

Near Valeon's southern borders, an unsolved conflict threatens to return as the enemy seeks to expand an empire to take hold of Nisime and finally gain access to the east side of the world, where their empire will reign supreme over helplessly defenseless civilizations.
But Brook is forced to ignore such events to take care of Aoifen after her sister's mysterious disappearance and the child's sudden unwanted attention by Valeon's worst enemies. Heavy prices are put on her head for her capture, alerting the world's roughest bounty hunters, and despite the language barrier between the pair, Brook is flung on an emotional journey to keep Aoifen out of the enemy's hand while the world of safety steadily shrinks around her.

I would like to see a better transition into the third paragraph. As it is, it doesn't tie in with the first two paragraphs.

Thanks, Lenita. I'll see what I can do.
A. J.

{Edited}

I think the last line in paragraph 2 might need a little work as well... I don't understand what the Gates opening (or not) has to do with peace in Valeron. Or why a 5 year old attracts such attention...is she gifted or something?

Good luck and don't lose hope. Blurb writing is extraordinarily difficult and often takes many drafts. (I've been known to do 4 - 10 tries at least.)

Theresa wrote: "I think the last line in paragraph 2 might need a little work as well... I don't understand what the Gates opening (or not) has to do with peace in Valeron. Or why a 5 year old attracts such attent..."

Then you're lucky! I've lost count, but I think I may be around draft #20. Anyway, thanks for your help! On another group, I've made a lot of revisions to the blurb that I'll post here. Let me know if the problems are solved or not. And thanks again!
A. J.

A. J. Deschene wrote: "Theresa wrote: "I think the last line in paragraph 2 might need a little work as well... I don't understand what the Gates opening (or not) has to do with peace in Valeron. Or why a 5 year old attr..."

You are very welcome. And I understand that try # 20 as well... I redid my first book's blurb completely this year after 12 tries with the original. (That was another multiple tries...honestly I lose track sometimes, lol.) Looking forward to reading the revised one. :)

{Edited}