Blazing Readers & Wordy Writers discussion

Some of you may remember when I asked for your help on Land of Burning Roses and its blurb, and while I still very much appreciate your help, the story has changed and, consequently, so has the title.
With the change in direction I want my story to go, I feel like a new blurb may also be in order.
The one I put together is experimental, but I'd like to see what you think. I won't say anything else about it; I'll just let you read it yourself.



{Edited}


It splits families. It shatters kingdoms. It's the reason a valley is watered by the tears of its victims.
Nisime is a wall that separates the east and west sides of Known World with only one way through - a set of Gates that has a mind of its own and only opens and closes when it desires.

Some see it as a cause for celebration when the Gates part and allow for trade and commerce between countries and the visitation of distant relatives. But peace and prosperity in Valeon never lasts.


Senator Brook Mae'Satine's steady life of politics is interrupted with the introduction to her 5-year-old niece, Aoifen. Following the disappearance of the child's mother, Brook is tasked with the responsibility of raising Aoifen while searching for her missing relative.

After an unusual war breaks out, Aoifen gains unwanted attention by Valeon's worst enemies, and heavy prices are promised for her capture, alerting the world's roughest bounty hunters. Despite the language barrier between the unlikely pair, Brook is flung on an emotional journey to bring Aoifen through Nisime to safety before the Gates close for what may be over a decade.

I like this! It sounds ominous and intriguing.

I have two grammar/wording things and two plot-ish things.

First, I would change "the missing relative" to "her missing relative". It makes it seem more personal to the character and therefore makes the reader care about finding Aoifen's mother (and Brook's sister).

Second, I would reword the last few words. "goodness knows how long" throws off the ominous and mysterious tone. It just kind of throws the reader off and feels like it's unnecessary. Maybe change it to "for what could be hundreds or thousands of years" or something like that.

Now, for plot-ish stuff.

"Nisime parts and allows trade..." What does this mean, exactly? From reading your previous blurbs I think I know what you're referring to, but to first-time readers, this doesn't make much sense. Do you mean the Gates open? And now that they're open bounty hunters can get to Aoifen and trying to keep her safe before the Gates close is the suspense of the novel? If so, you might want to say "the Gates of Nisime part and allow trade..." just to clarify. (And a quick grammar thing) You could also split this paragraph into two sentences by deleting the "While" in the beginning, adding a period after "distant relatives", and "However," before "peace and prosperity". It might make the wording of the paragraph flow better.

My second thing is with the first three bolded sentences. I don't have a problem with them existing. In fact, I like them and how they set the tone. But the third one is a little confusing. Are it's victims the split families? Was there a war and Nisime somehow played a part? It's mysterious and suspenseful, but it's also difficult to remember that Nisime is really just a wall. And although it plays an important role, it's hard to imagine a wall having such an impact on this world, especially after only a few paragraphs summary of the plot.

Great job! I really like this blurb!

B00kw0rm0131 wrote: "I like this! It sounds ominous and intriguing.

I have two grammar/wording things and two plot-ish things.

First, I would change "the missing relative" to "her missing relative". It makes it seem ..."

Thanks so much for your help! I love it when people actually take the time to write out detailed exclamations of how they felt about the blurb.

I made the changes you suggested, although I feel like I should explain a few things to you, just because you took the time to help me out; I owe it to you.
You were not wrong about the 'the to her' change making it more personal and seeming more like Aoifen's mother and Brook are sisters. Well . . . yah, but there's a lot of family stuff that's explained in the book that, in short, shows that Brook doesn't consider Prara (Aoifen's mother) to be her sister at all. It wouldn't be personal for her, but I changed it anyway because, like you said, it makes it easier to read. And understand. At one point, (you may already know this) I was going to have the blurb written in first-person because it's more personal and the book is written that way. But it was too wordy, and I like this version more.

Then, on the thing about Nisime: I'm glad you have so many questions; that's what blurbs are for. But yes, the victims are the split families. And Nisime does have an annoying amount of power that has caused war and created problems in the surrounding lands. I'm still in the stages of writing (I haven't started the editing phase yet) but I'm hoping to have a prologue 'concerning Nisime', kinda like LotR's "Concerning Hobbits" and "Concerning Pipeweed". Although, that doesn't mean I'm trying to copy Tolkien.

Anyway, thanks for your help!
A. J.

Wow, this sounds great! Thanks for answering my questions. This blurb is really good and I can't wait to find out more!

Awesome! I sent you a friend request so you'll know when I release it. It might be several months to a year before I can, but it will happen eventually. Hopefully next summer; we'll see.